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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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hello, my girlfriend and i recently broke up, she broke up

Customer Question

my girlfriend and i recently broke up, she broke up with me about 2 months ago. we have no spoken once since. she is now dating her best guy friend of yrs who is opposite of me and has been beggging her forever to be with him as he is in love with her. he seems to be her puppy dog doing whatever she says now.
the history is that i really treated her poorly over 2 yrs. i was not ready for a relationship, i travelled all of the time, didn't invite her to anything in my life and had serious committment issues. i started to slow down and we faught a bit in the end due to a well needed break to clear our heads. i went back to her 2 weeks after she broke up, and begged her like a fool to be with her in a very needy way. she told me to go home and i did.
i have spend the last two months in sorrow, and really realized how i treated her, along with working on myself. I really do want a long term relationship with this person and am in love with her. i was not ready to be in a relationship and over the past 6 months have been more ready, but had trouble dealing with the emotion. i have worked with relationship coaches solo to be a better person and be able to actually show her i love her, and actually be able to be a boyfriend or more.
i am stuck now to what my approach is with her, i have been told to leave her be and let her make contact first, but i think she is stubborn and beleives i will never change, so she will not make contact.
i know for a fact that she was in love with me for 3 years, and she begged me to the bitter end to just show her i love her. she walked away for her own good, and i think it was the best thing for both of us to clear our head. but i know i want her, and i know how strong our connection is together. i am ready for her, but how to i get her back, and how is this best guy friend a hurdle?
thanks kindly
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

What are your ages?

You say you haven't spoken to her in 2 months, how do you know she's dating this guy?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I am 31 she is 25 now.
I found out she is seeing this guy through a random new friend who told me that they are forsure seeing eachother, and he is doing whatever she askes everyday, everything her ex(me) didn't do that she wanted!

He is also known as everyones ittle brother, she also took him to a work party my friend was at and the guy didn't talk to anyone and just sat there. I am a very outgoing social person. My friend said she looked not proud of him at all.
Which she 150% was of me. I just pushed her away in a big way and waa afraid I was going to settle down. Her and I got along perfect when talking, always laughing and in sync.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Johny

I want to ask if you got along perfectly, then why did you treat her so poorly....but you said were afraid of your emotions, and how you felt. The bad news is that sometimes when a person is treated poorly over a period of time, they take it and take it until the love is gone and they can't take it anymore, and they are just finished. So many times people realize how they truly feel when it's too late, and it winds up being something that we have to live with forever.

Hopefully, if you really care about her, and she really cares about you, then the love can be rekindled, but there's no promise of that. One of the most important things to remember is that you didn't get into this situation overnight, so it's not going to be possible to get past it overnight. It's going to take time, it may take as much time as it took you to get to this point, so you have to ask yourself if you're prepared to be in for the long haul?

The fact of the matter is you're going to have to show her you've changed, and it's not going to be easy since she's involved herself with this other guy. I would say start out slow. Let yourself know that for the next 1-3 months all you are going to do is be her friend. You're not going to mention one single word about getting back together, how you feel or anything like that unless she brings it up first and even then the only thing you want to say is that you know you screwed up, and you want her to give you another chance, but you also know you don't deserve other words, extremely humble. You should call her, text her or email her, whichever way is good for you, but not every days and not all at once. Start out by a call just saying hi, and you want to see how she's doing, and then get off the phone (even if she seems to want to stay on, be the first to get off the phone). Send her an email and mention something that happened when the two of you first got together (for example, say that you drove by the place you met, or you had some desert the two of you had together or whatever, anything to bring back a good memory, but don't build it up too much, just mention it).

You should drop her a call, text or email no more than twice a week, she may not want to talk to you but just approach it on a friendship level, ask how she is, her family and friends, work, thats it, keep it on a friendship level. If you can make her see you as a friend again, as a person that she once knew and loved and may still love, then there's a chance that you might be able to get her back. You have to truly want to be with her and follow your heart, anything she says, anything she does will be to hurt you for the times you hurt her, and you may have to overlook a lot. Thats not to say to let her abuse you, don't get me wrong, but her anger is going to have to come out somehow. If the two of you do get back together, couples counseling will be a good idea to help get the two of you back on track emotionally. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
thanks for the input, i agree that i need to start as a friend fosure!
i think she is rubbing in the pain by having this guy around as well...
i truly beleive that the window is still open for me to trytrytry...but as you said, as a friend first and gain that back!

i did hurt her feelings..and i really want to try, the time it will take does not bother me, my connection to her is strong!

what if she shuts me down when i call her to say hi? or a coffee to meet up?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Now did I say anything about coffee? Of course she will probably shut you down, that's why you're not going to ask to see her. Over the next couple of months all you want to do is get her to talk to you. You'll do that by being a friend and getting to know the person you pushed away for so long. If you call her, you just want to say hi, if she acts mean or 'shuts you down' that's's to be expected. Apologize for calling, and let her know that it's not your intention to upset her, you just needed to talk to her, and it's ok, you'll let her off the phone and be prepared to hang up....she may stop you, or she may not. If she does get off the phone with you, wait a week, and send her a text or email, like I mentioned before. Simply mention something from when you first got together that you happened to run across recently. Keep it short and see what the response is. If nothing wait another 4or 5 days and give her a call asking her something (where she bought something or something that she knows you can't do on your own, maybe a recipe, where she bought a particular book or anything), just something to make her feel that you needed her. Again, don't mention anything about seeing her or getting back together. The goal is for HER to ask to see you, not the other way around. I'm here if you want to talk more.


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