Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship
This answer was rated:

Theproblem is my boyfriend has a group of married friends and

they all do stuff together...
Theproblem is my boyfriend has a group of married friends and they all do stuff together off and on. Before I met my boyfiend, he was the only single one around them. They all love him and they all party and get tipsy a lot. I am 26 and he is 29. The guys are high school buddies and grew up together. They are nice but I am more proper than the wives and I really don't care for any of them. There is one that decided that she was jealous of me and started doing and saying stuff behind my back. The situation is well known and the husbands choose to ignoe the problem. She is hot and cold and I do not trust her . She is a gossip and malicious. The girls put up with her but I don't think they really care for her. My problem is my boyfriend doesn't seem to think that I should feel uncomfortable and just suck it up. He goes to the gtherings and drinks and leaves me with these boring snobby girls. He and I are fighting more when an invite comes up and I dread seeing her. I say no. what do I do
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 1 hour by:
12/20/2008
Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21,522
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Verified
Hi, and thanks for your question.

It sounds, from your description, like you're in a difficult situation.

While you don't care to spend time with these women and their husbands, it would be a mistake to cut your husband off from any social interaction with them, completely. You should talk with him calmly, about not enjoying the time you spend in the company of these people, but tell him that you realize it's important to him to spend time with his longtime buddies, and you would never deprive him of that. Suggest that he get together with 'the guys', just guys, to go bowling, to the movies, play pool, have a drink, etc., once a month or so, and the 'gatherings' don't have to be at someone's house, so wives are included. Explain to him that on that night he's out with the guys, it would be a good opportunity for you to have a 'girl's night out', with your friends, relatives, etc., or maybe you'll stay home and catch up on some reading, laundry, etc.

It's understandable that he would enjoy bringing you to these gatherings, if it's couples only, he wants to show you off, and you're doing things AS couples; but if the guys are drinking and the ladies are sitting around, separately, there's no reason for you to be there.

I would continue to say no to these invites, but tell him that if it's that important to him, he can go by himself. There's no reason for you to agree to be put into a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable and unhappy. Ask him to put the shoe on the other foot. Ask him how he would feel if you brought him along to a gathering of people YOU were very familiar with, he didn't particularly care for, and you left him alone to be with your female friends, while you expected him to socialize with the 'men' who he didn't know that well and really didn't share anything in common with?
He might protest and say, 'oh no, honey, I'd go if it meant a lot to you', but 'call him' on it, and say, you know very well that you would never agree to go again, after the first time, when you saw how things turned out. You wouldn't/didn't have a good time, and would NOT want to do it again. I would never make you feel obligated to socialize with people you didn't feel comfortable around (except for purposes of business), and I'm asking you to please not put ME in that position.

Tell him your relationship means a lot to you, HE means a lot to you, and something this silly shouldn't cause you to fight. Make it clear that you are not preventing him from seeing his friends and enjoying their company, you just have no interest in going on that particular night, and you'll find something you enjoy better, to do, even if that other thing is staying home and relaxing or catching up on housework.

If you don't allow fights to ensue, after receiving an invite, but handle it calmly and consistently, stick to your guns and your rational reasons for your decisions, I think you'll be able to make him understand how you feel. Even if he continues to say he doesn't understand why you don't want to go, what's the big deal, etc., don't continue the argument with him; just say, I've already told you why I don't care to go, and you'll have to accept that. I have nothing else to say--I've said it all. You go and have a good time.

I wish you much good luck!

Cher
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 9 years ago
Thanks Cher, I know that you are right in what you say but the hard part is the invites are parties that he will miss out on or they are a big birthday party or a lakehouse for the weekend. He is an outgoing person and I am more of a one on one person and love to be snuggled in bed reading a book with him or going to a coffee shop and talking about a movie. We don't socialize with them casually so it's hard when he gets excited to go to a great(in his words) party. He knows how I feels and he will bring it up anyway. I say go alone and he can't stand that answer. I'm afraid that this will ruin our relationship. I know that we are totally opposites and I try really hard but I don't stay up late and I'm over getting intoxicated. He is happy with his friends and quiet with mine and vise versa. We are to marry in Feb.
Hi again, and you're most welcome.

Thanks for the additional detail, which paints a more complete picture of the situation. I can appreciate how you feel; I'm very similar. I didn't realize you were to be married in only 2 months!

It would be a shame to allow this situation to ruin your relationship, if you truly love him. I'm sure you've heard that opposites attract, and this is very true. It's part of what nurtures your relationship, and keeps it exciting.

I didn't realize the types of activities you were doing when you got together with his friends; I just thought it was a gathering at someone's house, every few weeks. A birthday party, you can't allow him to miss, a weekend at the lakehouse, although you dread it, again, if you stay home, you'll be miserable and if he's not with you for the weekend, he'll be miserable.

You don't have to drink and you don't have to stay up late. When you go to these parties with his friends, I think you should propose a compromise. A successful marriage is filled with compromises, a little give and take, and everyone's happy, so you can start doing that now. You BOTH can start doing that, now! : )

Agree to go to these functions, but set a time before you go, that you will leave to come home, and tell him you expect him to stick to his promise of this time to leave. It doesn't have to be late. Also, don't feel obligated to drink alcohol, stick to soda or whatever you like, and try to find some common ground with these women. I realize they're not friends you'd choose, but try to find something you all like, or have in common. Movies, tv shows, books, ask them to tell you funny stories about your fiance from before you met him, or from high school, etc.

In exchange for going to these parties without complaining, your fiance will have to do something YOU like, that he may not like so much (you didn't think there wouldn't be a trade-off here, did you?
: )). Don't choose something to punish him, but choose something you've been asking him to do for you or with you and he hasn't had time or said he didn't want to. Approach it with humor and tell him you'll accompany him to see his friends, but 'don't forget, you promised you'd "whatever" with me, next week!' and hold him to it.

If you don't have many friends (couples) that you spend quality time with now, start working on that, so you'll have other people to have fun with, whose company you BOTH enjoy. Once you're married, the dynamics should shift a little bit, and you might have more leverage, in gracefully bowing out of these gatherings. Also, keep reminding him that you wouldn't mind going, if he spent more time with you. Drinking with his buddies and leaving you to socialize with the wives, who are not really YOUR friends, nor your type, is hurtful to you. He can spend 'some' alone time with the guys, but for the major portion of the evening, tell him you expect him to be with you, which is how it should be.

I just had an idea. What if you were to bring along another couple, with whom you feel comfortable, and then you won't feel so alone and uncomfortable at these parties? Ok, for a weekend at the lakehouse it most likely wouldn't be appropriate to ask if you could invite another couple, but for a birthday party or just a get together, ask your fiance to ask the host if it would be alright. I don't see why not.

I realize this is a difficult situation and there is no simple solution, but I do hope you can use some of my suggestions; try out different methods of compromise and getting him to understand more of your needs.

Cher
Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21,522
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Verified
Cher and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Cher Your Own Question
Cher
Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21,522
21,522 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor

Cher is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,720 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

338 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
I need some advice on whether on not to contact my ex. We
Hello, I need some advice on whether on not to contact my ex. We broke up in Nov after a year and a half. We had some ups and downs and were also doing long distance. In the end, poor communication di… read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
Hypothetical but it happens: I see this all the time, what
Hypothetical but it happens: I see this all the time, what to do in this situation? Husband has not had sex with wife in over 10 years but keeps track of any potential romantic behavior and interferes… read more
llw26
llw26
Private Practice
Doctoral Degree
11 satisfied customers
It's been 4 days now without contact. During the night I
It's been 4 days now without contact. During the night I began to realise that K will never change her mind. She broke with an email and said in it that if I cared for her I would respect her decision… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I'm really hurted actually and just looking for advices
Hello, I'm really hurted actually and just looking for advices about what to do while so confuse once I already was betrayed in my past relationship. My English is not so good I'm sorry. Well, 3 month… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
171 satisfied customers
I just got back recently with my ex girlfriend... we been
I just got back recently with my ex girlfriend... we been back together for 2 weeks now and in the middle had one serious argument. After the argument i apologized cuz it was my misjudgement. She acce… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
171 satisfied customers
I ONLY WANT THERAPIST Oh Boy Again! Wait til you hear this
I ONLY WANT THERAPIST JENOh Boy Again! Wait til you hear this one.... it's back to Darcy my favorite ...So last night I stopped by a local sports bar for a beer... I've been taking a “Heart Break” and… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My husband flirts with women on FB. He will friend women
My husband flirts with women on FB. He will friend women from far away who pose sexy selfies and he comemets on their beauty and so forth. I feel this is cheating. Now there is messages going on in hi… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I started talking to a girl on a dating website about three
Hi. I started talking to a girl on a dating website about three weeks ago, and we've been on 2 dates so far. I REALLY like her - she's sweet, cute, fun...but last week, after our second date, I went t… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My boyfriend and I decided to mutually path ways 4 days ago
My boyfriend and I decided to mutually path ways 4 days ago because of his career choices and my family issues. 2 days after the pathing, he visited me at my house and we agreed that all we experienci… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
For expert: today I am arriving at his city and stay for two
For expert Martin: Hi today I am arriving at his city and stay for two weeks. I haven't contacted him since that grumpy message probably because I m not happy that he was avoiding me. Now can you give… read more
Martin
Martin
Electrical engineer
Bachelor's Degree
486 satisfied customers
I was only conceived for the mental health of my elder
I was only conceived for the mental health of my elder sister who was a mistake. Is this a reasonably normal background please?… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
171 satisfied customers
I went though my girlfriends phone and she was watching me
I went though my girlfriends phone and she was watching me to see what I was going through and looking at and was wondering if that's a red flag .She said she just wanted to see what I was looking at … read more
S. August Abbott
S. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
260 satisfied customers
I am looking for some unbiased help on my relationship. She
i am looking for some unbiased help on my relationship … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My wife and I have been married 40 years. In sorting photos
My wife and I have been married 40 years. In sorting photos I noticed while organizing our old photos that she kept a number of photos (7 or 8) of an old boy friend. She dated him off and on for about… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
446 satisfied customers
I am a 38-year-old male and work full-time in
Hello I am a 38-year-old male and work full-time in law-enforcement. Over five years ago I met a woman through my work and her daughter was 11 at the time. She was with somebody then so I thought noth… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My girlfriend and I were dating for around a year and we
my girlfriend and I were dating for around a year and we attend the same church . We had both been out of long term relationships and healed each other before forming our own relationship. We were going great and madly Inlove .her behavior was amazing towards me with no signs of changing for the worse up until November 2017 we were having these tiny but annoying arguments mostly caused by me and my trust issues I will admit . So I called her one morning to make up for an argument we had the night before and she suddenly tells me she doesn't love me anymore and she does not want the relationship anymore . I freeze but go about the usual desperate plead and beg route which made her even more upset . We attend church that Sunday and when she sees me she feels the love again and we speak normal for 2 weeks not officially together yet but making moves she evens sends me a detailed email telling me how impressed she is and it will help us going forward . I push to hard the next day of this email and upset her all over again. That weekend before Christmas 2017 she goes totally cold towards me and destroys me in a phone call and tells me I am obsessed with her etc. she drops me a further bombshell the week of Christmas by telling me she is going to meet her ex for breakfast and I need to be mature about it . I decide then and there I am done with this and I cut off all contact with her . No calls or texts and emails . So about 2 weeks go by and she sends me a text ‘hey you have just crossed my mind hope you are well' I respond 5 hours later with ‘I am well . Hope you well,take care' the next week she sends me a pointless text to which I just respond with thank you and this week she sends me a long detailed apology email informing me that she is sorry for pain she had caused me and I am truly a great guy and she doesn't understand why she had so much built up anger toward me and till this day she can't seem to know why she got so upset with me and she doesn't deserve me etc . I responded with a simple thanks for the apology and she said she does not know why she took so long to apologize something just held her back . I don't hate her at all it not in my nature to hold grudges but this girl ruined my holidays and told me really hurtful stuff while she was out having a blast . And now suddenly she feels apologetic. Please advise … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
171 satisfied customers
Whenever I'm talking to a girl, I get incredibly jealous
Whenever I'm talking to a girl, I get incredibly jealous when they mention or are with hanging other guys. (I'm a 20 year old guy) I don't know why though, I don't like getting jealous but I can't hel… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
171 satisfied customers
If he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, why
If he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, why doesnt he leave instead of giving me false hope?… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
171 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x