replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and you're most welcome.
Thanks for the additional detail, which paints a more complete picture of the situation. I can appreciate how you feel; I'm very similar. I didn't realize you were to be married in only 2 months!
It would be a shame to allow this situation to ruin your relationship, if you truly love him. I'm sure you've heard that opposites attract, and this is very true. It's part of what nurtures your relationship, and keeps it exciting.
I didn't realize the types of activities you were doing when you got together with his friends; I just thought it was a gathering at someone's house, every few weeks. A birthday party, you can't allow him to miss, a weekend at the lakehouse, although you dread it, again, if you stay home, you'll be miserable and if he's not with you for the weekend, he'll be miserable.
You don't have to drink and you don't have to stay up late. When you go to these parties with his friends, I think you should propose a compromise. A successful marriage is filled with compromises, a little give and take, and everyone's happy, so you can start doing that now. You BOTH can start doing that, now! : )
Agree to go to these functions, but set a time before you go, that you will leave to come home, and tell him you expect him to stick to his promise of this time to leave. It doesn't have to be late. Also, don't feel obligated to drink alcohol, stick to soda or whatever you like, and try to find some common ground with these women. I realize they're not friends you'd choose, but try to find something you all like, or have in common. Movies, tv shows, books, ask them to tell you funny stories about your fiance from before you met him, or from high school, etc.
In exchange for going to these parties without complaining, your fiance will have to do something YOU like, that he may not like so much (you didn't think there wouldn't be a trade-off here, did you?
: )). Don't choose something to punish him, but choose something you've been asking him to do for you or with you and he hasn't had time or said he didn't want to. Approach it with humor and tell him you'll accompany him to see his friends, but 'don't forget, you promised you'd "whatever" with me, next week!' and hold him to it.
If you don't have many friends (couples) that you spend quality time with now, start working on that, so you'll have other people to have fun with, whose company you BOTH enjoy. Once you're married, the dynamics should shift a little bit, and you might have more leverage, in gracefully bowing out of these gatherings. Also, keep reminding him that you wouldn't mind going, if he spent more time with you. Drinking with his buddies and leaving you to socialize with the wives, who are not really YOUR friends, nor your type, is hurtful to you. He can spend 'some' alone time with the guys, but for the major portion of the evening, tell him you expect him to be with you, which is how it should be.
I just had an idea. What if you were to bring along another couple, with whom you feel comfortable, and then you won't feel so alone and uncomfortable at these parties? Ok, for a weekend at the lakehouse it most likely wouldn't be appropriate to ask if you could invite another couple, but for a birthday party or just a get together, ask your fiance to ask the host if it would be alright. I don't see why not.
I realize this is a difficult situation and there is no simple solution, but I do hope you can use some of my suggestions; try out different methods of compromise and getting him to understand more of your needs.
Cher and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you