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why is he not telling the truth

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why is he not telling...

why is he not telling the truth? people are telling thAT MY BOYFRIEND IS USING TO "CLEAN BUILDINGS, BUT DOES NOT PAY ME ENOUGH. I KNOWN HIM FOR 17 YEARS, WE ARE NOT MARRY.

THIS GUY CONSIDERS HIMSELF "UGLY". WE DO NOT HAVE SEX ANYMORE. HE FELT THAT WAS NEVER GOING TO GET MARRY AT ALL.

I THINK HE HAS LOW SELF STEEM ABOUT HIMSELF. AND TRYING TO TAKE REVENGE ON ME, BY USING ME TO CLEAN OFFICE. I ALREADY TALK TO HIM ABOUT THE PROBLEM.

HE PAYS LESS THE $400 DOLLARS A MONTH. ONCE IN A WHILE HE BUYS ME CLOTHES, TAKES ME TO EAT, BUT HE KEEPS MOST THE BUSINESS MONEY.

IS THIS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR TOWARD ME ? HE IS NOT TELLING WHY HE IS ACTING LIKE THIS.

I AM 37 HE IS 47 YEARS OLD. HE WANTED ME TO GO TO THE DATING SERVICE IN 1991.

Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 1 day by:
12/21/2008
Counselor: Ed Johnson, Consultant replied 8 years ago
Ed Johnson
Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10,760
Experience: USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
Verified

Dear missbianca,

 

Thank you for your question.

 

I believe your assessment of his esteem is most likely accurate. it would be hard to know for sure without me talking to him to find out his side of things. BUT based on what you have said, that part seems accurate.

 

I do not thing however it is necessarily correct to say he is taking out his self esteem issues by making you work cheaply. I believe that is another issue based on issues related to boundaries and entitlement.

 

A lot of people, when in relationship, expect things of their loved ones, and close friends that they would never expect of a stranger. For some reason they feel entitled and have no problem mistreating those that they purport to love in the following ways:

 

1. Free or below market services for professional talents

2. free and low cost loans; and forgiven debt

3. special low cost deals at whole sale or less for products and services

4. not saying thank you or please

and so forth.

 

Using myself for an example: my sister borrowed 2,000 from my brother, but never paid him back. My girl friend expects me to work for her business and help her on her apartment complex for free, I even get taken advantage of as I actually ended up buying the products that went into her rental unit, for which she collects rent.

 

It happens with nearly everyone at some time in their lives.

 

Your boyfriend is taking advantage of you, but he is really taking advantage of the relationship, because of social issue related to boundaries and entitlement.

 

You are also part of that game. You accept it. You, at some point, agreed to do the work for that little bit of money. Like me, you did it because you loved him, and you wanted to be with him, and you wanted to help him. You did it, perhaps, because somehow you felt if you didn't, he would not want you or would not love you. (only you know if that is true).

 

Like me, you will have to make a decision. How is your self esteem? can you tell him, you refuse to work anymore for less than 12.50 cents an hour. Is your esteem strong enough that you can tell him, that you may be his girlfriend, but you deserve 12.50 an hour. AND are you strong enough to walk off the job if he does not give you the raise. Look in the mirror, and do a confidence check on your own self esteem and strength to stand up for yourself in this relationship. Do a list: what do you do for him over the past 5 years, and what has he done for you.

 

It does not look like he cares for you in the way you would like him to. This behavior does in fact sound like abuse in the form of neglect. BUT, you are letting him do it.

 

It sounds to me like you need to stand up for yourself and be prepared to walk. I would say you are abused, neglected, and under appreciated.

 

 

 

Ed Johnson
Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10,760
Experience: USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

I DID ASK HIM FOR MORE MONEY. SEVERAL YEARS AGO HE GAVE ME 1,000 DOLLARS. I HAD TO CONFRONT HIM ABOUT THE ISSUE, I TOOK OFF A COUPLE MONTHS, AND LEFT HIM.

 

I CANNOT THINK OF "ANY OTHER REASON WHY HE ACTING LIKE THIS. OTHER THAN THE FACT HE FELT HE WAS "NEVER GOING TO GET MARRY" = LOW SELF ESTEEM.

 

MOST PEOPLE THAT NEGLECT, OR ABUSE HAVE TO HAVE A REASON. IF I WAS DOING THIS TO HIM I WOULD HAVE A MOTIVE.(MOST PEOPLE HAVE A MOTIVE FOR THEIR MISBEHAVIOR)

Counselor: Ed Johnson, Consultant replied 8 years ago

Dear Missbianca,

 

I have trouble with the statements you are making with regard to his motivations. While you could be right, it is not true for example that "Most People have a motivation for misbehavior". Of course that is the position taken by police, etc. But misbehavior is very broad and is not necessarily related to criminal acts. When I use the word "motivate" in my counseling, I use it to imply forthougth, and most people, in regard to daily misbehavior in relationships, do not really know why they do what they do. It has become part of their heuristic... That is a level of pathology. In many cases, it takes months and in some cases years before a person truly understands why they behave the way they do.

 

I agree that he may not of had any intention of getting married. And that may or may not be related to self esteem; but it can be also related to mistreatment in his life growing up. I do not think you should be trying to diagnose his condition.

 

Some people neglect and abuse as alearned behavior orginating during their growing up environment or negative significant emotional events in their life.

 

I do not understand why you are so focused on diagnosing him.

 

You can not fix him. You can not cure him. You can not control him. If you left him once, and then you came back....why would you do that. Do you like being abused and neglected?

 

You can control your behavior. AND that is the strongest power you have.

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW WHY HE IS ACTING LIKE THIS "FOR 17 YEARS". ESPECIALLY, IF HE IS NOT WILLING TO COMMUNICATE.

HIS MOTHER WAS IN A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE FOR 35 YEARS. HER HUSBAND WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. THE HUSBAND KEPT SOME OF THE MONEY, AND DID WHATEVER HE WANTS WITH IT. I WONDER WHAT EFFECT IT HAS ON HIM.

HIS DAD DIED IN 1988 AT THE AGE OF 55. I AM SORYY IF YOU MISUNDERSTOOD THE WORD "MOTIVE"

Counselor: Ed Johnson, Consultant replied 8 years ago

Dear missbianca,

 

Not a problem. Since we do not have the advantage of voice contact, and visual contact with each other, it is sometimes difficult to communicate feelings and meanings.

 

I agree, that knowing what part his past family history contributes to his current behavior, makes for better understanding. But if he is unwilling to communicate about those issues, we can only speculate and make assumptions. It takes his willingness to discuss those issues and to enjoin those kinds of introspection and discussions. What part it plays, if it is to create change, has to come from him; not you or I.

 

It is equally important to find out also, what role you play. Why for example, do you stay in such relationship? What is best for you? Why do you allow yourself to be taken advantage of. What is it you do that is enabling?

 

Both parts are true here. It is not all him. Every relationship is a couple, a twosome...

 

In treating couples, we often look at not just him or her, but at the entire dyad.

 

Ed Johnson
Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10,760
Experience: USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
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