replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your replies with additional information.
From your description of all the circumstances, I think your intuition correct, in suspecting that something is up with her and this other guy, besides email, texting, and phone calls.
Unfortunately, it seems that she's getting her cake and eating it too; in other words, she's playing both ends against the middle and receiving benefits from two relationships at once.
You were engaged, planned to be married and have a life together; you have a child together and are also caring for your younger brother, who is part of your family. She's entitled to change her mind and decide that she no longer wants to be engaged to you and take her life in a different direction, but it seems that she hasn't made up her mind completely, yet, and this is what's causing your confusion--SHE'S confused, giving mixed signals, and taking you along for the ride.
I realize you're allowing her to come over and do whatever she wants, because you don't want to scare her off; you want her to keep coming around and if that happens, you think there's always more of a chance you'll get back together. However, I feel she's interested in maintaining this relationship with the other man (whether it's online, texting, by phone, and/or she's physically seem him), because it's something 'different' and exciting. Not that she doesn't find you exciting, it's just that this is something different which takes her away from her every day life, routine, and responsibilities. She can be a different person when she's relating to him. She's not a fiancee, she's not a mother, she has no responsibilities for houskeeping, etc. I think that's what she likes about this other relationship. In addition, after being with you for 6 years, she might have felt something was missing, as she told you she wasn't happy and didn't know if she wanted this anymore. I don't know how she came to be in contact with this other guy (was it online?), but he represents someone to talk to who is NOT related to her 'real' life and real responsibilities. She's quite young and doesn't sound as mature as you. However, she DOES have responsibilities, mainly to her son, and she needs to make a decision.
Of course, you don't want her to decide to stay with you and be unhappy or blame you for her unhappiness, in the future, but either you're together or you're not. I think it was very kind of you to change your mind and tell her it's okay if she continues to talk to this other guy, after asking her to stop, but by doing that, you removed any guilt she may have been feeling over talking to this guy and possibly hurting you.
You have to do some serious thinking about still wanting to be in a relationship with her and/or possibly married to her, considering her current behavior. You will ALWAYS be tied to her, in your life, because you have a child together, and if you should decide not continue on, you should speak to an attorney specializing in family law, regarding your arrangement re: who your son is living with, who will contribute to his support, etc., so that there is no confusion regarding those facts and arrangements.
I understand that you don't want to lose her, and if there's a chance you could get back together for good, you'd be very happy with that; however, I think she's demonstrated that she's not as mature as you, does things on the spur of the moment, and is basically 'cheating' on you, with this other man. You need to sit down, without the kids present (have them spend time at her dad's, or with another relative or friend who will take them out for a few hours), and have a serious discussion with her, regarding the future of your relationship. She's going to have to make a decision whether she wants to stay with you or see this other man, and/or date other people, and you have to tell her how you truly feel about her seeing this man while she's still with you. It's hurtful to you for her to come to your house, make meals, sleep with you, yet obviously be involved in another relationship at the same time. You're doing everything right, and giving her her 'space' to decide what she wants to do, but I feel that she's taking advantage of your good nature. Every relationship is different, of course, but I don't think any other man or woman would feel comfortable with their ex-fiancee spending time with another person, while still 'partially' living the life they had before, with them.
Try to speak to her about this, be honest, don't argue or yell, don't 'accuse'; just tell her that for the sake of your son and the both of you, in order to be happy, you need to know her intentions for the future, because this is not an acceptable way to live and will eventually adversely impact your son, as he gets older and is more aware of things going on around him. Tell her your true feelings, that you still love her and planned on building a life with her. Ask her how she feels about that.
After you have this heart to heart discussion with her, you'll know better, how to proceed. You BOTH have to be happy in this relationship, or what's left of it, and know if it's salvageable at this point. Don't sacrifice your own happiness to try to hold onto what you had with her, if she's moving in another direction which will end up being hurtful to you.
I hope things work out the way you want them to, and please let me know if you would like to discuss this further.
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