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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Ive been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks and

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I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks and things were going great, we seemed to be getting really close. When the other night she invited me over to hers , i was really looking forward to seeing her , no sooner had i got into her room when she tells me that she doesnt want a relationship. This really took me by surprise ; she said that it was nothing to do with me but that she had been in relationships constantly for the past 5 years and that she wants some time to herself. I feel i can understand this but i'm finding it hard to accept as things were going so well. I asked her if there was any chance of us getting together in the future and her answer to that was 'it will be at least a few months' ; i found it weird that she jumped straight to how long it would be rather than , expressing any doubt that it would happen... she also told me that she doesnt want me to wait for her . I'm not sure what to make of it all, i dont know what to do about it.
Hello Craig,

Where did you meet?

Do you think there may be someone else?

What are your ages?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi Chase,

We met in september , she is flatmates with a good friend of mine, i first met her at a flat party they were having .

I wouldnt like to think there was somone else as its not really something she could hide as i am good friends with her flatmates so there would be no point in lying about it to me.

I'm turning twenty in a couple of months and she just turned 21 last month.

We can talk all day about why she may have made this decision, but the problem is the only person who can really tell you why she made this decision is her. One thing we can say is that she has told you what she wants. She's said she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, and she said "don't wait for her". That last statement is really me, it's saying that she's really serious about not wanting to be involved or to be involved with you. It's important that even though it feels personal, that we don't take it personal because it could be anything in her life that is making her feel that way and it could be something that has nothing to do with you. Even if it does have to do with you, you won't know unless she tells you, and you can't stress yourself out over something you can't really change. I'm not sure if this is what you wanted or needed to hear, but I would say see how she acts over the next week or so, and if she doesn't show you any type of interest, then you will have to move on and let it go. Even if she does show interest, be careful because she's already told you where she's at with you could get more involved, but she will still be in the same space, and that could cause you to get hurt. I know there probably doesn't seem to be an upside, but at least it's only been a few weeks as opposed to a few months or years. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi Chase,

Thanks for your answer ,yeah , these were thoughts that i had aswell. I should probably go into a bit more detail. You see the night she told me that she didnt want a relationship , i really just listened to what she had to say and told her that i understood , and for the most part i do. The next day i'd had a lot of time to think about it and i went to talk to her to tell her what i thought , although i pretty much new that i wouldnt change her mind but i felt i had to tell her anyway. I told her that i understand but that i think its silly to throw away something good , and other things like that. She said that she was happy being with me but that she was aslo happy by herself . Something that confuses me though is that if she really just didnt want to be with me , wouldnt she say that ? I mean why let there be any doubt , why let me think that there is a chance when there isnt , that just causes both of us unnecessary grief.

Also another thing that really confused me wast that when we were finnished talking , when i was leaving i went to kiss her . She had an icecream in her hand and as i went to kiss her she shyly recoiled and lifted up the icecream and jokingly said ' do you want icecream on your nose'. I really didnt know what to make of this... i find it hard to believe that she all of a sudden doesnt want to kiss a person that shes been kissing passionately for the past 2 weeks. Could it be that it was too hard for her to kiss me and still carry on with being alone , was she afraid that it would have maybe made her change her mind ?
Coming from my perspective, based on what you told me, I will be very frank. I think the reason why she's not being flat out about it is because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Many people do this, male and female, to soften the blow, make it seem like there might still be a chance so that the other person will not feel so hurt. But you are very right, it really just makes things worse in the long run, because it tells the other person if they stick around, things might change.

The ice cream thing....I would say that if she kissed you again, then it would go against what she just told you which is she didn't want to see you. So if she kissed you, whether it would have given her second thoughts, or whether she would have felt it was leading you on, she didn't want to take the chance. I think she's being clear, even while not being clear. You'll want to just leave it alone for a bit, and see what happens. I wouldn't wait around for longer than a few weeks though.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Yeah , i see what you mean. It's just an odd situation , i'd like to think that its just as she says , that she needs some time to be by herself and that she will eventually come around. Everybody needs somebody eventually right ? Is that just wishful thinkging ? Haha.

She told me very clearly that she didnt want to stop talking or seeing each other, this would be hard as our friends are fairly intertwined . But i havent been pestering her as i know if i do that any chance there may be of us getting back together , i'll ruin.

We're at uni and she's going back home tomorrow for christmas , so i won't see her for over a month. I was planning to catch her before she left ,as i have a christmas present for her , which i had bought whilst we were going out , it was inititally as somehing i just thought she'd like but i thought i might aswell leave it for christmas , then it all unravelled. I dont know whether i should give it to her , though i think i should definitely see her before she goes.

I think you're right though , that i'm just going to have to play the wainting game and see what happens, hope for the best. I know that it will only be worse for me if i do wait for her , i just thought that it was going o be something special and i'm not willing to give up on it that easily. Maybe i'm just being a chump but thats how i feel, though i think i'll only last so long before i realise that its not going to happen .
It's up to you if you want to give her the gift. You can tell her you had already purchased it, if you really want her to have it. Yes, it may be wishful thinking, but if it's something you really want, there's no harm in waiting to see what happens as long as it doesn't go on for an extensive period of time, when she's been clear. You're not a chump because you have feelings, you're human, and there's nothing wrong with that. :)

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