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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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FOR CHASE. Im sorry to be pestering you, but I need your wisdom

Resolved Question:

FOR CHASE. I'm sorry to be pestering you, but I need your wisdom again. I understand if you don't remember all the details of my first question, but it involved my boyfriend not being ready to get engaged, and some other issues. I've taken all of your advice in... and since we've had some good heart-to-hearts on the subject. But just today, a conversation has really confused me, which is why I'm talking to you now. I don't have enough room on here to explain the details of a previous conversation we had before the one today, but I will tell you the first chance I get to reply. Anyway, I will elaborate on today's conversation as well when I can reply, but the gist of it is, he's gone on about not being ready, but would say yes if I proposed. The contradictions are killing me.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hey there...of course i remember your last question. When you get a chance, go ahead and write out what you want to tell me about it and I will look it over and get back to you

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thank you so much. :)

Okay, so the night before last, we got talking about the whole situation. I'd been taking your advice, being busy, not txting him all the time, not bringing the engagement stuff up, etc.

Anyhoo. So during our discussion, he had said that although he loves me so much, and I'm the best thing in his life, he is unhappy with every other part of his life and wants to be happy all-around, before we go to the next level.

I explained that I understood and respected his feelings on it, but then I gave a different perspective. Not to try and change how he feels or anything, just give a different view.

I explained that although it's completely respectable and I totally understand ... there will always be some form of stress in life. Regardless if you're married or not, engaged or not. Stress is inevitable. Even if you're working at your dream job, there will still be SOMETHING you don't like, whether it be a coworker or a mundane task you have to do.

Then I said I know a lot of guys feel that they need to reach a certain goal before they can get engaged or whatever, but that it's not necessary. I mean, yes, obviously if you're planning to have kids in the near future, you'd need finances in order and possibly a house.

But we already live together. He apparently knows he wants to marry me, with no doubts. And apparently he's known this since early on in our relationship.

When I was talking about how there's always stress in life, I started talking about how everyone has their moments where they just totally feel like shit, and they hate certain parts of their life, like maybe their job sucks (he wants a new job, but has said it's bearable, that he just finds his boss annoying). I said that I have those moments too - but that doesn't change how I feel about him, or when/where/how I want our relationship to progress. I said I could be homeless and jobless, and still want to marry him. Obviously that would suck and may not be the smartest, but I'm sure you know what I mean. I was trying to make a point.

He was totally silent the whole time, which was really nice, because I knew he was definitely taking in what I was saying. Usually if it's an argument or something, he'll pipe up and interrupt a lot and I know we're getting nowhere. But I've changed how I approach things.

Anyway. So I was impressed with how I explained things, and I really hope I at least made him think about things more. Even if he doesn't change his mind.

So. Now we get to today.

I was being a nerd and reading my horoscope. He was right next to me, so I went to his.

Basically his ENTIRE horoscope was about him either giving or receiving a proposal by Christmas, or New Year's. I was just sitting there thinking, um wow. It'd be nice if it came true, obviously haha, but I won't take it to heart.

Anyway. So I was reading out the last part, where it (again) said that he'd be giving or getting a marriage proposal by year's end.

I laughed and made a joke, saying "Ooh, maybe I'll propose to you!" He laughed and said "aww" and I (harmlessly, not meaning to start anything) then said "No, don't worry, I wouldn't do that. I know I'd get a no and it'd crush my ego" and then I continued laughing.

Then right away, he's like "I highly, highly doubt I'd say no." So then I responded with a "yes you would, it's okay"

Then he gets all serious and looks at me, and says "what makes you think I'd say no?"

I was kinda shocked and just looked at him, then said "because ... you've told me that you're not ready to get engaged, so whether I ask or you ask, it shouldn't make a difference..."

Then he just got up and said he was going to lay down. I was like what the heck just happened here??!

And now I'm so confused. Like what the heck. He tells me over and over again how he's not ready, he has to be completely and totally happy with every facet of his life before he can get engaged .... but then if I'm the one doing the asking ... he'd say yes?

I don't understand it, at all.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
It's just really frustrating, you know?

He's either ready, or he isn't. It's annoying when my emotions get toyed with like they have been today, it's either one or the other. I wish he'd stick to one.

It shouldn't make a difference who asks who. If he's not ready to ask himself, why should his readiness change because I'm the one doing the asking?!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Well, you're shouldn't matter. The poor child sounds confused. It seems like in some sense your explanation to him made him start thinking. Remember he never actually said he wouldn't say no, he just asked you what made you think he would say no, right? I know it's confusing, but I honestly think that you should steer clear of any more discussions about getting married or engaged, period, for at least 3-6 months. Don't mention it, in fact avoid it like the plague. Continue as you have with your fabulous, independent, intelligent self and let him think that your life would be fabulous whether he married you or not (which it would...even though you might not believe that right now) and let him stew for a bit. It's already going to freak him out when you don't mention it anymore, but it will also give him room to think about it on his own without it coming from you. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks Chase. And yes, actually later on, he did say that he wouldn't say no. One of the reasons I'm so confused.

I'd be happy if my explanation made him start thinking about things. In no way am I trying to change his views or anything, certainly not. I just thought he was so stuck on the one viewpoint, that I'd give a different view to get him thinking about things.

I will definitely avoid it like the plague, that was the plan after our talk the other night, but then it came up today.

He always says we can talk about it any time, but the truth is, we totally can't. It's not that we argue, it's just we both end up feeling bad. It makes me sad that we apparently now can't even joke about it. It scares me that we can't just talk casually about our future.

Also, another topic is moving out of town. Originally, as of the summer, I had told him that with what had been going on, I didn't want to move out of town with him unless we were engaged. He understood... but now we got to talking about moving again, and I decided that the job market here doesn't bode well for when I graduate college in April.. so in May, we're moving. But even though I look at it from that angle, I can't get completely over the fact that I've abandoned the one rule I had for myself. Granted, minds can change, and I'm not moving solely to be with him (it's for both our careers as well), so I could just look at it like that.

I know you said in previous conversations that I shouldn't compare our relationship to those of my friends. I totally agree, but I was wondering if you had any advice as to how to have the engagement stuff not totally come back to mind when I hear of a new engagement? I've had 15 different people I know get engaged or married in the last year alone, some dating for less time than my boyfriend and I... and sometimes I heard of 2 or 3 people getting engaged all in one month! I'm trying so hard not to compare, but how do I just put it out of mind completely so I don't feel down when I hear about others?

Thanks again.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Couple things

When we live with someone, it can be harder to get married than if we dont live with someone. Something like the old adage 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".... the urgency is gone because he comes home to you every night. So the moving isn't going to matter as much as the fact that you already live together.

Hearing about relationships is like when you're trying to have a baby and can' seems everyone around you is pregnant or has a baby....or when you're on a diet and every time you turn around someone is eating a donut or sweet, or when you stop smoking and people ask you if you want a cig (been there, lol) have to use whatever mental control you have not to let it bother you. Of course it's going to make you think about it...there's not really much you can do about it but take a deep breath and laugh at life and how it tends to push the very thing you want to stop thinking about in your face over and over. Just be strong and ignore it.

I'm always here if you want to talk.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I think the hardest thing to get over is just the happiness part. I mean, there's potentially always something in life, you know? What if we wait and wait, and he's just never completely happy with all the facets of his life? Are we just going to keep putting our relationship in a holding pattern?

It's also hard knowing that all the things he said he needs to achieve BEFORE we get engaged ... are all things we can work toward and achieve, together. You can still work towards things and all the while still be engaged.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
I can't argue with you, because you're right. The problem is we think with our hearts and not our heads. So although you can state the facts as you have, leaving him over it is not something you're willing to do right now. What if the relationship does stay in a holding pattern? How long are you willing to stick around? 2 yrs? 5 yrs? The fact is, someone out there would probably be willing to marry you in a it's important that you don't look at this as a problem you need to 'solve' or feel like it's a challange you need to win, but that you decide how long you are willing to wait, and you can base that on how the relationship is going and how well he can open up to you.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
You've gotten me thinking again, Chase. Thank you.

It's horrible, but I feel like I'm so "in" it, that I honestly don't know how long I'm willing to wait. I mean, I love him with all my heart, and don't get me wrong... I don't want to just be married, period. I want to marry him.

Getting married to the one I love is very important to me (apparently to him, as well)... but I just don't know how long I should wait for him to be ready.

The main thing I can't wrap my head around is if he supposedly KNOWS he wants to marry me, what is the big deal? I've told him time and again that it's not like we'd be actually getting married tomorrow. It takes anywhere up to 2+ years to plan for things and save up anyhow.

And I mean, jesus, we already live together. Our "forever" has already started. So what difference does it make? Seriously. On top of that, he gave me a promise ring for Christmas last year.

I don't mean to sound like I'm being a princess-type or anything ... but I mean, he was able to "promise" engagement at this time last year. Now we live together.

But even with all these things in mind, and even though he already knows he's going to spend his life with me ... it's not enough for him to actually move forward and make it happen.

Or, he just doesn't want to. I mean, I know it's a big step and everything, but... I just don't see if he claims to already know he's going to marry me, what the big deal is.

I will take your advice and not look at this like a problem I need to solve. I just don't know how to decide how long I'm willing to wait.

I always thought when I found the one I wanted to be with forever, that things would be easier. Aside from all of this, it's easy to be with him. But... oye.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
oye, lol. Well, if we step back and look at discrepancies, then we can only accept the obvious answers. Getting married to the one you love is important to you, but if it was important to him, wouldn't he show it to you better? If he knows he wants to marry you, then why doesn't he?

we can only say that either he doesn't want to get married and just doesn't know how to admit it, or that he's so afraid of getting married that he just can't do it. Neither of which is very reassuring. Thats why I say, give it time. Deciding on a time frame is almost impossible when you love someone. Do the 3-6 months without mentioning marriage one time, and see if he brings it up.....see if he acts differently....after that, you can only take it one day at a time. I wish I had a better fix.....

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
That's what I don't get... why doesn't he? If he claims he already wants to. Bah I don't understand his mindset.

I'll go with what you say though, I'll follow the 3-6 months timeframe and not talk about it, observe his reaction... and also see if he brings it up.

Thank you so much, again, Chase. I really, really appreciate it.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
I wish there was an easy button or something we could push on guys to get a better understanding of them, but....

Anytime you want to talk, I'm here.

Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you