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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Im a 32-year old virgin in love with best friend. Problem

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I'm a 32-year old virgin in love with best friend. Problem is she is married with three kids and I'm a she also. What should I do?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What are your ages?


-How long have you been friends?


-Have you told her how you feel about her?


-How lond has she been married?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

She is 33, I am 32.


We have been friends for 13 years.


No, I haven't shared these feelings with her.


She has been married 7 years.


I have never been in a relationship, male or female. I do not identify as gay, but do feel that if there was one person to that I would cross that line for, it would be her. I think that maybe why I have not opened myself up to others is that I feel attached to her, that to be involved with someone else would be cheating. These are feelings that I have just now come to realize.


She is having some difficulties in her marriage now and is leaning on me more than she has in the past. Having witnessed how her husband treats her at times makes it difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. He will verbally abuse her when he thinks that I am not around or does not realize that I am in the other room and can hear him. I have not said anything as she can defend herself and I will not get involved between a husband and wife, but it is becoming more difficult now as he is starting to do the same to his 5-year-old daughter.


My first instinct is to pull back and be less available, but I do not know if that is the best thing to do. By nature, I am a solitary person and other than my parents she is the only other person that I talk to/do things with. I do not know what to do.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


It is important for you to be there as a friend for her right now and put your feelings aside, if you tell her about your feelings now it will only confuse her and possibly push her away plus the fact that she is married no matter how he treats her, she has to be the one to end it with him you telling her that she needs to end it won't make her do it she has to want better for her and her daughter. As far as your feelings for her are concerned that is a touchy subject especially if she is not gay or bi sexual, it could make you lose your friendship if she doesn't feel the same about you or wouldn't even consider it. I would not tell her how you feel now, wait until her marriage has ended and she has had time to find closure within her marriage and has had time to herself. Just try to be there for her as a friend right now and a support system try not to make her any more confused than she already is. If you have anything to add click reply.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Thanks for your response.


So what do I do when he is an ass to her in front of me? How do I get over the feelings that I have that by being involved with someone else is a bad thing?


I have encouraged her to see a therapist, but she refuses, says there is no value in sharing her feelings with a stranger. Which is why she leans on me. I'm no therapist, I've spent some time with therapists, but that is it.


It also does not help my situation much in that she is very touchy feely and when I try to maintain some space, she steps right into it and hugs or touches me, leaving me all excited and confused.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


There really isn't anything you can do because they are married and she has to want to end the verbal abuse. Though therapy would help her to understand that what her husband is doing is not normal or acceptable but she has to want to go and make things better for herself. The final decision is yours to make as to whether you want to tell her how you are feeling about her but I really don't see where telling her this now will help things or make things better. She doesn't know that her being touchy feely is bothering you because she doesn't know that you care about her more than a friend. Also you may have learned something from seeing a therapist that may actually help her and if she asks you your advice then give it to her, tell her how you feel and that her husband is a jerk and treats her and her daughter badly and that you feel she could do better I'm sure the more you are there for her the more she will see how much of a special friend you are but I would wait some time before telling her how you feel and remember it's never a good idea to go into another relationship without finding closure from the one she has left.

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