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We have had a very tough year . We have become parents, I am

about to quit my job...
We have had a very tough year . We have become parents, I am about to quit my job and move back to our home in another country... I am very concerned with my wife. She has this ability to be very sweet, upbeat and positive and then completely be the opposite within hours. She has been recently been saying that I have a bad vibe about me. I would feel fine, but to her there´s something wrong... I got a seriously nasty email that she feels I am putting her in an invisible jail with my vibe on the phone today. I really can´t figure it out. How can I help this situation?
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Answered in 9 minutes by:
12/1/2008
Dr Vikas
Dr Vikas, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2,253
Experience: Psychiatrist
Verified

Hi KO,

Could you please explain, what do you mean by " I got a seriously nasty email that she feels I am putting her in an invisible jail with my vibe on the phone today."

Is there any past history of Psychiatric illness ?

Is there any positive family history of Psychiatric illness in her family?

When did she gave birth to a baby, and is she taking full care of the baby?

Since how long you are noticing this behavior in your wife?

Regards
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
Well I got an email from My wife today.. I am in one country in Europe and she´s in another. I spoke only briefly with her the last two days. Our girl is 16 months old. My wife has had a nasty flu and then a lung infection. I went home immediately to care for her and my daughter this last week but I´m back at my job again. It was a positive week.
    My wife´s Dad is schizophrenic but I really hesitate to tell you that... makes for a possible "easy diagnosis"
    She´s a GREAT Mom. lot´s of patience and creativity... but it´s tiring as we all know especially on your own. That´s why I´m leaving my job... She has shown this behavior a number of times in our 10 years together. It has often left me scratching my head and then numb... I really don´t know what I might have done today...

Here´s the email:
You call, and I can't stand what you're saying.
I can't stand the way you say it. The underlined emotion.
It makes me feel bad. It imprints on me.
I'm not willed anymore to be imprinted.
Whatever it is you have to be - it's so sick to me.
It makes me sick. And I won't take it anymore.
Solve your issues or leave me alone.
It's controlling my life and I won't accept that.
It's been too long, too much.
Without you I am perfectly fine.
A phone call changes everything.
I wonder why? WHY?
You manage to put me in an invisible jail.
And make me someone I can't be anymore.

Hi Ko,

Going through what you have written,in my view this issue should be settled once you are with her again.(which you are already doing).She seems to be a emotional and sensitive woman,and may be she needs you with her at this time of illness and at the same time taking care of that little girl alone! which anyone in her condition would have demanded.
I appreciate your feelings and you are also trying your level best being under constant stress of your job,and hope every thing goes fine in near future.

If you have other query, please tell me.

Regards
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
I was really hoping for some sort of advice beyond what I am already doing. I know going home is a good thing but since that won´t be till Sunday or Monday, I could use some advice to bridge this time frame. She has not answered the phone or an email I sent... So you feel she is simply venting or is there smething more serious I need to be concerned about?

Hi KO,

Since I was not able to help you , I am opting out from this question and other JA expert will answer your question ASAP.

Regards
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
THanks. I´ll wait to hear...
Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2,897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Verified
KO,

What did you say that garnered this response?

What was the conversation about?

When you say this "unsettledness has made me a different person", can you explain that a little more?

Does she have a history of mental illness (aside from her dad)?

Chase
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
I had a couple of quick conversations only... I said what I was doing. preparing for my return home meeting with some potential business people. I was shocked to get this email! Maybe my own fear of the future was coning trough the wires somehow. I was upbeat and positive though. There was nothing negative at all.
    The unsettledness I spoke about was the fact that we have been dividing our life between 2 countries. I have since decided that I´ve had enough of it all and will return to our home in Austria. However... my work has not yet been secured. It´s an unsettled time. I believe I have become less assertive and less confident. My wife has not been happy with this in the last year. Time for a major change.
    My wife has never had any mental illness.

KO,

The only thing I can say is the email she sent you was very strong, and very specific that you are in some way controlling or hurting her. So I can only assume one of a few things. Either you are not being forthcoming with me about your actions toward her, or if you can honestly say that you haven't done anything to hurt her then there is a good chance she is going through some type of depression and showing more than a bit of paranoia. Being less assertive and less confident would not have garnered this strong of a response from a woman. I know you are returning home, and I think you should, quickly. I would even inform any friends or family near her to check in on her to make sure she's ok with the baby. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
    You are absolutely right when you say my wife´s email was very strong. I was so taken aback by it since I had no indication in our brief last phone call that she was upset with me!
    I can honestly say that I have done nothing to hurt her which is the reason I tried to seek out some help. I will quit my job and return home at the end of this week. since this email I have had no contact. Her Mom lives in the same building so they are often checking in. I have to say that this behavior makes me feel very unstable with the whole situation. I guess that´s normal. However, I was home for a week to help her recover from a serious flu and lung infection and by the end of the week we were hugging and talking positively about the future and Christmas... I feel horrible now and quite obviously so does my wife. This pattern has happened before where I have received an absolutely astonishing email that really threw me off. I´m pretty lost as to what to do when my wife feels some sort of bad vibe from me that I don´t feel myself!! suggestions?
I would have been taken aback as well, in fact, it's so strong that I can only think that you are not being honest with me about your actions, or that there's something else going on with her entirely. She could perhaps be experiencing some sort of depression, either from having the baby, or from dissatisfaction with how her life is going right now. If you did nothing to bring about that response, then you have every right to feel unstable, because that email was on the unstable side, it sounds so final, like a woman abused who is not willing to take it anymore.

I would suggest talking to her mother and asking her to be as blunt and honest with you as possible, and ask if she sees anything in your behavior or knows of anything in your behavior that is harming or hurting your wife. If you have other family members you can ask, I would do that as well.

If this is coming totally from her side with no negative input from you, and you have confirmed this with people outside of your relationship, then you may want to consider counseling or therapy. You don't want to withhold the info about her dad, because aside from an 'easy diagnosis', that could be instrumental information considering that it's a disease that can be genetic. Above all, have patience. Being a new mom is not easy. Help with the baby as much as you can (without being asked), give her some time to herself, even if it's just to sleep late, or to take an extra long bath. Get up in the morning and take the baby out, allow her to have time in the house alone. Get a babysitter and take her out, make her feel like a wanted, sexy woman again. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
Thanks fpr the advice. I have to tell you that I am not a bad husband and I am being as forthcoming as I can be. I love my wife very VERY much. I have been in contact with her on the phone and by email. She has been unsatisfied with her life in the last year.... especially living in Holland. I haven´t helped that at all. I could have seen how terrible it was and do whatever was necessary to help her be happy. Like leave here. for me it was always a matter of securing work which was a bit difficult. I chose to have secure income over secure happiness...

There have been so many difficulties this year... she has said to me that we can simply decide for things to be different. She has... small things and has had very positive results and she feels that I am only fearing the changes and acting in a desperate way. This doesn´t help her since in her opinion she feels better being alone at the moment. Like quitting smoking and hanging out with a smoker all day... you know? The habits are still imprinting from an old pattern or habit. I guess she´s sick of the way I approach life. Like I´m accepting events or hoping too much instead of creating and deciding what my life will be like.

It´s hard for me too. AND her email made me feel even worse. I have gone through all the same emotions... but I guess she has a better ability to stop something and move forward. It´s positive for her. It was heavy for me. But we are past that now I feel. I´ll be home soon and doing all the things that I do when I´m home. Like getting up with my daughter and letting my wife sleep an extra hour or so. We have an au pair coming in Jan to help out as well. Things will get better
You sound like you've got a handle on it and understand in some way inside where she's coming from, and I think that's very positive. I didn't mean to imply that you weren't being forthcoming, only that her reaction seemed SO strong, to be happening for no reason. I will tell you, I get many men (particularly lately for some reason) who ask me how to get their loved one to come back to them. They are all saying the same things, that they didn't make the right decisions, that they didn't listen when their wives talked, and that they thought that what they were doing is right.

Listen to what she's saying because she's telling you what she needs. No the world doesn't revolve around her needs alone, but she needs a voice and she needs to be heard and she needs some satisfaction and happiness in her life. If you always do it your way, then try it her way for once. Really listen when she talks and see if you can respect what she's saying and give it some merit. You love her for a reason, give her the credit that she deserves, maybe try things from a different point of view.

You sound like an open hearted intelligent man, and something tells me you're going to work this out, and all it takes is love and commitment and respect for the other person and above all, communication...listening as well as talking. I think you're right, things will get better. I'm always here if you need to talk. Feel free to request me by name anytime.

Warmly

Chase
Ms Chase
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
Thanks Chase. I think the road ahead can never be really predicted BUT I think I have come to learn that there are some things that I can do to make today different and that in and of itself changes everything.I once had a very nice guy tell me something that never really made sense to me until now. Changing your future will change your past. Yesterday has already happened but how it is interpreted ( just as you have interpreted the events of my recent past today), has changed what those events really mean. I really appreciate your help. The internet has never been so helpful. I will consult you further if need be.

Thank you again, Chase,
       ;                                         Kevin
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