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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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I live with my boyfriend and we have been dating for about

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I live with my boyfriend and we have been dating for about 3 years. In the past I have caught him flirting with other girls over the internet and it caused problems, and him being pissed that I invaded his privacy. We both said sorry and both never to do it again, because then theres no trust. I havnt looked at his stuff in over two years. Well, tonight i couldnt sleep and for some reason, i dont know, i looked at his text messages and saw him telling one of his old exes that he didnt have a gf and that he was flying home for xmas (where she is). Im not going with him. What should I do? Should i just come out and tell him i read it, ask around the problem and see if he admits theres a problem, ignore it? I know he's going to get pissed i read his texts ... i dont know what to do

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What are your ages?


-Has he cheated on you physically?


-Why aren't you going with him for Christmas?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

I'm 23 and hes 25

He has never cheated on my physicaly

Money is tight and I cant afford the ticket. His mom offered to pay for me but i felt bad. Now im thinking about accepting and going just because of this.


I just dont know how to handle this. I did invade his privacy by reading his text messages but he told an ex that hes single and coming home. Should i confront him? and if i should, then how? Or just ignore it?



Let me read your answers to your questions and I will be right back with you with my answer. Thank you ahead for your patience.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
alright, thanks. if you need any more information, please ask



Trust is the main factor that keeps a relationship healthy and stable and holds couples together. Trust provides a sense of safety and security in a relationship, when that trust breaks down, people feel insecure, and the trust that held the relationship together is now non existent and the relationship together begins to weaken. You are going to have to learn how to re-build that trust or else the relationship will not last. First you might want to take his mother up on that offer to pay for you, this way any plans he may have made with this girl he will not be able to keep remember you are trying to save your relationship. Do not tell him that you read his text right now have a nice Christmas with him and his family that way you might be able to get the reason he has to lie to you and go behind your back to talk to girls, maybe his father was the same way with his mother and he learned this from his father or maybe he didn't have a good relationship with his father or his father had promised him things and never followed through with them it could be little things like that, that has had an affect on him and the way he sees relationships.


After the trip you may want to talk to him about both of your trust issues and why you both feel the need to behave the way you do, you feeling the need to invade his privacy even though you saw that he was trying to hook up with a girl you didn't actually ask her to hook up with him, him liking attention from other girls even though he does not hook up with them physically there is an issue there if it bothers you that he does it you have to voice this to him. You're going to have to be honest about looking at his text messages that is why I said wait until after the holidays this way if you had fun and he saw that you got along with his family he might not be as mad. The fact is he has made you insecure the way he disregarded your feelings by talking and flirting with other females but that is all he did and until you get concrete proof that he has cheated then you are going to have to fight the urges you get to look at his private stuff he may just like the attention and want to feel as though he is attractive to other women still. When you get the urge to look at his things again think about how that will affect your relationship.


If he is going to cheat he will just go out and do it looking at his things is not going to keep him from cheating and it only makes your trust in him less and less and you want to rebuild trust not find things to break it down. Although want he is saying in the texts bother you it is his property and privacy and the old saying comes to mind "What you don't know won't hurt you!" It's when he changes his behavior and withdraws from you is when you should start worrying but if the relationship is good other than the text and online messages you have found more than likely he is jut trying to get attention and it's really nothing harmless. When you get the urge to look again keep telling yourself that he is here with you and isn't going anywhere but talk to him after the holidays and the text or on the way home from his parent's house talk to him. Tell him your insecurities and how you want to work on them and if worse comes to worse talk about couples counseling to help rebuild that trust and it could also help him to find out why he feels the need to get these other females attention.

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