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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I am a pansexual female who has never had a long-term relationship

Customer Question

I am a pansexual female who has never had a long-term relationship with a female before, and I am in love with my best female friend who identifies as queer. She has been my best friend since I moved here over a year ago, and I've wondered about her feelings towards me since then. I moved out of town temporarily for a job, for about 3 months, and I realized how much I cared for her, and about three months after coming home I told her how I felt. I didn't know how she was going to react, but I didn't expect her to react by not telling me a single thing about how she felt. She asked some follow-up questions the next day and when I told her I was struggling with not knowing what she is feeling, she said she needed time to process everything. It has been over 2 weeks, we've had some contact, and I have no idea what to do now. I think if she had no feelings she would have just said so. I also know that she has scars from past relationshps and has a lot of relationship fears. What do I do?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
What are your ages?

She does date women? and you date women?

Who initiated the contact that you did have?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
We are both 23, she dates women, I date men and women but have never had a serious relationship with a woman, and one of her questions to me after I told her how I felt was about whether I understood that dating a woman brings along different baggage. I think she was very suprised when I told her I had feelings for her because she has mentioned only seeing me have "relationships" with men. We have both initiated contact with one another. After she invited me to meet her one night and she acted as if I hadn't said anything, I expressed that I was really struggling with not knowing what was going on, and she said she has been trying to figure out what to say but that life has been busy. Contact has been minimal, especially in comparison to how often we were in contact previously.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Many gay women will look somewhat scornfully at women who date men, but claim to want to be with women. If she is strictly gay, she may not be willing to take the chance that you will decide to go back with a man the minute things go wrong. Its not easy to say what she's thinking, as I don't know her...even though you know her, you don't know for sure.

It's either one of two things. Either she isn't feeling for you 'like that', and she has no idea how you will react or how it will affect your friendship. I'm leaning towards that because you said you hung out and she never mentioned it, which tells me she was hoping you wouldn't mention it, and it could go away as well as the fact that you're saying that you haven't been in contact.

It's possible she could be involved with someone and can't work that out in her head right now.

Or as I said earlier, she's not able to trust that you really are ready to make that kind of commitment.

My suggestion would be to let her know that if she wants to just forget about it, then you are willing to do that....that's if you are capable of doing that. I understand you are saying you are in love with her, but if she doesn't feel the same way, it doesn't really make a difference, because a relationship or love cannot be built by one person alone. Sad and harsh but true. You have to decide whether or not you can remain friends with her if she rejects you as a potential partner, and go from there.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I know she is willing to date girls who aren't strictly lesbian, but having been her best friend through a number of relationships in which girls have used her, I knew there was a chance she might be apprehensive simply because of that. However, I think I am struggling with how she is responding because of the history of our friendship- how close we have been, how we have built a strong base of trust, how we have helped each other throught a lot. And I don't want to bore you with the history, but there are a lot of reasons for me to believe that she does have feelings for me, so that is part of why I am struggling with this as well.

I agree that it could be her not wanting to hurt my feelings or damage our friendship, but it is hard for me to believe this based on what I do know about her- I can't help but think that if she didn't have feelings she would have just said so. And the lack of contact is mostly because she said she needed time to process everything, and I have completely backed off and given her space to do so. I do know for a fact that she isn't involved with anyone.

I think I am really struggling with this because I just don't know how to proceed from here, after her telling me two different times that she needs time to process everything. I want to give her that time but I have been so miserable the last couple weeks, not knowing what she is feeling AND missing my best friend. If she doesn't have feelings for me, I will of course remain friends with her- she is too important in my life to just let go, but I am struggling with what to do from here that will respect her needs and also meet my own. If all of that makes sense...
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
It does make sense, and like I know her far better than I do. The problem is, if you feel you are in love with her, you actually cannot trust your instincts anymore as you will see things in a different light, sometimes more in your favor, sometimes less in your favor.

I understand the waiting is killing you, and in a sense, you can call her bluff as I said before and tell her that you apologize for throwing that on her at this time, and it's ok with you if she doesn't feel the same way, you just want to have the friendship you once had back.

This way it takes the pressure of you 'waiting' for an answer that she may not be willing to give right now, and it gives you the opportunity to physically be around her again 'as friends'. Hopefully being together and hanging out as friends will bring up those emotions for her again. The thing is, if you do that, I would absolutely advise against mentioning it unless she brings it up. Otherwise the whole thing will backfire and she will think you only did it to try and 'get with' her. You have to take the mentality that if it's meant to be, it will happen, now or later but it will happen, and be satisfied with that.

Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi Ms Chase,

I appreciate your response, and I will "agree" because I think it was thoughtful advice. I received a response from my friend earlier tonight- she is very interested, admitted to me that she has had feelings for a long time, and is worried/hesitant because we are both graduating and will have jobs elsewhere in the country as of the end of May and she doesn't want us to get into something if we are going to be on different sides of the country. We are going to meet in a couple days to discuss everything in person- I just thought you should know.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Thank you for getting back to me. I hadn't realized that you would be moving far apart from each other. That is a definite concern, but if the feelings are there it's not an impossible situation. I think it's amazing news that she has feelings for you, you must be very happy. I will keep you in my thoughts and if you want to talk again, you can ask for me directly by name