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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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i think i met my soul mate, but, he keeps lying about little

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i think i met my soul mate, but, he keeps lying about little things from his past relationship..still has pictures of his x who cheated on him...and is always trying to impress me with yet more lies. i have trust issues and have never really had a relationship where i felt someone trully loved me..other than with my kids. this guys pretty much moved in physically and is very close to my son and love ourtime together..but every other day he does something stupid, i get hurt and we have a little argument then make up, he always is appoligizing and has to change yet another "issue" with himself...but i still feel maybe he is lying to me. i am scared that he does not really love me and only wants to be with me because of my money. he did not get me anything but a card and rose at the last minute for my birthday...and when i brought it up..he was embarrassed and would not talk about it. he says he LOVES me loves me...he has never been married, but wants to marry me. he has women flirting..
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What are your ages?


-How long have you been dating him?


-How long ago did he move in?


-Why do you have trust issues is it from past relationships or family issues when you were a child?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

thanks so much.

i am 38 he is 43


we have been dating almost 5 months


4 months ago he moved in...he lives in another city 45 miles away and it is only 30 miles from his work..he works long hours as a store manager...i normally would not of agreed to this..


i have trust issues from child hood and was married to someone for 18 years tha ti did not love but we had children and i had to hang in there...finally left him 2.4 years ago he lied allot to me.


we met online...we first emailed , then talked..we would talk to all ours of the morning for 4 nights straight, we finally met..and i my heart melted..he was nervous too...felt like finally we met..soul mates and actually had physical attraction with him/vice versa..but, i could not have sex..i had just had sex for 4 weeks...i told him, for the next 2 to 3 weeks..we talked every night from ten to 2 or 3 in teh morning...


finally could have sex and everythign wonderful..but i have never been able to have orgasm..i know that bothers him, but he keeps trying. lol


i have never been in love and/or had a real relationship, my marriage was more or less a business deal adn for the kids.


i am afraid and i know tihs is clouding everything..i had a friend say be careful he could be with you cause of yoru money...and that has stuck in my head..even though he tells me how much he loves me...i know he does..but can not feel it.


he lied to me on how long he and his ex were together, he lied to me about him posting a picture on his profile of him and his ex..she cheated on him..and she is beautiful and use to be famous pop star in europe.


he still has a photo of them in his recylce bin on his laptop labeled my new is with him and her... he "accidently" showed me pictures on his computer of him and her.


he is always getting / ordering stuff for himself over the internet, exspensive toys. he said a week or so before my birthday how he was a great gift giver because he researches everything to make sure it is the best..i was excited by that and i know he could tell...the day of my birthday, all my friends were stopping by dropping off gifts...


he said he had to run to the store real quick right as we were leaving to have a bday dinner for me and wtih my kids...said he would b right back in 15 mins..he was gone almost an hour. i called him, he said he had to get some listerine from the store...he comes back 20 mins later wtih an odd vibe and hands me a card with a sweet note written on it and a rose..kisses me and goes to the other room.


on one of our first dates..he told me that he is not one of those guys who galks at other women...and guess what..he does nto galk, but he keeps looking and getting an eye full...trying to be discreet, i am right there wtih him.


i am always having to tell him something is hurtful and he is always appoligizing and saying how much he loves me.


the other day at breakfast, he acted wierd around our waitress, like trying to impress her over stupid coffee..he told her it was too weak...she said it was espresso...he gigled and said he was use to drinking eropean coffee..he was giddy like someone was tickling him..he has done that one other time when 2 real pretty young girls sat next to him at a sushi bar and the waiters were all tripping over themselves...i saw him sneak some sly peeks...and when one of the 2 of the sushi chefs said you are very pretty to the girls...My guy giggled and looked at them.

lastly..for the last 3 days he asks me questions like am i devoted to him..this after we both agreed we were only with each other...and asking m e if he is big enough sexually.


the other night i went and got ice to go down on him...i noticed he was not liking hit and was embarrassed..i am not very up to sex stuff/techniques but am trying to learn. so i told him i read it in a cosmo magazine...wanted to see /try it for him.


the next day he asks me how long i have been reading them, i said i dont subscribe but everynow en then read one. then he said..did you try those things with all your other men you have been with? i thinking um no...and start wondering if he is worried i am like his ex.

and also in that same conversation , he has asked me this a couple of other times..."am i big enough for you?"

i tell him it feels wonderful...but he keeps asking.


in one part he acts like he is insecure and then on the other is conceeded. he has women looking at him all the never bothered me until i saw him looking back at one yesterday and she kept right on even after i gave her a dirty look. i hope is is just trying to make me jealous and see that he is desirable and not a cheater.


the "habit" we are faling into is...him doing something that i percieve as hurtful..i am too shy to say anything till it really bothers me...then he asked whats wrong, i tip toe around it...then he gets angry and acts like this is it...then calls back and appoligizes and says how much he needs me..would die for me and loves me. the times that i did try to say something he gets defensive... like with my birthday...he had hinted like a week after ward to keep an eye out for something special for me in the mail...turns out it was for him... i brought it up jokingly and he said dont go there and was very embarrassed and defensive.


i want him to be the one...i am ready to be married again..although his actions have me concerned i wish i had a majic ball to look into... know that he is with me because he loves me...not for money.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


It's hard to trust after you have spent so many years living a lie and trying to convince yourself that something is there even though it isn't. Trust is the most important part of any relationship even before communication because if you do not trust someone how can you possibly communicate with them. Trust involves many parts of a healthy relationship, respect and consideration for another person, communication, commitment and honesty. Without trust you don't have much of a relationship but it's not too late to regain that trust through honesty and total communication. He is going to have to learn to tell the truth even if it hurts you to do so, trust is critical to any relationship, whether it's relationships, marriage, family or friendships.


First he must admit his mistakes, if it was his lying, or mistreating you, or not fulfilling a promise. He has to want to change not just for you but for himself to make him a better person that can be trusted and relied on. You may have moved him in way before you were ready to and you didn't know him very well and the type of person he is. Communication is key here so that he knows that you are not please with his actions. It's seems as though he is very used to liking to make himself look or seems better than he really is that is part of the problem with internet dating the person can make themselves be something they are not so that they look better in the eyes of the person they are interested in this seems to be the case in situation. You need to tell him that this bothers you. We all wish we had a crystal ball to tell what type of person we are getting involved with but it's not that easy that is why we rely on the other person to tell us the truth.


If you do not feel that he isn't giving you the attention you deserve you are going to have to tell him that in order for him to be able to get the chance to change, it may just be common place for him to lie and not live up to expectations and this may need to be address and maybe he could seek some counseling to find out why he does this and find ways in which to be himself without making up a fantasy man that he thinks you maybe want him to be but really all you want is for him to be honest with you.

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