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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Is my finance gay

Customer Question

I am a 26-year-old woman who recently heard from a friend that my fiance has had sex with a man on more than one occasion. When I confronted him about this, he said it was all in the past and didn't matter, and that he knows he's straight now and loves me. He has many feminine qualities and describes himself as "androgynous". I heard that he questioned his sexuality for about 5 years (He is 26 now as well.) I thought we had a great relationship, he's very caring and sweet, but now everything is suspect to me. He had only had sex with one woman one other time, but told me this was due to "social reasons" and quoted "Brave New World" saying he didn't like the idea casual sex. He has been dating women since he was 16, but none of those relationships lasted longer than 3-4 weeks when he would break up with them. He often would make out with me in front of friends and family, I thought because he was so into me, but now I'm not sure. What should I do?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Rachel

How long have you been with him now?

How is your sex life?

Can you define 'make out'? kissing, hugging, more than that?

Has he said how many men he slept with? How did he meet them?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thank you for your quick reply Chase,

I have been with him for over a year now, nine months dating and now we've been engaged for about 4 months.

Ou sex life in not too bad, We sleep together about once a week or once every other week. We have taken trips together and have sex then. There have been performance problems, but he likes to drink when we go out, so I always attributed this definicency to alcohol. He does seem to be able to perform better during oral sex.

When I say "make out" I mean kissing in public places. There have been times when he has purposely kissed me in front a camera and his friend later posted the pictures on facebook. Sometimes I do feel uncomfortable, especially since his younger sister and cousins sometimes come with us to bars and parties.

As far as I know, he slept with one man, an openly gay co-worker. He admitted to kissing this man on many occasions and then having sex with him two seperate times before breaking it off.

Much of this information I received second-hand through a different co-worker of his.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hi Rachel, thank you for that additional info, I'm typing an answer out now, give me a few minutes
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hi Rachel,

This is a tough situation. On one hand, if you ask most men they will say that if a man sleeps with another man, even ONE time, then he is gay, because no straight man would have sex with another man.

Others will say that there is such a thing as a bisexual man, and that even if he's never with another man his entire life, he would still be considered bisexual.

The questions you'll need to ask him if he thinks he will ever sleep with another man again, and/or if he is attracted to men. It's my personal opinion that if he's done it once there's always a possibility that he will do it again. The hardest issue is that you not only have to think about your man sleeping with other women, but men are a threat too. That's a lot to deal with. What about the androgyny? will he eventually want to explore that further? dressing as a woman? It's important to know all of these things, especially if you plan on having children.

You're right that he could be overcompensating for friends and family, or that could just be his personality. I'm sure that it's possible he loves you and wants to marry you, but the question would be does he love you enough to not deal with men ever again.

This is all predicated on the fact that you wouldn't want him to. Some women are ok with there men/husbands sleeping with others, men or women. Some even use it to enhance their sex life.

Ultimately, if what you're looking for a man, who is not 'androgynous', not interested in men, then this may not be the guy for you.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more


Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Thank you fo your advice. I truly don't know what to do. I just feel so betrayed! He didn't tell me any of this information before we got engaged. And I now I feel like I'm too far in to back out.

I am definitely not ok with him sleeping with other people once we are married. And I want him to be attracted to me, not to men. I suppose I will need to talk to him more and hope that he answers me honestly. I admit I have been too afraid to "rock the boat" and risk losing him to really dig into this issue with him. I am considering pre-marital counseling.

Thanks again,
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Rachel are never too far in to back out. You're first obligation is to yourself and you have to protect yourself at all cost. If you walked away at this moment, no one could blame you. You should have known about this from the that you know, you have to assess the entire situation as well as think about your future.

Communicating with your partner should never-ever be considered 'rocking the boat', and if you don't want to communicate out of fear of losing someone, then there might be some personal issues you need to address. There shouldn't ever be a subject you cannot discuss with your partner....especially if you are considering marrying them. You have to be able to talk about everything, even the stuff that makes you uncomfortable, or hurts you.

I'm always here if you want to talk more.


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