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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My husband of 17 years is texting/ calling an old friend, who

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My husband of 17 years is texting/ calling an old friend, who lives in another city, excessively. I have asked him to stop after I caught him trying to hide it from me. (signing out quickly, finding emails, etc.) He told me she needed a friend, he shared some problems we went through several years ago and it felt good to "let it go". He said I have nothing to worry about. Our marriage was going very well, until I found out about this. Now, after checing his phone records...he has been texting and calling her STILL! It has been like 130 time in the last 4 days, 30 min. phone calls... Do I confront him with the snooping (he hates that). He says he does not snoop on me (no reason to). He says there are problems at work and he can share them with her. UGH! I am at a loss. He does this ALL the time!
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hi Pak,

You said he does this all the time? Has he done this with other women?

Did he say why he felt the need to share your marital problems with his ex?

After being married 17 yrs, why shouldn't you snoop?

Have you been able to read the texts?

How is your relationship otherwise?

Has he ever cheated? have you?

What are your ages?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Yes, he has done this with other women. It seems to be a cycle. He likes the newness of it, they become overly clingy or I slam my foot down and It ends. He stops for a few months and it starts again. He claims that he's just easy to talk to.


She was not an ex. Just someone he knew in h.s. He did not want to upset me by bringing up the past.


I feel guilty snooping. I feel dirty. I do not like how it hurts afterwords in my heart. It consumes me.


No, I have not been able to read the texts, he deletes all of them.


If I had not caught him or saw the bill, I would not have a clue. We are getting along beautifully. We are buying a piece of property for retreat. We are buying a new car for me. We are going on a family retreat this weekend.


He had an emotional affair 6 years ago. He would not call it that, but I will. He messed around with a 20 year old last Halloween in a drunken stupor in front of me. I have never cheated.


I am 37 and he is 40.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
The problem with his texting and talking behind your back is that it easily leads to actual cheating. If he cannot control himself when it comes to that, how can he control himself when things start to get deeper? And why lie about it? He says he didn't want to 'upset' you, but if he didn't feel he was doing something wrong, then he wouldn't worry about you being upset.

You've been married to this man for 17 years, there is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty for snooping! That's your right. You have every right to protect and secure your relationship. If he didn't misbehave, you would have no reason to snoop. If he says that he doesn't snoop on you, so what?! You've never given him a reason to snoop.

The fact that you get along so well, may mean that he's just looking for attention. My suggestion is couples therapy. You'll need to figure out what he finds in these women that he's not finding in you. Therapy can help you get to the bottom of thins as well as help him to develop coping skills. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

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