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Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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My married man boyfriend told me recently, why cant you

Customer Question

My married man "boyfriend" told me recently, "why can't you be fat and ugly?" Because carrying out this affair is not easy (and, yes, I am ashamed), that sounds like he does not like me for me, but for my looks and shape. If I were fat and ugly, he could easily dump me. His wife has not had sex with him since their 37! year old daughter was born. He had trouble with that for 10 years, then resolved it was not going to happen then poured himself into his work and became very successful. The wife lavishes in all the luxury one could imagine. She does not work, just shops and travels. Recently, I mentioned that his physical relationship with her was not the "norm." They may be older now 60s, but especially when they were in their 20s and 30s. And, even in their 60s, if it not a common lifestyle, why all the
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



It looks like your question was cut off.........would you like to continue?


Also can you answer the following questions.


How long have you been seeing him?


How does he treat you?


Is this only a sexual relationship or do you do other things together?


Does he wish to leave his wife for you?


Do you want him to?



Customer: replied 8 years ago.

It looks like your question was cut off.........would you like to continue? I DID ON THE EXTRA PART THAT WAS ON THE ASK A QUESTION (UNDER AGE AND STATE AND WHAT HAVE YOU TRIED SO FAR)

Also can you answer the following questions.

How long have you been seeing him? 15 months

How does he treat you? At his convenience and I am back burner to not just family but colleagues. I know I should let go, but am having trouble because he keeps reeling me in.

Is this only a sexual relationship or do you do other things together? He likes to talk to me and be with me, but I feel he only goes through those motions for sex. For me it is a very emotional relationship.

Does he wish to leave his wife for you? No.

Do you want him to? Yes, but it is actually that I want somebody. I know I sound desperate, but I am a product of childhood abandonment which has followed me for 46 years. I had one 20-year relationship where I was treated like a princess. And, he was married. He did leave his wife for a while (6 years) but them I met another man and the 20 year guy went back to his wife. He continued to treat me like a princess even so. I know a part of this is I am seeking that again. But, I want to keep this on the question of wifely duties. Is my girlfriendly duty to be thin and pretty? Sounds like if fat and ugly, I would be failing and he would throw me away.

Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



Since you want to keep this on target of wifely duties........the fact is you are not his wife and thus have no duties for him.


Now with that being it is not your duty to be thin and pretty nor is it any womens duty to be what her husband wants. A women is who she is and a man is either attracted to that or he isn't. When he says things like he said basically he is making the statement that it would be easier to end the relationship if he was not attracted to you. Does this mean he has no feelings other then sexual? simply means that he knows what he is doing is wrong, he knows he should end it but he finds himself attracted to you and wants you in a physical way.


You say he does not want to leave his wife, sounds like he loves his wife or simply loves the convince of his wife and wishes he had what he has with you in her. Is his marriage Though what is normal for one couple may be preposterous for another. If he was truly unhappy he would have left. I am not saying he is lying but the reality is he is being untruthful with his why would you trust that he is being truthful with you?


While in a perfect world he would walk away from her and be with you the reality is he wants to be with his wife and it is unlikely he will ever leave her for you. More often then not when a man leaves his wife for the mistress he tends to end up resenting the new women and often cheats on her out of anger for what has happened. Forcing him to choose is not going to turn out well regardless of what he chooses.


I am going to skip the lecture as you are smart enough to know what you are doing is wrong. I do not like to use the word Karma but think about are having a affair with another womens husband and hoping for your own miracle. Taking someones husband is not the answer. I know it is not easy to find true love......but you will never find it with a married man. What you had before can never be recreated no matter how hard you try.


I would suggest letting him know that it is obvious that he really does not want to be in this relationship and instead of wishing for you to grow fat and ugly you will give him a out by leaving. Then do so. If he really loves you and wants to be with you then he will do so by leaving his wife. Otherwise it is time to move on.