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Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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because of my dad affair my mom got me married of early.i am

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because of my dad affair my mom got me married of early.i am a very ambitious girl who wanted to study and make a big time career, i wanted to be a doctor.i got married last year on the 1st of may'07.i knew the guy i was going to get married and my in-laws were ok with me getting married and then continuing my studies, so i was really happy with the fact that what i could not do at my moms place i can achieve at my in-laws place, i got married happily,but soon things changed and my in-laws didnt want me to study and start a career,my mom in law kept harrassing me every day. somehow i managed to get a software testing course done and by gods grace i got a job as a software testing engineer in a very good software company.During all this time my husband never said or did anything for my.My physical realtion with my husband was bad, we used to come close once in a month, during this course i met a guy at my office and started loving him.i dont know what to do husband knows abt him



I would love to talk with you about your situation today. Can you answer a few questions so I can better understand your situation.


Are there any children from your marriage?


When you say you "come close" once a month are you talking about intimate?


How is your marriage?


Do you live with your in laws?


Do you love your husband and do you feel he loves you?


Are you willing to work on your marriage or are you simply ready to go?



Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hi Walter, we dont have any children. when i say come close means physically intimate, my husband & i have always been more of friends, just living with each other. yes my in laws live with me. i dont love my husband i just care for him as a friend. i dont know if i should work on my marriage, coz my husband has come to know abt my realtionship with the other guy and is fine with me going with him, he was willing to give me a divorce so that i settle with the other guy, but now the other guy says that he cant marry me. he says he loves me but cant marry me bcoz of his family. what should i do.?im in a real mess. i just dont know what to do? i just feel i hav lost everything in life.



What does his family have to do with him marrying you? That is something you need to determine soon. The fact is it sounds like neither you or your husband are in love and really do not want to stay married. If your husband is OK with the affair and has even offered a divorce so you can be with this other man it sounds like your marriage is either over or never really was a true marriage in the first place.


It sounds like the fellow at work is enjoying having you with no real responsibility to you which is not a relationship. Right now you have a very full plate and need to concentrate on what you want out of life before you decide about this new man or any other man for that matter.


The reality is you made vows with your husband and these should not be taXXXXX XXXXXghtly. If you both are unhappy and do not wish to be married then deal with that right now and wait on the other fellow. Your marriage should not hinge on what the new guy decides.


Its time to sit down with your husband and decide where to go from here. If you both want out then sit down and make a plan to end the marriage. If you both want to give it another go then both of you are going to have to work this out. No one can live on a marriage that is built such as yours without problems. If you want to be together then you should be together more then once a month in a marital sense.


Once you decide what you both want then go forth with your choices. You do not have to marry this new guy just because you love him. Marriage should come when both parities are ready for it. That may mean that you get a apartment or home of your own and date the new guy for a while or it may mean that you branch out and meet new people. But you can not continue the way things are as it is not fair to you or your husband.


The last thing you want to do is fall into another loveless marriage. Take you time, get to know yourself and what you want and need out of a partner and when you have found this person (wither it is the new guy or a different guy) then decide on marriage. Right now is not the time to make big decisions about marriage while you are still married.



Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hi walter, if i want to work on my marriage what should i do? how should i rebuilt on the trust that i have lost. i in the true sense dont want to be with my husband because i always fear that this episode of the other guy will create a problem, i mean i feel like by forgiving me my husband is doing a favour and he might get this topic out later in life. the other thing is if i leave my husband now where should i go? being it the other guy bcoz of him im not able to work and if i leave my job i will lose on royally coz to get another job is really difficult, to get a transfer or change my job it will take time, so what do u think i should do?



I know everything seems difficult and you are not sure where to go from here......but the reality is this is quite simple. Your fears and feelings are crowding you and making it hard to see the path that you want to be on.


If you truly want to be with your husband then it will take work. As far as your fears he will bring this up later on the fact is this could happen. But if you and your husband are committed to making this work and you handle it correctly your fears are less likely to become reality.


Your first step is to sit down with your husband. Let him know that you love him and want to be with him. Let him know what you want out of your marriage and what you want out of him as a partner. Let him know you made a mistake but that you do not want that mistake to ruin your marriage. Ask him for marriage counseling. While it may seem that this is not fun the reality is a counselor not only can help you both get over this indiscretion he/she can also teach both of you how to communicate better and how to get your marriage back on track as far as sex and communication.


Take it one day at a time.......your husband is not going to learn to trust you again overnight. But if you work with it and stay faithful he will eventually learn to trust you again.


Your relationship with the other fellow must end. Your comment I would not be able to work do not have to do true. Just because you are not with the fellow does not mean you have to give up your job. Simply let him know that the relationship is over and you would rather not speak with him on any matters other then work. File for your transfer and wait it out. Be firm, do not allow yourself to fall back into a relationship with him. The easiest way to do this is do not be alone with him and do not discuss anything other then work related conversations. Be firm with yourself, let him know if he tries to flirt or get back with you that it is over and if he continues to harass you on it you will talk to the boss.


Life is not always easy and we all make mistakes........if you want to be with your husband then now is the time to get to work on your marriage.



Customer: replied 8 years ago.

pl tell me what i should do to forget the other person in my life, its really hard for me to do this, i really loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. even when he has done all the bad by rejecting me i still love him alot and cant stop thinking of him. the only reason i feel i want to get back to my husband is because i have no where to go. its beacuse of the lack of love between us and the problem with my in-laws. i got into a relationship with the other guy. i always used to tell my husband that i am not able to live with his parents i used to cry for help as it was difficult for me to stay in the house but he never really did anything for me. i have cried almost everyday from the very next day of my marriage coz i got real bad treatment from every1 at my in laws place. but my husband failed to understand me and he never really cared, this is how when i was lonely and disturbed i got into a realtionship with the guy in my office just 4 months after my marriage. i became so close to this other guy that i was living with him thinking he is my husband. on the other hand i really dont understand my husband so easily he tells me if u want a divorce he will give it and if i want to be with him he is ready for that also. u tell me what conclusion should i draw from this abt my husband, does he really love me, if yes then how is he ok with whatever im doing. dont u think im in a real mess. i sometimes feel like ending my life for the mess i have go into.



Ending your life is never the answer.............yes what you are going though is painful, but like all things in life it shall pass. Ending your life ends everything....there is no tomorrow or future. Think of the past and find something that caused you great pain as a child. Think about how hard that was......its over now and the pain ended did it not? This will as well. Taking your life ends it........but it also ends you so I really hope you are not serious. If you are please do yourself a favor and call 1-800-SUICIDE They can help you with your feelings right now.


As for your husband and how he feels about you.........if he did not care for you he would simply put a end to it and find someone new to love. He is offering you your choice, if you want to leave you may do so if not you may stay and work it out. Thats pretty reasonable I would say........most men would be quite angry with what you have done. It sounds like you have a fair minded husband.


You did not elaborate about why you cry during your marriage so I can only assume it was from unhappiness. Life is what we make it.........we can accept things as they are or we can change it. If you want to change what makes you unhappy then you must accept that there are problems and decide what you want out of life.


Staying with your husband simply because you have no where to go is not fair to either one of you. You must decide what you for the other man sadly love is a two way street. You can love him with everything in you yet you can not force him to be with you. You simply must accept he is what he is and move on. Forgetting him is not as easy as you want it to be........I really wish I had some magic words that would wipe your past from your memory but that simply is not the case. Forgetting something or someone you love is not the answer........the answer is looking at who he is and knowing that this is not the person you really want to be with. Do you want to be with someone who disregards XXXXX XXXXX and needs? You know the answer is no.......focus on that instead of what you once had. The more you focus on him not being prince charming the quicker your heart will heal. It will take time.......but you can do this.


If it is going to be to painful then maybe you should ask for a leave from work. Explain to your boss that you are having some family and personal problems and ask for a leave.


As for your husband, if you really do not wish to make this work then it is unfair to stay. Life is full of choices.........yes it can be scary but there are many paths you can take right now and YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH to take these new paths.


Do you want to be on your own for a while? If so talk to your husband, maybe you can take the time to save up enough to get a small apartment you can afford. He may be willing to help you do so as well. The fact is sometimes we meet a lot of wrong loves until the right one comes along. Though you have to take care of you right now....there are programs out there that can assist you as well. There are apartments made for low income people if you do not make a large amount of money. You may also be entitled to some support from the divorce or if you and your husband have any money saved up you may be entitled to some of that as well as other assets from the marriage.


It sounds like you need to sit down and think about what you really want. Try not to see yourself as trapped.........there is a big world out there to be a part of. You do not have to have a man in order to survive. With hard work and dedication you can take care of yourself until you find someone you can really love.



Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hi Walter, should i tell my husband that i shared a physical relationship with this guy coz he really feels that i was there with this guy just with an emotional attachment.

i know what ur saying abt the other guy is right...i cant force him to be with me, no matter how much i love him. is it easy to start loving someone and if i have to develop feelings towards my husband what should i do? how should i go abt the whole thing?

will it be fine if i take a divorce and somehow stay with my parents, right now not think abt anyone in life accept myself, understand my self better and really work hard to grow in my career and then when i really meet someone and feel like i can spend the rest of my life with him i should think of marraige? coz i really feel like even though my husband seems to be a fair minded guy i really never felt for him and it was just an adjustment in life, i dont want to again make any mistake in life. when i think of being alone in life i feel better even though the society and my parents will not like it.



What society and everyone else thinks matter very have to do what is right for you. Yes moving in with your parents is fine. You can handle it the way that works best for you. Your parents love you, while they may not be thrilled with what happened in your marriage try to sit down and be honest with them. Let them know how you felt and what was going on and what you want to do to change it.


As far as your husband, that is your choice. I always advocate honesty even when it hurts. Though you know in the end what is best. As far as can not force yourself to love your husband. If you work it out and feelings develop great. But you can not force it.


If you do not want to be with him.....then you must deal with that. Staying where you are unhappy is not going to make things better over time. Move in with your parents if that is what you want.........but do not allow them to talk you into another marriage. If they want to fix you up with someone that is fine....but take it slow. You know what love feels like already so wait for it. Do not jump into a marriage just because it fits in with your life. Wait until you know the man and he knows you. Give time for both of you to get to know each other and develop not only love but trust, understanding and a friendship. If you can not be friends with your lover then it seldom will work.



Customer: replied 8 years ago.

the other guy in my life says that if he gets me into his life things will get worse, as in maybe i will have to go through the same thing & same problems i went through & faced with my in-laws. he says even if he takes me away somewhere how long will we be able to stay away from family, he says that if my husband is accepting me even after all this then i should stay and work things out to save my marriage rather than ruining things by leaving my husband and going into his life, coz once i leave my husband & get married to him even my parents might get me wrong and eventually we will not be happy even if we love each other very much. he says he loves me and he has taken this decision so that every one's life will become better with time.he says there are already many problems in his life at his home and gettiing me into his life will increase problems for me. i asked him y did'nt he explain to me all this before he says that he knew i was upset with life and i had no one so he feared that even if he goes away from my life i might do something wrong so he was holding on. he says that after some time maybe years i will call up and tell him that he took a right decision of not marrying me and sending me back to my husband. i dont agree to his talks and i am very upset and angry with whatever he is doing with me . u pl tell me is he right and justified with his talks?



It sounds like he is trying to tell you that he does not want a relationship with you and he is trying to break it off before you leave your husband. He is not a very responsible guy and as much as I hate to say this it sounds like he was trying to use you. Sometimes men can be put what they want ahead of other peoples feelings and he sounds like the type.


What he did was wrong.......but there isn't any thing you can do about it other then let him go and recognize that he was not a good man. He is looking for any excuse to get out of this and he is using his family as his excuse. To be honest he is not the type of man you want to be with.


Try looking at this for what it is. You had a affair and he was not a stand up kind of guy. You are far better off learning this now then later on down the road. You will have to take a lesson from it and learn to be careful who you invest your feelings in the future.


As far as your husband only you can decide if you want to try again or move on.



Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hi Walter, thanks alot for ur advice and guidance, it felt really good talking to u. u have made me realize the mistakes of life and finally i want to rectify all the wrong that happened due to circumstances. i will work on my marriage and try every possible way to make a good life with my husband. i will be happy eventually as time passes. i have realized that it is really my husband who truly loves me and even he wants to work on our marriage and wants to see me happy. for the 1st time i spoke to him abt everything and i confessed everything to him. he says he wants to forget the past and whatever happiness and love he did not give me he said he will do now onwards.

i really want to thank u for everything. after months long i have felt good today, its all because of u, may god bless u and give u all the happiness and success in the world.

Thanks alot once againSmile

I am glad to hear that your husband is willing to work on this with you, and you are very welcome. If you need anything please do not hesitate to request me. If you are pleased with my answer please do not forget to click the accept button.



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