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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I want to know if I was in an emotionally abusive relationsh

Customer Question

I want to know if I was in an emotionally abusive relationship? My boyfriend became my boyfriend almost immediately after he met me. He bought me expensive gifts and said I was the love of his life. Then later I noticed he got angered very easily and i fought back and we argued all the time. Later on, I tried to break up with him to stop him from getting so mad at me all the time. He would throw my faults to my face and just insult me. I tried to break up with him and he cried and threatened suicide. Then finally I became submissive and stopped fighting back because I thought I loved him. I tried hard not to upset him all the time. Finally one day he just told me he needed a break. Is it still abusive if he broke up with me?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello silky,

How long were you together?

Are you still together? if not how long has it been since you parted?

What are your ages?

How did you meet?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
6 months, we are not together, we broke up, its been two weeks. we are both 22 and we met through a mutual friend.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Silky,

Thanks for the additional information. One thing to remember and try to follow is to give ample time when you meet someone to get to know them before getting involved with them. When you meet someone, your goal should be how to get to know as much about them BEFORE getting involved with them. Ask about their relationships with family, friends, other women, what they do for work/play, what they want to do with their life and what they want out of their future. Its important to know whether or not you share common interests or goals. Sex is something that shouldn't enter the picture for weeks, even months and if they can't handle that, then they are not interested in a real relationship.

As for whether or not he was abusive, I would say that a good sign of an unhealthy person is someone who after a short period of time is saying that they love you or that you are the love of their life. How can that be when you know that this person doesn't really know you? Expensive gifts can be manipulative if the person thinks that you should act or think a certain way because they bought you the gifts.

Someone who gets angered easily is someone you have to be careful about because you can never know what their limits are, or if things get worse, how fast/far it can escalate. Anyone who will point out your faults or insult you, is not someone who cares about you, even if they claim otherwise. There is such a thing as fighting fair, and having respect for someone even when you are angry. Crying from a man especially in such a short relationship is just not normal, if anything its manipulative. Threats of suicide are extremely manipulative and do fall under emotional abuse. You're giving in and then him walking away sounds like he was playing games. He sounds like a sick person that likes to manipulate people to see just how much he can get away with. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks so much, your answer really helped me. I just feel so guilty because in the end what he said he wanted was a break and then I just told him i wanted to break up. He then responded by telling me that he was sorry I was giving up on our love and that he was mistreated and that I was too immature. He said he would not take responsibility for the failure of our relationship. He was always accusing me of flirting with other guys too and then said it was joking. I tried to break up with him like five times but then always got back with him. I don't know if I used that tactic to prevent him from getting so mad at me. He was always calling me selfish and that always set me off with him until the end where I tried to placate him as much as possible. Once he told me that I was lucky I had him because any other guy would have left awhile ago. He knew I had low self esteem and I think he used that against me. I just feel like my personality caused him to lose interest in me and I just feel like I lost the only guy who would ever love me. He could be incredibly sweet sometimes, but whenever I cried at the end he would just call me dramatic. He said I pouted when I didn't get my way and that he was tired of it. I just pouted when I felt he didn't treat me right. I don't know if I was overly sensitive or clingy. I am just left feeling so confused. By the way, after we broke up he called me two days later saying he had a car accident and was hurt but I just ignored the call. Do you think this was my fault? He always said we were soulmates and that he could not live without me but apparently now he is doing great since he has not contacted me since.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
I think you'll find that there are always two sides to every story, and then there's the truth. Additionally, each person in a relationship, sees things from their unique perspective. So what you thought was a good way to stop him from being mad at you, could have been perceived as childish or selfish by him. Ask yourself, were you flirting with other guys? If not, then you know it was his issue.

As for you being lucky to have him, don't pay attention to that crap. That's just a man's was of keeping himself on your mind and doing a psych job on you. You are lucky when you have a man who loves and respects you. A man that listens to what you say instead of always thinking he's right. Who brings something into your life instead of simply taking out of your life. Someone who is happy, works, takes care of business, makes you feel good and above all, would never want to hurt you in any way. Thats when you are lucky. Remember, that man would never tell you that YOU are lucky to have HIM, but that HE is lucky to have YOU! Remember that.

Low self esteem simply means you are not living up to your potential. You are a smart woman, and I'm sure you could do anything you put your mind to. No man can set your limits or use anything against you unless you allow them to. Believe me when I tell you, no matter what your esteem problems, there is someone out there who is willing to love you like you need to be loved, but it wont make a difference if you don't learn to love yourself.

Do keep in mind that pouting, crying and being dramatic are childish tactics. As a full grown woman, if you use these tactics, you are going to attract a childish man. A grown woman knows how to express what she wants and realizes that she can get whatever she wants and need not depend on a man getting it for her. Because he threatened suicide, I believe the car accident call was probably untrue and just another tactic to get your attention.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks but I do have to clarify something. He would start arguments with me about absolutely stupid stuff (if i forgot to call him whenever I leave the house), wearing a skirt, having some guy call me hot, etc. I have never flirted with any guy. I am extremely shy and at 22 years old this was my first boyfriend. He would call me selfish during these arguments not for the whole breaking up with him thing. I wanted to break up with him because I felt really hurt by his words, but he always begged and said sorry and I took him back. As for the pouting, crying, drama, I honestly don't consider myself that way. In the beginning, I always stood up for myself and honestly told him off when he hurt me. He would fight back and call me selfish and later apologize and give me flowers. Later, when I became submissive and wanted to avoid fights, I cried because I had no other way of expressing my feelings to him and even that way he called me dramatic. I don't think I pouted, even though that's what he called it. Whenever he would get angry with me (for not following instructions, or sitting in the wrong seat on an airplane, or can't decide whether or not i wanted the AC on or off or if i was debating between turkey/tuna sandwich, etc). I would put on a serious face denoting that I was upset for the way he lashed out at me and he would dismiss that as pouting and drama and then he would get upset and leave me alone. So there was no way I could communicate with him at all. If I got upset and defended myself, I was selfish and had to win the argument and if I cried or showed any semblance of being hurt I was dramatic. In the end, I just had no idea how to make him happy. Maybe you would get a different story from him but that's honestly how things were for me. You don't think I lost the love of my life because of my personality do you? Honestly, I think I know he wasen't the best guy for me, but with all his promises of love I thought I fell in love with him and now that he left me I feel empty and confused.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

I didn't mean to imply that you were doing these things, I only talk to you about what you tell me. I don't know you personally, so I can only comment on what you tell me and go from there. I'm not here to judge you, but to help you think about things maybe differently than you may have thought about it before. Be sure to go back up and read what I said about a man who cares about you. The next guy you meet, if he doesn't act like that, then run as fast as you can.

It sounds like you definitely know that he was no good for you. He sounds like he's very adept at controlling things and getting his way. That's not love, thats selfishness. Love is when you can communicate without fear of retaliation. There's a quote that originally came from Corinthians in the bible, but a lot of people have used it and worded it different ways, it goes

Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.
Love never fails.

Perhaps because you got involved in relationships late, you don't really know what to expect from a relationship and possibly may not know a good one from a bad one. Thats why from now on, when you meet someone, don't get too involved with them at first. Get to know them, what they want out of life, their future, school, work, etc. See if you have the same things in common, the same hopes and dreams. If he acts foolish or in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, then leave the situation as soon as possible. Do not get sexually involved until you are totally comfortable, it's best to wait 4 weeks to 4 months if possible. Take as long as you need to get to know them before agreeing to be their 'girlfriend' or to take the friendship to another level.

I don't think you lost this relationship because of your personality, and I don't think anything you could have done would have made him happy. Just because someone promises to love you doesn't mean they do or will. I know you feel empty and confused right now, but that only means that you need to concentrate on doing more for yourself. Keep busy so you won't/don't think about it. Don't feel empty, you're smart, and a beautiful person....don't feel confused because in your heart, you know that you did the right thing.

I'm always here if you want to talk. Feel free to request me by name

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hi Ms. Chase,
Thank you so much. Your words really helped me. I just was left feeling so guilty but you are right. I know I need to concentrate on my life right now. Thanks again.