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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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what can i do to find out if my ex would still consider getting

Customer Question

what can i do to find out if my ex would still consider getting back with me and realise that i love him without putting any pressure on him?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What are you ages?


-Why did you break up?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

hi there.

many thanks. he's 34, i'm 34. we were together for 3 years before he broke up with me. he started withdrawing and was not good at talking about his feelings. it drove me crazy towards the end so i asked him to make his mind up. he is very sensitive and i think he thought i might not care because i put pressure on him even if i always told him i love him. i'm his first long term relationship apart from one that was 9 months. i've made up exuses to meet him (we've no been apart for one year) and whenever we meet we have a great time. the last time was only one week ago. we had to exchange some more things but we were both happy to see each other. i've always acted happy when we met and for his birthday i sent him a card that i miss him. there is something between us but he's holding back. he's starsign cancer, very sensitive and i have hurt him in the past without wanting to (only small things) and he is afraid of rejection. i'm scared to talk about how i feel because i might scare him away. i feel he needs reassurence but i don't know what more to say. and i don't know if it is all facade but the last time i got the feeling....if we get on this well and he is hardly ever in touch (not really actively trying to be my friend)....he MUST miss me.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


It's important for you to tell him your feelings before it's too late and he finds someone else. I understand you being afraid that it will backfire and he will get scared and push him further away but you can not keep going on the way the two of you are if you want something more, you have to make your move now. Don't think negatively about it or it will only keep you from following your heart. If you are too afraid to tell him face to face write him a letter telling him everything that you miss about him and apologize for the way that you took the relationship for granted. He will appreciate that you are being honest with him about your feelings and ask him if the two of you can meet for lunch or dinner and talk about things and is it possible for the two of you to give it one more try. You really have nothing to lose because you aren't together now and haven't been for a one year.


This way you will either get another chance or get your closure and be able to move on if that is what you have to do. It's better to know for sure than to keep wondering that can be frustrating. Allow him some time to think about everything you wrote in the letter and then give him a call and ask him what he thought about your letter and if he is willing to at least talk about it. If he isn't willing to give the relationship another try then you have to work towards getting closure and being able to move on.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Thank you for your reply. The main thing is that I cannot squeeze anything out of this guy that needs a definite answer because he would say no. that is why he left in the first place. i never took the relationship for granted either. i am trying to understand why he is always so happy to see me. makes compliments. tells me it's nice to see me and then is never in touch. as if he loves me but doesn't want to be with me. or too proud to ask living in the past thinking that it can't work because it failed the first time. or maybe he's just being polite. after all i'm doing the same thing. pretending to be happy and in a good mood although i am miserable and miss him after the meeting.

in my letter in july i told him that i miss him in my life....i got nothing much back apart from a thank you. so i thought...let's forget about it....but then he got in touch a month later and wanted to know how i am. i don't think a letter will give me any answers and if i put him on the spot he will go quiet and feel unconfortable and say either no (because it's safer) or nothing. i wonder if he will come back if i just disappear?

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


It could be the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder that may be why he is so happy to see you when the two of you do get together. If you can not ask him because he will only clam up or shut down and if you have already written him a letter with no real response then maybe you should talk to one of his friends and see where his head has been lately, ask them if they think you have a chance of getting him back you may need some help with how he is feeling unless he doesn't talk to his friends about his life either. If he doesn't answer you when you ask and doesn't say how he feels how will you know if he is missing you when or if you disappear? It may be time to get other people involved to get the answer that you need. Does he have a friend or friends that he confides in and talks to about his feelings? You're going to have to find some way to get him to talk to you in order to know if you should fight for him or walk away and move on.

Communication in a relationship is key and if he doesn't know how to communicate his feelings then pretty much you will stay lost and not know how he is feeling about you and about the break up.