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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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I have been married for six months now and my husband told

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I have been married for six months now and my husband told me something that has really thrown me. When we began dating he told me had been with with lots of girls, tons of one night stands, at the same time he told me that since immigrating to America four years ago he had only been with four women sexually so he could find his true love. Well, it's not so simple. One of those girls he shared at the same with another friend, who is coming to our wedding in January. (We had civil six months ago and now having a religious wedding.) He didn't do this once or twice, but lots with several of his friends. He's been in orgies and threeseomes regularly for years. We even lived with a friend who moved back to Israel and it turns out they shared one too many years ago. Now I need to throw religion in one this one too. My husband is an orthodox Jew from Israel who wants me to convert orthodox from secular. Most of these friends are "religious" too. I might be secular, but I'm moral. I don't know how to handle my husband and his friends. I don't know how to handle this situation within myself. I don't feel like I can resepct him or trust him. He doesn't think it was wrong. I think it's sick. What do I do?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question. First answer these questions:

What are your ages?

What made you decide to marry this man when you knew that he had these issues?

What is the outcome you are wishing for?

How does he respond to you when you confront him about this behavior?

Thank You!
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I am 28 and he is 33. I knew when we got married that there had been lots of girls before me, but since he was 29 he had slowed it down dramatically. I didn't until Monday night about the orgies and threesomes. When I tell him what he did was wrong he goes either on the defense or acts ashamed. When I tell him I don't want to see his friends at our wedding he doesn't say anything. He acts like I should have been more adventurous, but I'm not. When I was a child I was sexually abused and grew up hating and not trusting men. I went to therapy for several years and found a man I thought I could trust. He says he got sick of that life and decided he wanted more, but honestly the last time he had a threesome was 14 months ago. I met 6 after. He knows me and my hstory and says thats to blame with being uncomfortable with this. I don't completely agree. Also, for him and his friends to be so religious and do this, makes me sick. I guess I need some insight on how to handle this and explain that what he did was wrong and that he needs to change himself. Also, I don't want to see this friend that he did this with, I may lose it at my wedding.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
How do I go past this and see the man I married? The man I want to raise children with?
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

You certainly have yourself a difficult situation there. I'm going to basically cut the therapeutic jargon and be very straight with you about this type of behavior. Essentially, it sounds like you have married an abuser and a womanizer. He has very low self-esteem and gets his sense of "manhood" from his sexual adventures. This is not the kind of man a woman should marry...and certainly not the kind you should try to have kids with. Let me stress that...not the kind you should have kids with. Do you want your kids to learn to disrespect women in the same way your husband does? I'm guessing the answer to that is NO. You have this wish to be loved and cared for...that is normal, but you are going about getting that need met in the wrong way. This man is a symbolic representation of past abusive males in your life and you are trying to fix him. You unconscious wish that he will change and love you and only you. The problem is that no person can make another person change. You are simply fooling yourself...hoping that he will love you and care for you and your future family. From my experience, it is not likely that he will remain faithful to you. Most likely, he will attempt to guilt you into trying some bizarre sexual experiment. You do not want about re-traumatizing yourself. Your marriage to this man is going to be traumatic for you. As for being religious...he is not religious. He is cannot have meaningless sex with many women and be "religious." He may even try to use religion to control can be used as a means to control your behavior. Meanwhile, he will be having sex with other women and you will be suffering. I'm going to be straight with you here...get out of this now. You are right...your past has influenced your decisions. You are trying to fix this wreck of a man in the hopes that somehow it will fix what has happened to you. It will not help. He will not change. You cannot fix him. He sounds quite disturbed and probably needs serious counseling. I'm sorry to bring you bad news, but I do not want to lie to you and pretend that I believe someone like that could change. You can do better than know you can. Stop trying to fix it. You will feel your anxiety go away when you do.

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