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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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I was raised in a very strict, Christian family (Pentacostal)

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I was raised in a very strict, Christian family (Pentacostal) and it has taken a toll on my past relationships. My family beliefs include abstinence before marriage. I believe that this is the right way to go, but it seems nearly impossible to actually do while dating. In my past relationships, I have always succummed to my feelings and gotten involved in sex, but the guilt was too much for me & caused me to have a negative outlook towards the relationship (and therefore, the relationship ends). Although this is true, I think that having sex with a person takes the relationship to a higher level and allows you to see a lot of aspects about the person that should be seen before marrying them (most sexually active couples move in together, etc.). I don't want to enter a marriage blindly, but also don't want to feel like I am offending God. Any advice?

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What is your age?


-Do you live alone or with your family?


-Do you usually break off the relationships or is it mutual or does the other person?


-What is you sex?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I am a female, age 25. I am a student...when away at school (approximately 10 months out of a year) I live alone. When on vacation, I live at home. As far as the relationships, I ususally don't break them off simply for the reason of having sex (because I consider that unfair since it was also my choice to have sex), but unconsciously, it seems like I find another reason (arguing too much, etc.). I actually believe that the guilt from premarital sex causes me to give up on the relationship, so I don't really attempt to try to make it work, and it ends in one way or another. The lack of hope in the relationship causes me to just give up on it.


It seems as though you are torn between giving in to sex without being ready and going against God's rule as far as waiting until marriage to have sex. Although people may not be ready to have sex they still find it easier to give in and have sex than to try to explain why not. Some people get caught up in the romantic feelings and believe having sex is the best way they can prove their love. For the moment things are okay and you give into having sex without being ready and then you feel bad because you feel like you have sinned and gone against God's will. Try to remember not every person your age is having sex. Even if sometimes it feels like everyone is doing it, it is important to realize that this is not true. People often talk about sex in a casual manner, but this doesn't mean they are actually having sex. Sexual situations are everywhere in our culture, they are on television, in movies, and even in commercials and magazines, just remember they are actors and actresses. They can't get unwanted pregnancies and STDs, you can.

There are lots of great reasons why people wait to have sex, religion, future plans, wanting to wait until marriage, would an unwanted baby in your life make it easier or tougher for you to do the things you want to do. Wanting to avoid STDs is another reason that some people are very cautious about becoming sexually active. There are ways to avoid feeling pressured to have sex before you are ready. Hang with people that have the same values as you do. Date people that are waiting until marriage also, go out with a group of friends rather than only your date. Never feel obligated to have sex with someone and only do it when you are ready and know that you are ready. Last but not least Say "no" and mean "no" if that's how you feel.


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I don't think it's necessarily giving into sex without being ready, but rather consenting to sex to get closer to the person and see his true personality (b/c most guys put on a front until they have you in bed, then the real person comes out). I usually think I really like a guy until after we have sex and I see his true self. This is also why I stated that having sex before marriage is necessary in order to not enter marriage blindly. I don't want to be married to someone that I can't stand to live with, or even be around, etc. Most people who wait until marriage to have sex date for about a year and then get married. I think that's stupid and unrealistic, because you obviously don't know the other person that well, but they do it to keep from fornicating. I don't want to do that.


You know what you are ready for and what you aren't ready for, but you have to be able to have a sexual relationship and not feel guilty for doing so, like you said it's unrealistic for someone to think they can marry someone without having sex with them, what if they are incompatible sexually and like different things. You were brought up thinking sex before marriage is a sin in God's eyes and this is why you feel bad afterward and it causes the doom of your relationships. Subconsciously you find fault in the person because of your beliefs and then feel guilty as if you sinned against God. You are going to have to come to grips that we are all human and are not perfect and God knows this, in the end he reads your heart not your actions. In order to be happy you are going to have to realize in order to be happy and have a healthy relationship you have to do what is best for you and only do what you are comfortable with.

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