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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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sister just dies

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we were estranged for 30 yrs. her idea, not mine.
Hello Marge

Are you saying your sister recently died?

Why were you estranged?

What is your question?

What are your ages?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Yes, she died 10/4. We were estranged because we were really step sisters, and I never knew how much she hated me for being born. Our mother had to put her in foster care when she was 3, and got her back home when she was 14. I just found out she was angry because she didn't understand why our mother had me, and left her in foster care all those years. I always wanted a big sister, (I didn't know about her until I was 6) and was so glad when I met her. Apparently, she didn't feel the same way.

She was 72, I am 66

I guess my question is how do I live with this knowledge, and the fact that I can't do anything about it now.

I am sorry for your loss. May I ask, how did you find out about how she felt?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Her daughter, with whom I kept in contact all these years, told me. My niece is also my goddaughter and we often wrote and talked on the phone. She tried to make peace between us, bu her mom was not willing to do anything. In some ways I wish I never found out.
You made the comment that you can't do anything about it now, and that's the truth. You weren't even born when she was put into foster care and what your mother did is not your responsibility or your burden. I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason, even when we cannot tell what that reason is. It seems that your relationship with her daughter is a good one, and maybe that's the reason why you have a sister, is to be a warm presence in the life of her child. Her mother is gone now, and she may come to depend on you more than before.

You are at a crossroads right now, you can take the road your sister took, and you can hold this question of 'why?' in your can fiddle with it, play with it, and in the next 20 or 30 years, you might become just as miserable as her. Or you can say a prayer, admit that no matter what, you may never know why she felt the way she did, and regardless, she is in another place right now. Perhaps in a place where she is now looking back and wondering why she ever felt that way at all. I suggest lighting a candle and talking to her, tell her how you feel and that you hope that she is at peace now, apart from the worldly cares that we carry like so many burdens all of our lives; and for what?

What's done is done now. Live your life, and enjoy it for what it's worth, as tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. Look upon your big sister and remember anything good you can about her. Her anger stemmed from feeling rejected by your mother, and was misplaced onto you. You can't do anything about it, and it hardly matters now. Love your niece, see what part you can play in her life and find the kindness, love and goodness in the little things in life.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, everyone says pretty much the same thing, and someplace in me I know it's true, I think it's just bothering me because it's so recent. You have helped me see what's done is done, and there is nothing I can do about it. I also believe everything happens for a reason. I was just feeling low tonight, and this discussion brought me out of it. Thanks.
I sort of know how you feel. My husbands mom is near death, they don't expect her to last the night. We once had a good relationship, but it deteriorated over time. I feel bad that we never made up, but what can I do now? I can only be there for him, much like you can only be there for your niece. I know sometimes words don't help much, especially when it's so recent, but you have to hold on to the belief that it wasn't really you that she was angry at, it was the circumstances....and she had a right to be upset and to feel rejected by her mother. Thinking for a moment in her shoes, she must have always wondered what she did wrong? It's never easy....we're such complicated creatures, and one can never truly know the heart of another. All we can do is love and hope to be loved in return.

If you ever want to talk more, feel free to ask for me by name.


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