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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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my boyfriend says I was staring at other guys in a club on

Resolved Question:

my boyfriend says I was staring at other guys in a club on a few occassions. I wasn't aware that I was it. He is hurt and it is coming between us. Is there resolution here?
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Do you honestly think you have?

Did he say you were staring or just looking?

You are 53? What is his age?

How long have the two of you been together?

Any other relationship problems?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.

No, I honestly know I wasn't staring. I was probably looking in that direction . We've been together a year but these staring episodes have occurred three times as per him. He is 10 yrs. younger. It annoys that although he comes over on weekends he doesn't designate a time. Another interesting thing is that he doesn't like to kiss and says he never has although he will on occassion but never French kiss.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Nan, Thank you for that additional info. This is interesting, and there could be a few different things going on here. None of them are very positive. First let me say that if you honestly know that you weren't doing what he says, then you have to be very adamant, at all costs, in letting him know that he is wrong. This could cause a lot of problems, but if you are not adamant about this, then you are in a sense admitting that you were doing it.

1. He could honestly believe that you were staring, and this could be for one or two reasons

a. he's paranoid, may have been cheated on before and is wary and highly attentive to even the smallest (perceived) impropriety

b. He may have a mental/emotional issue that makes him see something where there is nothing. A mental or emotional issue can come upon anyone, at anytime, so even if he hasn't acted this way in the past, circumstances could set him off. I'm seeing a lot more of this in our current economy.

2. He could be using this as an excuse for another purpose

a. He could be cheating, and cheater will either accuse you, to keep you off guard, or accuse you because they are guilty so they see guilt in other people as well

b. He could be a controlling person, in which case he stops you from doing things one at a time. First he accuses and accuses and accuses and keeps harping on it, and once you give in to the accusations (even when they aren't true, you just want to let it go already), then he feels like he won, so he moves on to the next thing, ie; you can't go to the club alone, you can't go to the gym alone, you can't have any male friends, can't talk to male members of your family, can't talk to female members of your family, can't go to the store, etc. This type of relationship almost always ends in violence, sometimes sooner than later, and most of the women say "he would never hit me, he's not that type of guy".

Last but not least, maybe he really does believe you were looking, but once you told him you weren't and were adamant about it, he should love you and trust you enough to let it go. If there is no trust in a relationship, there is nothing. What's next, you can't watch movies with men in them? We are all human, and it's human to look at other people, you can't walk around diverting your eyes....but grown ups understand this and don't go crazy about it. I'm very concerned about the lack of kissing, it exhibits an extreme lack of trust and intimacy, and not designating a time, gives him all of the control. There is a lot her to be concerned about.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more


Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I'm unhappy that he won't let it go. I'm anxiety ridden most of the time. He broke up with me because of this and it was very painful but he started calling me saying he missed me and wanted to see me and we got back together. The issue remains with him. Initially when he pursued me, he couldn't do enough for me - spoiled me. He says I treated him horribly, didn't reciprocate. I didn't call him for months initially. All the initiative was on his part. I have never had a boyfriend and I felt that the man should pursue the woman. I fell for him too. He would ask me about a man I was with 11yrs. ago and I told him. Now, I realize I shouldn't have told him as much as I did. He calls me daily although he is very deliberate in his actions. If we have a disagreement, he won't call as often for awhile. He would cook for me, come over every weekend, call daily. I felt he loved me. We get along great when he comes over for the weekend. All our troubles are related to the "staring". I remain attracted to him and he recently had me over to his house. He hadn't done so prior to this because his mother resides with him (only child), and he has trouble dealing with this situation. She moved in with him after she got divorced and hasn't moved out nor can she afford to. He had a girlfriend a few yrs. ago and has had bad experiences with women. I'm attached to him and I think he is to me as well. I don't know how he feels about me anymore but he says he cares for me. He has never said he loves me though. I feel he has done more for me than anyone and he lives an hour away.