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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I am in love with my employee - problem is he is a married

Customer Question

I am in love with my employee - problem is he is a married man and straight. He is extremely, extremely shy and reserved, but a very good human being. Shows very little emotion, if any at all. But he shows subtle signs of annoyance when I am close to other men.What do i do ?How do I get over it?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Leo,

Does he know you are gay?

What are your ages?

Has he ever given you an indication that he is gay or interested?

When was your last relationship?

Why did it end?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

I am sure he is aware of it. He is definitely not gay. I am about five years older than him. As i said he is painfully, painfully shy,shows no emotional at all, loves his wife - so for him to show even the slightest form of intersest is a big deal. And I am sure he feels somewhat jealoos , or perhaps curious, when I show intersest in others.


I have had a relationship with another person recently. When I say relationship, it is a physical one and one sided (I hope you know what I mean - he received oral). He was also straight and married.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Thank you Leo for the additional info, and your candor :) I'm curious about your seeming pattern of dealing with married men. What do you think it is that attracts you to them? Is it the conquest of having something forbidden (Straight/married), is it avoiding commitment because you know they are married, or is it something else?

I wouldn't automatically assume that what he's showing interest if he's not given you any other signs, he could be curious to see if you are hitting on them, and/or what their reactions are. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I would like a little bit more insight. I do not look at it as if it were a challenge. I really do not think of it as a conquest.The one that I had an affair with is in not so good a marriage and perhaps that is why he showed interest me. My employee does show interest. Is it possible that he is jealous and at the same time not interested?What is it?More importantly, what should I do?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hi Leo

99% of everything we do, we do for a reason or because we 'get something out of it', so when you find yourself doing something more than once, it's always good to question your motives, especially when we do something that is frowned upon socially, like getting involved with someone who is married. Marriage is a promise, and whether it's between same-sex couples or heterosexual couples, it's supposed to have a meaning. If someone is not happy in their marriage, instead of getting involved with someone else, they should try to work on the marriage or leave. It's sounds simplistic of course, but when another person gets involved, it takes the focus off dealing with the marriage.

I'm not sure what the basis of your boss's interest is in you. I do know that you have two very good reasons not to get involved with him and one would be that he's your boss. If you care about your job, you won't want to jeopardize it, and deal with potential repercussions. The other reason is that he's married. It's almost important to realize that it doesn't matter if he is curious, jealous, interested, not interested, because he's married and should be considered off-limits. It's my suggestion that you simply try to get past your feelings and emotions toward him....keep yourself busy with other things, or get out and meet other people. I know this isn't easy, when you feel that you have fallen in love with someone, but I still ask that you think about how you could fall in love with someone who is so unattainable and has not returned your affection. This is more like infatuation and you'll want to look at your feelings objectively and decide if you want to move past them or act on them. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hello Chase,

the past has shown me that men do get interested in me , once they get to know me- prhaps because I am kind of outgoing and perhaps flirty, unintentionally. I have never cated on geting close to them, even when oppportunity presented itself. But lately, I feel more intense about my feelings and i think about it all the time. What gives?

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Leo

To be clear, you think about what all the time? Your boss or your feelings?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Both. I think about him, I think about how not to be so attracetd; I think about his intersest in me - if there is one at all; he always tries to please me, why?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

I think I made a mistake, does he work for you or do you work for him? I just noticed you called him your employee (I thought you said employer) but when I referred to him as your boss you didn't correct me?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
You are right - he works for me. As I have mentioned , he is completely devoid of any visual emotions - but I am neither lying , nor imagining that he has some strange feelings for me - maybe becuase I have helped him so much. He does get a littlebit envious when he realises that I am getting close to other guys ( the one that i had an affair with).
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Thank you leo, that sort of changes things for me. It's not uncommon for people to look up to their bosses and to be jealous if their boss shows attention to others. A boss is in a position of power, and of course an employee is going to do everything they can to stay in your favor. I'm not saying he would get involved with you, but I don't believe it would be beyond him to make you think he might. It's like patients developing feelings for their doctors or students developing feelings for their teachers, or either doing little things to curry favor with them. It's a strange position, but as I said before, he should be considered off limits regardless because he's married, and as his boss, you need to think about him coming back at some point and screaming sexual harassment if he doesn't get his way, so be careful. I'm here if you want to talk more


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