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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Im having issues with my boyfriend of 5 months. We get al&

Customer Question

I'm having issues with my boyfriend of 5 months. We get along very well, are very cuddly and loving toward one another. We have a lot in common and even have a great sex life. Problem is he said he's not "infatuated" with me for some reason. He said he cares a lot for me and thinks I'm beautiful, yet isn't infatuated so he feels torn. Personally, I don't think he should be infatuated really. I'd much rather him have respect for me and admiration and think I'm attractive and intelligent. What should I do? I care for him very much and have a lot invested in this relationship and I'd hate to see it end, but I don't want to come out looking like a fool. Please help!
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

Where did the two of you meet?

Is he saying he wants to break up with you?

Is he saying he loves you?

What are your ages?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
We actually met on E Harmony. He's 24 and I just turned 25. He never said he loves me, I never said I love him. He'll say he doesn't know if he's infatuated with me, yet he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me and he's torn. He once mentioned that his siblings (who are all married) told they knew they had found the right person. He also said his family loves me and would call him "a retard" if he broke up with me. We've had 3 discussions like this in our time together. However, other than that, he's extrememly affectionate and has invited me to several family functions despite them being 7 hours away. I've met all his friends on several occasion. I just don't know what to do. I failed to mention part of the problem may be my work situation. I work 2nd shift Monday-Friday and he works 1st. We always spend the entire weekend together from Friday night-Monday morning. Although not being able to see eachother during the week has been difficult. I've been trying to find another job with a better shift for well over a year now but without much luck.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Anna,

Thank you for that additional info. There's a couple of issues at hand here. The biggest issue is that you've only been together 5 months, and realistically neither of you may not be able to say that you love the other because you don't really know each other that well. We live in a fast food society and everything has to be right now. We meet people and weeks later we're sleeping with them and telling them we love them and then wondering why it's not working out, it's because we don't know them.

The thing about infatuation is, it's not realistic...we're usually infatuated by something we may not have realistic expectations of. If he's saying that he doesn't feel chemistry with you (which is what I'm thinking he's saying) then you might be right that it's not going to work out. We can get along with someone online, but the real truth comes when we meet someone and spend time with them in person. Either the chemistry is there or it's not.

As for his family/friends, it's great that they all like you, but they aren't the ones in the relationship with you. Them liking you so much could actually work against you if he is resentful of them wanting a certain type of woman for him, so the more they like you, the more he feels distanced from you.

Work shouldn't be an issue as there are many couples who are together who only see each other on the weekends. They make the most of that time and that time is more precious for the fact that they don't see each other all week.

I would give it a little more time without pressuring him and see how he feels about things. Just because his siblings knew they wanted to be with someone, doesn't mean that he will, people fall in love differently and he can't compare his style of loving with others.

Again, give it a little time and see what happens. If in a few months, he's still talking the same way, you may want to reconsider your options. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


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Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Do you feel as though there is a way I can somehow influence him to have a more positive view of our relationship or at least improve our "chemistry?" I know you can't make someone love you or even like you, but I can't help but feel he doesn't understand the difference between an adult relationship and a college-age one. I really do adore him and I'd give anything to try to make it work.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
The best thing overall would be to see if he was willing to go to counseling, but it's probably not likely since you've not been together that long, you could also do some research on styles of loving. There are different ways that people love, and they may not even know that they love this way. This book has some interesting things you can bring up with him, and the more he can understand how he thinks, what he expects and the type of loving he does, then the more he can be aware and possibly change. Let me know if you want to talk more


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