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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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The married man I have been having seeing for 2 years, maybe narssisstic.Should I stay

Customer Question

The man that I love is married, although I didnt find this out until after I fell in love with him. We swept me off my feet, but changed after a few months. I refused to give him money(which I didnt have.) He is a converted catholic and I am a disillusioned catholic who attends a unity church. He asked for expensive gifts to prove my love. He will have to give up hundreds of thousands of dollars if he divorces. He said in asking this of me he can see my intent. For the past year I have been driving to him, paying for the hotel and bringing a feast for him to eat. I thought that shows my intention was serious to be with him. If he is so catholic how can he have an affair? He told me that his wife is not interested in sex, and is in different to him. Sexually, we are great together, although I always seem to want more, but he is satisfied. My fear is eventually the same indifference thing might happen with me. He doesnt seem to be the man I fell in love with. Help!
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Calms,

What are your ages?

How long have you been seeing him?

Expensive gifts like what?

How did you meet him?

If he has hundreds of thousands of dollars to give up then why does he need money from you?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I am 50 and he is 45. We have been together on & off for 2 years. He asked for all types of different things. Montblanc Pen, Le Chat Noir poster, graphic design light table, Omega watch, book, 27 pairs of boxer briefs, 27 pieces of papyrus, my only diamond ring , rose flugelhorn. The only thing he didnt get was my ring. We met online at an interracial site. He said he was researching for a client. He was on for one month then got off. He said he tried to resist, but fell in love with me.We wrote for about a month before meeting.The poems and letters were incredible almost shakespearean. We both wrote like that. Then it took another 2 months before we slept together.

He wants to that I am serious and will be there while & when he divorces. He said the divorce will be difficult and will need me to support and be trong for him.He is giving up that much money to be with me, he wants me to give up (invest) something too. I tried to understand this, but can't. He lives in Ohio and I am in Michigan.This is his last email to me today:
"Do you even know what I want or understand my heart and motivations? You answers seem to always linger in the same language of sex and intimacy. But no matter how much I may love you and have enjoyed that part of our time together, I cannot be swayed by it.
All that you are? All that you have? I can believe that only after every request that I have ever made of you is fulfilled, in haste, by you without protest or rancor...there is no need for us to be physically in the same space for that... or will your pretty words do nothing more than wither and fade when confronted by real world demands? "

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Honestly, I'm not sure which part to be more concerned about, the fact that he is requiring these tokens as 'proof' of your love, or that you are actually giving it to him. This man has serious issues and regardless of how you feel about him, there's a reason why you can't understand....because it makes no sense. There's no reason why someone who cares about another person that they would make them jump through hoops like this. He is using you, manipulating you and that letter is more proof that he is intent on making you feel guilty, possibly to get more gifts from you. It's very scary how manipulative that letter is, and I would not be surprised one bit if he's not done this before to another woman or women.

It's been almost two years and rather than making a decision to leave his wife, or appreciating what you have done for him thus far, he is demeaning you and challenging your feelings for him. Telling you that the only way he will believe you love him is if you give him everything he asks for? It almost smacks of blackmail. At this point you may need to consider therapy. You have to ask yourself why you've stayed with him this long and put up with his nonsense? He's never going to be happy with anything you give him, and nothing you give him will ever be enough. I know that I'm being very blunt, but frankly, this guy has me concerned for you, and I can't stress enough that you should consider breaking this toxic relationship off as soon as possible.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
HI Chase,
Thanks for being honest. After the last few days of reading about narissistics, I knew what the answer would and should be. I just did not want to admit it. I do love him so very much, but I always knew there was something almost sinister about him. As my self-esteem was spiralling down, the more depressed I became. After trying several antidepressants which didnt seem to work, I didnt want to do anything. It was difficult getting out of bed. I would write poetry and cry and send it to him. But I do know I have to stop loving him and start loving myself more. I got up and went to church and heard the lecture "How to stand up for yourself!" How ironic. The sun is shining and i am going to pick apples with my sons. I know I have a few issues to work on but feel better than I have in quite a while. Thanks for your help once again!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
It's my pleasure to help, and I know how it is to care for someone, just keep in mind that love doesn't work one-way, if he's not reciprocating then it can only damage you. He's already caused you an excess amount of damage. You were putting something (antidepressants) in your life, instead of taking something (him) out. Always look at what needs to come out, before putting something in. Your sons need a healthy mom, a healthy role model and a mom who knows that she deserves to be loved the way she needs to be loved. Be strong, and of course if you need to talk more, all you have to do is ask for me by name.



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