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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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Do I view him as a friend, do I just continue to "grow the relationship"--do I continue to have false hopes that something should come of this. When I said, "this has to be reciprocal"--he said, what do you need, flowers, candy, whatever"
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

Hi Customer,


I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question.


Can you provide me with some more details so that I can better answer your question. It would help me to provide you with a better answer. Thanks

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
We talk about every 3 days (I let him always call me). We talk about everything. I really like him and I just don't know how I should look at him. He said, you are in Houston and I am in Hannover, how is this going to work. Admittedly, this is a huge obstacle. And yet, he states, Let's grow the relationship. He lost is wife to cancer 4 years ago and sold his business plus he has taken a recent huge financial hit with the markets. He has been here once and I have been there twice. When I said, "this has to be reciprocal," why did he reply, "what do you need, candy, flowers etc. if he were not interested? I really like him but if this is going nowhere as a romantic relationship, he did try to bed me and I replied, "you know, I just don't know when I will see you again.? I proposed seeing each other every 2 to 3 months to see if we like each other, he was non-commital.
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.



Are you willing to move to Germany? Is he willing to move to the states?



Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Well, when we had the "talk", he made the statement, "your'e not moving to Hanover and I'm not moving to Houston" without any discussion about this (though honestly, we are not that far along in the relationship). That's why I had suggested that we see each other every 2 months (he's retired)--I run 2 small businesses and see how it goes. He just said, "let's continue to grow the relationship." Was this too soon for the talk and why does he call me constantly. Is he confused? Why does it seem that he talks out of both sides of his mouth.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

This is the same question that you posed before, "are you willing to move to Germany and is he willing to move to the states?" Here is how I would propose this working out, we're 3 months in Germany (I can run my business remotely) and then 3 months in the states, 3 months in Germany and 3 months in the states. It's all about COMPROMISE.

He was educated in the states and worked here for awhile so its' not that he is not exposed to America. How do I even bring up the subject again tactfully about, "well, you just assumed that I would not go to Germany, here's how it might work out, etc. etc.

Maybe it is just too soon for this discussion and why, when I said, it's got to be reciprocal, he said, "what do you need me to do." He could have said, "it just can't work."

Customer: replied 8 years ago.



See above comments to your Question, "are you willing to move to Germany, is he willing to move to the states--it is all about a compromise. It is too premature to discuss that aspect of the "move compromise." I was thinking if we got to know each other better, then this question would come to the forefront at the appropriate time or maybe in his mind, he just doesn't see a compromise in this regard and why should he even pursue the relationship? Please see my above reply on Oct. 4, 9:17 am. These are the questions I would like to have answered. Thanks and of course, your view on the original question.



Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

Hi Customer,


This whole situation sounds a bit unrealistic from my perspective. He does not sound as though he is committed to a serious long distance relationship. He must be getting something out of the situation. I suppose that is why he responded to your comment with the question, "What do you want? He maybe thinks that you are wanting something more in return because it seems like he is getting something out of the relationship. When he says "grow the relationship," it sounds like he thinks you want to move too fast. Your willingness to move overseas and leave your business for someone you barely know is a bit alarming to me. He has made no sign of commitment to you, other than to call you every few days. Perhaps he just enjoys having a woman listen to him and it makes him feel good about himself to have a woman in the states swooning over him. I suggest that you address the reality of this long distance relationship before you fall even more in love with this man. At this point, it is important to separate reality from fantasy. You fantasize about this romantic relationship with this man, but the reality is that he is trying to keep his distance (i.e., "grow the relationship) and has made no commitment to you. Perhaps you need to have a very serious conversation about his commitment to making the relationship work before you invest anymore of your feelings into this potentially messy situation.


Customer: replied 8 years ago.



I'm not willing to abandon my businesses as I stated, I can run them remotely and the compromise is 3 months in the states and 3 months in Germany, off an on. To say that I barely know him, when we talk (about everything) every 3 days is a stretch and we have been together 4 weeks. But, I do agree that he has "made no committment" to the long distance relationship and maybe he does think I am "moving too fast." It just seems like he is giving mixed messages. I agree that you are right about having a serious conversation about his committment to a long distance relationship. Should I just ask him straight up, "what do you mean by 'growiing the relationship' and for what purpose? (this was not an on-line deal, we met through mutual friends).

Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

Hi Customer,


Not to belabor the point, but it seems like you have too much confidence in how well you know him. Typically, it takes about 1 and 1/2 to 2 years before someone will see the "true self" which is often disguised quite well. You cannot possibly know this man well if you talk on the phone every 3 days for 4 weeks. He has a whole other life of which you are not apart. He may mean that he just wants to get to know you more when he says "growing the relationship." You seem to be ready for a commitment, but he feels like he hardly knows you. If you presume to think you can really know someone this quickly, I think you may have a whole other problem with closeness and perceived closeness. Aside from what I have already said, you must realize that long distance relationships create a pseudorelationship. That is, you are not really in a relationship because it is just not the same as a day in and day out relationship where you are exposed to the less attractive side of the person. So, all of this said, just to make the point that you or I could not possibly know what he is thinking about this relationship. You do need to have a serious conversation with him though....that will at least give you something to work with...all we are doing is speculating. Don't worry yourself by putting this conversation have a right to get a straight forward answer from him. That is, what he thinks about you and the possibility of a long-term relationship.


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I must not be communicating well--we have spent 4 weeks together physically and we have talked on the phone every 3 to 4 days for the past year. No, it has not been "every 3 days for 4 weeks. " That would be ridiculous to think that you know someone having just talked with them for 4 weeks. Yes, I would have a HUGE PROBLEM if I thought this. Your answers come across as "not understanding what I'm saying." The original title, "we have been doing the dance for a year." And your previous response of "abandoning my businesses"--not true at all. Am I communicating so poorly? Basically, you are saying, "have another talk." Is that right?
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

Hi Customer,


Sorry, some the info got a bit confusing. I should have read that more carefully. Given what you have said, it seems like you definitely need to talk this out with him. You have been talking for a year now and it sounds like you are really looking for some direction for the future of the relationship. You might consider asking him what he means by "growing the relationship." I would not pressure him to the point that he feels as though he needs to give you an immediate answer, but I would certainly push for some type of concrete info. At this point, I think you deserve a better answer from him. His attitude seems very casual and placating. It makes me wonder about his level of commitment...just like you are wondering. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Strike what I said regarding the closeness and 4 week thing. You have been together long enough for him to give you a better answer than lets just "grow the relationship."

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