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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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How do I discuss this with him so he will actually listen

Customer Question

When we met, I was on my own with my 13 yr old son. I was supporting us and had a 2 year plan to be debt free. Since I have met him, I have just went further in debt, paying for his divorce and bankruptcy, and he just won't quit spending. I know I'm an idiot and should have probably left this relationship behind, but instead, I think I can fix everything and took it all on. He makes good money, but spends it just as fast. And now we have a 14 month old child together. I want to fix things, get the love back, but right now I just hate him for where I am in my life.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

What are your ages?

How long have you been with him?

Is he supposed to pay you back for the money you've put out?

Who handles the budget and the bills?

Have you discussed it with him?

Any other relationship problems?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I'm 36 and he's 38. We've been together for 3 and 1/2 years. No I never expected him to pay me back the money, but I did expect that with his income we would be way further ahead than we are, but he just won't quit spending. I am in charge of all the bills, and have told him I am going to allot him a certain amount of money for each trip he takes for work and take away his debit card. Hell he's out playing golf and shit, while I'm working and taking care of the baby. But he doesn't tell me this, I see it on the bank statement. I told him tonight we have to talk tommorrow when he gets home. I think he thinks it's an other man issue, which is soo far wrong. I am so stressed over money, my 16 year old and his issues, taking care of the baby and work, that we don't even have sex anymore, and I hate it. That was always one of the good things in our relationship. But lately I don't want him to touch me, can't even hardly sleep in the same bed as him. That is why I am going to the doctor tommorrow. And I need him to quit hating my 16 year old. As a teenager, he is messed up, but if you knew his history, you'd know he needs help, not someone saying they hate him and want him out of the house now. I'm pretty much lost.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Thats a LOT to deal with. I can see where you're probably wondering when he's going to grow up and be a man about things. Does he cash his check or does he give it to you? Have you ever tried taking away his debit card, or creating an account for him where it would limit his spending? It's possible if you try to do these things that the relationship might get worse.....his spending habits are either habitual, or something he does because of other issues in his life that he doesn't want to face. Try writing out all of the bills on paper and ask him where he wants to be financially in the next 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 20 yrs, 50 yrs. What are the family goals? House, bigger house, car, bigger car, vacations, own business. It's important that the two of you agree on what the future looks like. One of the biggest relationship issues is money and yes, it can affect sex. As for your son, that's simply a whole other issue. At that age the two of them should be spending as much time together as possible, if he's not spending time with his dad. he needs a man in his life right now more than he needs anything else. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

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Customer: replied 9 years ago.
His paycheck is directly deposited into my account. So he doesn't hide money from me. I have threatened him repeatedly in the last month about giving him a budget and taking away his debit card, but I guess he thinks I'm bluffing. I have shown him the bills, written out easily in form and he just says yeah that sucks, but continues to do what he does and lets me pay them. What if I don't? He says he wants a house of our own soon, we rent right now, but when I bring that up he says, yeah I know and doesn't change. As far as the children go, the 16 year old isn't his and he hates him with a passion for numerous reasons. Hell I even hate the kid, but he's mine so I still love him if that makes any sense. When the little guy comes into play, he is the best father in the world, but he seems to always have to take him to do something that costs money, such as, out to breakfast. There is food in the house to cook and eat. I don't know how and what to say to him without him just hating me too!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Well, I can certainly feel your anger and frustration even from where I sit. The only thing left to do at this point is to follow thru on your bluff. I would get a paypal card, since once the money is gone, it won't pay for anything until more money is put in. Some debit cards will actually overdraw the account. If nothing else, open a separate checking account, decide on an amount of money you will be giving him per pay period, and that's it/ he has to live off of that from now on, or for a specific period of time. Be sure to give him input into the process, because if he has input and agrees to an amount, he'll be less likely to be resentful, because it was his choice. Tell him that you're willing to come to a decision about it and then low ball him. If you're willing to give him 100 (for example) tell him your willing to give him 50 and see if he goes for it. this way you have 50 dollars to play with down the line (these are numbers just off the top of my head and may not reflect your numbers). This is really your only alternative right now, is to go down that path and see where it leads, because the path you're on just isn't working. The best indication of future behavior is past behavior and based on his track record, he likely won't change, unless you make him. You do have another alternative, and that's to decide to leave him. I wouldn't suggest that you up and leave, but prepare yourself. Open that other bank account and start putting away money for you to be able to do what you need to do once you leave. You may want to consider doing that, even if you don't leave. Think of it as an investment into your child's future/s.