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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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My fiance is a widower. He thinks it is appropriate to display

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My fiance is a widower. He thinks it is appropriate to display a picture of his first wife in the new home we are moving into together. I think not. Help?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What are your ages?


-How long have you been together?


-How long was he married to her?

-Why do you disagree?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I am 53 and he is 57. They were married 30 years, but after she passed away, he had a second marriage that only lasted 8 months - she also passed away from cancer. He took down any pictures of his second wife from his home a few months ago and said he was 'moving on'. It is only a picture of his first wife that is the issue. We have been seeing each other about 14 months and he gave me a ring 2 weeks ago. We have just signed a lease on a new condo on the beach. I feel that this is 'our' home and if we have truly put the past behind us, we would not need or want pictures of any 'exes'. I would not even think of displaying a picture of my ex husband or anyone else I have been involved with. I have no problem with occassionally seeing pictures from his first family, nor with her being discussed when his children(adult and married) are around, but I don't want to walk through a room in my home and look at a picture of her every day.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


Thrity years is a long time to be with someone and it's not like they divorced she died he may have very well have spent the rest of his life with this woman and since she has passed on she isn't really a threat to your relationship. He may be wanting to do this so that he doesn't disrespect his wife's memory or his children they might ask questions if they see no memory of their mother at all, he may be doing this out of respect for his children losing their mother. Maybe you can compromise and he can put it in a draw somewhere and only get it out when the children are there. You have to be very careful that you don't make him resent you for making him try to forget all about his first wife whom he had children with.


No matter whether he has the picture up and out in the open or in a draw you can not erase the memories they had together he is with you now and there is no way this woman can come in between the two of you he just doesn't want to let go of the memories he had with her and the beautiful children she gave him. It's just like if a person lost a family member and they want to keep the memories they save something from that person that will remind them of them from time to time. Ex husband's are one thing but this is someone he loved that died they didn't get divorced. Maybe try to work out a compromise to only put the picture out when his children come to visit or are there unless they live there with you then you will have to accept him having a picture of their mother on the wall or the children may resent you also.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I am not so foolish as to think those memories will go away. He mentions those things at times - places they went, things they were involved in, etc. and I have not made an issue of any of those things. If this were the home his children grew up in, then I might understand their feelings at her things being removed. But this is a new home that we are starting together. When his children visit and mention their mother, I am not offended. When they bring out a box of old pictures and look at them, I am not offended. When I visit their homes and they have pictures of their mother displayed, I am not offended. So why do I need to display another woman's picture in my home, if he has truly moved on and I am now the most important person in the world to him?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.



That is why I suggested a compromise but his children even if adults would be offended if they knew you wanted no memories at all in your home and are trying to make their father erase all memory of their mother. You have a right to have input on what goes and doesn't go in your home I'm just saying you need to be careful it isn't taken the wrong way. This is something the two of you are definately going to have to work through before you get married and move into your own home. Tell him that you feel that this is your (yours and his) new start and you do not want anyone old memories you want to start new memories with him and that you're not trying to disrespect his wife's memory but this will be your home together not yours, his and his first wife's maybe then he will understand why do not want her picture in your home that you will share with him.

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