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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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I am in a confusing relationship. I dont know if it is actually

Resolved Question:

I am in a confusing relationship. I dont know if it is actually a relationship, we have alot in common we also think alike, he tells me he loves me and that iam perfect. We been dating for a year, we bought a time share togather we went to vegas togather and we have a upcoming trip for my b-day, a ten day cruise, were both commited to each other, so my issue is that he says he's not ready for a relationship and that we are not in one, so please let me know if this is a relationship or not and what i should do.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.



I am a psychologist and would be happy to answer your question. First, could you answer these questions:


What are your ages?


Are you sexually intimate?


Has he introduced you to his family?


Has he been in a serious relationship before?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

He's 25 and I am 27, yes we are intimate only with each other, we both been in a serious relationship before, but was hurt in his previous relationship, He met my family and im surpose to meet his in a week at his mother's 50th birthday

Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.



It sounds as though he is probably experiencing some anxiety about making a commitment to you. He is behaving as though the two of you are, in fact, in a relationship, but he is not willing to label it such. In order to deal with the loss he experienced in his previous relationship, he is guarding himself by pretending that he is not "in a relationship" with you...even though he actually is very much in a relationship. This way, you see, he is able to have his cake and eat it too. That is, he is able to reap all the benefits of being in a relationship without actually taking on the risk he associates with being "in a relationship." As long as you find this status satisfactory, he will probably continue to insist that you are not in a relationship with each other. If you want it to change, you will need to talk with him about his fear of loss that stems from his previous relationship and perhaps even further back in his childhood. He does not believe that he can fully trust you, because he is too afraid of losing again. You might consider addressing this issue with him soon. He will continue to treat you this way otherwise. You are enabling him to continue in his self-protective, defensive posture in this relationship.


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