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I have been in contact with this girl i know for over 6 months

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now and have grown very...
I have been in contact with this girl i know for over 6 months now and have grown very attached to her and have began to fall for her. I decided to tell her about this and she also claims to have similar feels for me but she is currently in a relationship. Her current boyfriend though has cheated on her 2 times and has shattered her self-esteem. She knows that shes not happy with him and he'll end up hurting her, but shes scared to leave him. I have spoken to her about what she thinks of me and she has said that she wants to be with me, but cant leave him even though she knows she should. All of her friends have even tried to convince her to leave him, and she still continues to stick around this guy even though hes bad news. I cant see myself being friends with her, and it hurts being around her cause I feel so much for her, and now it hurts even more knowing that she has feelings for me. I just dont know what to do...
Submitted: 9 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 1 hour by:
9/21/2008
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago
KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long has she been dating this guy?

 

-Why is she afraid to leave him?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
I'm 19 and she is 18 while hes 19

They been together for a little over a year and have broken up for brief periods of time over the year

As far as im concern, I think that she has already formed a sort of niche with him. She has alot of low self-esteem and she feels as though that if she leaves him she doesnt know what will happen in her love life.
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago
Customer

 

She has to want to leave the guy she is dating, you can not make her leave him and come to you. She has to decide when she has taken enough from this guy and feels she deserve something better than he has given her. I think once she woks on her self esteem issues she will be able to finally see that this guy has done her more harm than good and that you would treat her better and with more respect but no one can make her see these things. This guy has already proven to be untrustworthy and unreliable. I think she thinks this is all she is worth and that relationship is all she deserves. There isn't anything you can do but be there for her until she makes up her mind that she wants a much healthier relationship with someone that will respect her and not hurt her over and over again.

 

The final decision has to be hers in order for her to make a clean break from this guy and start to work on her self esteem because until she works on that he will use that to his advantage and she may never break free. She may need to talk to a counselor to find out where the low self esteem came from and why she feels this way.

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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
For some reason she isn't willing to leave him for anything UNLESS he cheats on her AGAIN. I find that to be ridiculous due to the fact that though they don't have a stable relationship, the only way shes willing to leave him is if he breaks her heart a 3rd time.
One thing im frighten about is that if i continue to be around her and be there for her, that I might just end up becoming a friend which is something I dont want to be...
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago
Customer

 

The best relationships are built from friendships and right now until she decides she has had enough that is all you can be to her and if you don't want to be friends and she notice that you lost interest as a friend it might send her the wrong signal like you don't want her at all anymore and she will stay with this guy and take his treatment so that may not be in your best interest. If she has no self esteem she will accept someone treating her bad and stay there because if she doesn't feel good about herself she may be afraid that if she broke up with this guy she couldn't find someone else even though you like her it's a mind frame that she is in.

KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
I'm just worried that if all I do is stay friends, we'll end up losing what we feel for each other. I understand its a mindframe she is in and I can't get her out of it, but I think that it is unfair to myself to pretend as though I don't feel anything for her and carry on with talking to her.
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago
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