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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I have been married for 13 years and we have one 2 year old

Resolved Question:

I have been married for 13 years and we have one 2 year old son. We were married when I as 19 and she was 21. I am not in love with her and am not sure if i ever have been. For the first ten years of our marriage, she never wanted to be intimate which created a lot of problems. I had numerous affairs during this time period all of which she is aware of and my last affair was 2 years ago. We sperated 2 years ago 4 months after our son was born, but i moved back in after 1 month because i did want to leave after we just had a child. I feel like we are just friends and have told her this before. She does not feel the same and puts more effort into the relationship than I. She is a very giving person and gives unconditional love, but i do not feel the same. Our home life is very comfortable as we do not argue because we generally agree on most things. i feel like i want to move on and find someone i do love, but i am scared that i would be making a mistake. Any Advice?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello baw,

What are your ages?

How did she deal with your cheating?

What exactly do you think your mistake would be?

How do you think she would deal with you leaving?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I am 32 and she is 34. When i told her about the cheating i of course thought it would have been relationship ending. We argued for a few days and I said i wanted to move out. She asked me not too, but i said that it would be better if i did for a month. She never brought up the affairs again and I have not strayed since then. Again this was 2 years ago. She has been deployed for 4 months now and i have been taking care of our son and working full time. I can't say that i really miss her being gone and i have enjoyed my freedom more. She is the first person i dated, we met when i was 16 nearly 17. We get along and share similar interests, but i don't feel like i love her as i should. If i was to pick my ideal person now, she would not be it and we have even discussed that. I tend to joke and have a good time, while she is more reserved and very practical. I don't want to keep hurting her or drag her on because it is not fair to her. Do all similar length marriages feel like good friends with a lack of romantic feelings? I feel my mistake would be leaving a marriage where i had a good friend. Maybe that's how marriages feel. She would be hurt and devastated, but she is also aware of my feelings and it wouldn't be a complete shock. I do know if i left, we would make it as easy as possible for the other. I realize this marriage could be saved, but i want to be able to love someone as much as they love me. It's just hard to leave a relationship where i know that i am loved.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Thank you for that additional info.

Have you ever had or considered counseling?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
We have not had counseling, but i have considered it as an option. However, I am not sure how much it would offer our relationship. i don't want to be closed down to new insight, but i do feel that i would just like to leave. We are both educated professionals and in the past i thought a bigger house and more toys such as a boat and motorcyle would make me feel more complete. I would feel good for a while and then go back to being not happy with the relationship. I enjoy myself more when i do the same activities with friends than i do with my wife. I know i would like to leave, but i just hate the process of going through a divorce.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
You say that you want to keep her as a good friend, you are not in love with her and that you just want to leave. Honestly, if that's the way you feel, although she will initially be upset, you'll want to seriously consider making it final. You are not doing yourself or her a favor by staying in a marriage where you have no love for your spouse. She deserves a chance to have someone love her the way she needs to be love, and you deserve to find real love as well. That 'in-love' feeling is not going to be something you feel everyday in a marriage, sometimes marriage is a lot of hard work, but if you love someone, you commit to it and you're willing to work through anything.

I would however recommend that you try counseling before making the final decision, just to be sure that this is what you want to do. Even if you do decide to part, you may want to think about counseling for yourself, to find out why you've already stayed in this marriage so long, and what were the underlying causes of your cheating. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


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