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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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I am 54 and my wife is 53. We have been married 22 years and

Customer Question

I am 54 and my wife is 53. We have been married 22 years and together for 32. She refuses to make love with me. The last time she asked ME was almost 12 years ago! We make love 2-3 times a year and that is only after I hound her for several nights, randomly over about a month. I am tall and slim, tanned, muscular for my age, have all my hair, don't watch football and do not stink. I even do most of the housework. I have access to Viagra so that is not a problem. She orgasms virtually every time and I know the difference in a fake one. Bringing up the subject of her GYN. health or loss of libido is like setting off a bomb! It makes me fearful to ask for love because she usually launches a tirade about all my problems like snoring or "you don't have a 7 AM meeting in the morning!" She lost her mother this summer and was gone for 2-weeks, the longest we've ever been apart and she would not even hug me. Please help! Dave in Iowa.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-Could you explain her relationship with her parents and childhood?


-Were her and her mother close?


-Did she go through anything else traumatic?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Sorry for the late reply, had to make dinner before my wife got home from work.

Her parents split when she was about 10 and she lived with her mom and new step dad. She had a good life after that.

She was close with her mom but not terribly so. They only talked long distance at the most once a week, some times 2-weeks. As the years went on they would only see each other 3-4 times a year.

Our dog died unexpectedly in February. She and the dog were close. Her step dad died unexpectedly in May and her mom never got over it and died in July.

The problems with no sex started at about age 40 for her. My Urologist who is a Phi Beta Kappa guy says bluntly: "she has a house, a good job and your DNA for the kids. Anything she does for you is a favor from now on.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.




It's totally okay I am on your time whenever you can get back to me is fine. It sounds as though your wife has had a lot to deal with recently which has made things worse but it may depression or something more serious and I think you should suggest to your wife to see someone who can test her and see if she may need medication but I am not a Health Expert but it sounds as though when she hit 40 she got into a funk and hasn't been able to get out of it so in saying that I also suggest your wife seek counseling before it's too late she has been trying to handle everything alone and it has not worked and now it is affecting your sex life and marriage. Marriage counseling could also help you both communicate what the other wants out of the marriage, the fact that it has been 12 years since she asked you to get intimate should have thrown up a red flag that she is going through something where she has lost her sex drive and losing her dog and step father and mother all within a year only intensified her lack of desire to be intimate and if you do not want to lose your wife you have to get her to a Doctor or Psychologist to see if she may be bipolar or something other than that and if she needs to be put on medication.


I really don't think it has anything to do with you I think it is an issues your wife has that makes her unable to show much affection anymore or get intimate the sooner you talk to her about seeing a counselor or Doctor the better she will be able to become maybe with help from medication but you have to get her diagnosed.

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