replied 9 years ago.
Hello again, Ron, and thanks very much for your additional and helpful information.
If she was told by the doctor not to work due to the endo, I'm assuming she was put on bed rest, because you mentioned that you serve her two-three meals a day, in bed. If she's not directed to be on bed rest by a doctor, can she walk to the table to eat? If so, there's no need for you to be serving her meals in bed. She's very young to be in this state, and if she's had the endo for 15 years, that means she was age 11 when it was diagnosed? This is quite unusual. Has she had any treatments or surgeries to try to correct the condition?
If she's able to work from home, and HAS mentioned working, when money needs arise, perhaps looking into telecommuting or finding a job that would enable her to work online, would be a good idea, so discuss this with her and present her with some options.
I'm glad she's seeing a therapist, as this is necessary, due to her depression, but I think at this point, you would both benefit from seeing a marriage counselor, together. If your wife is not able to leave the house, you can find a counselor to come to you.
Xanax is an anti-anxiety medication, but not an anti-depressant, so perhaps you should both speak to her therapist (if s/he's also a doctor, and able to write prescriptions) about starting her on an anti-depressant medication.
Continue to speak to her nicely, and start doing less for her, enabling her to feel and be, more self sufficient. Serving her two- three meals a day in bed, is 'spoiling' her, and that's why she expects you to do everything else in the house. She'll continue to expect this of you, as long as you continue to do everything.
Speaking to you in a hurtful and/or derogatory manner is not right, nor necessary, and you can tell her this, but with a smile, and in a 'discussion', not a 'fight'. You've allowed her to make you feel responsible for every task that needs doing, in addition to working to support your family, and she needs to share this responsibility, since you entered into a 'partnership', when you got married. Has it always been like this, since you got married? Think about what caused you to fall in love with her, to begin with, and try to rediscover those quality in her, now. Share these thoughts with her and tell her that you'd like to reawaken those feelings of love that you both shared when you first met and married. You're both quite young and only married a short time, so you shouldn't be experiencing these types of problems. I'm sure you realize her actions stem from her depression and she pain she may be feeling, from the endometriosis, but if these symptoms can be treated with medications, therapy, and getting out and living life again, she needs to give herself and BOTH of you, this chance.
Let her know when she says something hurtful to you, as she may not be aware of it. She's 'venting' due to her inability to cope with her illnesses, and 'we always hurt the one we love' first, because we feel closest, emotionally to them. She's striking out to try to help make herself feel better, and in the process, making you feel terrible. Make her aware of this every time she does it, and it may help her realize better, what she's doing, and she'll modify her behavior. However, I do think this is a problem that needs professional intervention, at this time, and recommend that both of you see a therapist or marriage counselor, together.
Make a budget (write it out on a chart), and when she asks for money to buy something that is not really a necessity, tell her there is just not enough money in the budget for it, and maybe next month, if your financial situation is better, then. But, always mention that if she were to make some money, she'd have more leeway in spending on 'luxuries' (those items which are not necessities).
I hope things improve for you soon, and you'll need to stand up for yourself, to let her know she's hurting you with her words. I would not listen to the friends who tell you to 'take it' and keep quiet. A marriage is a partnership, and I'm sure she will able to contribute more, if you ask her to, despite her emotional and physical disabilities.
I wish you both the best of luck!