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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Need a reality check here. My gay boyfriend of just over 1

Customer Question

Need a reality check here. My gay boyfriend of just over 1 year and I come from very different backgrounds and value systems. The sex is great even after the first year, and we laugh, talk, etc. We really love each other very much, and are also very good friends. He is 10 years older than I (he's 55), and spent most of his adult life partying, doing drugs, and going to sex clubs and bath houses. I told him that i can understand sex outside of a relationship because I make the separation between emotional and physical monogamy. However, I told him that if we were to be a couple, I could not deal with him going to sex clubs like he used to in the past. This weekend I found a consent card they hand out when you pay the entrance fee to a sex club here in LA. It was very explicit. When I confronted him, he lied and said he knew nothing about it - only when I confronted him the next day did he fess up. he said he lied for my best interest (not to hurt me). what gives?
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Hello Az,

Can you tell me a little more about your different backgrounds and value systems?

How did the two of you meet?

Do you live together? You said "if we were to be a couple", are you a couple?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Hi Chase - no we don't live together. We live 25 miles apart in the LA area. I suppose I'm a bit more reserved about public sex, and worry about sex becoming too much of a sport rather than a emotional thing between two people. He is the opposite, but has really grown to enjoy our time together. I knew that he would eventually hook up with someone else, and I would imagine that I would do that same at some point. But the sex club issue; anonymous sex, barebacking, etc. we are both long-term HIV poz. I was shocked that he denied knowing what the card was I found in the trash. I was blown away. He later said he didn't want to hurt my feelings, and that some things are best left unsaid. I agree, but if there was an exhange of bodily fluids, I need to know. It becomes my business if we are going to have sex together - is it not? I'm reeling from being lied to. I'm more devastated by that than anything.
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
And to answer the other questions in your reply - we consider ourselves boyfriends, but never had that "talk" one day where we said, "You want to be my boyfriend?" He has never said "I love you" unsolicited, but shows his affection toward me more in actions than in words. It took me a while to see that.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Dear, I'm feeling your pain.....but you asked for a reality check and I'm going to have to give it to you. The best indicator of future behavior, is past behavior. If this is the way he's been most of his adult life, its going to be near impossible for him to change barring some life altering experience. You feel one way about things and he feels the total opposite, and that is where things can get ugly. As you know, if he contracts anything else, that could prove deadly to one or both of you, I don't have to sit here and school you on what the ramifications of this disease are, you already know, or you wouldn't be so upset about it. The fact that he lied tells me two things, he's embarrassed by what he did, but not enough to not do it, and he tried to hide're overlooking the most important aspect of this, it's not that he lied, but that if you didn't find the card, you simply would not have known at all! Do you see where I'm coming from? This is just the time he got caught. Being this far into a relationship and finding this out is terrible, not just because emotions are involved, but that you will never know if this is the 1st time or the 100th time. I know you care about him, and I know how hard it can be to find a compatible mate, but if he's not taking this as seriously as you are (and he should) then you have a serious decision to make, and more importantly, your life depends on it. Just because he can act like he has nothing to live for, doesn't mean you have to deal with the fallout. There's no easy answer, only the facts. You have some thinking to do. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
and I needed to hear exactly what you just said - I have been thinking the same thing. we talked at length last night, and he told me that he did not and will not engage in unsafe sex when he does this. but now I'm not sure I can believe anything he says. and that puts me in a very sad position, because I know I am worth so much more than this - life threatening issues aside - I have come too far to allow this to happen to me again. maybe the lesson in this relationship was to have this type of situation happen again in my life, and to see if I would repeat the same behaviour of just allowing it to happen, and make up some excuse why I need to put up with it. I don't feel that way any more - and the funny thing is: he is the one person I have felt so uniquely comfortable with ever. but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I, now at 45, have reached a point where I'm very comfortable with myself and confident in my decisions. i've got a decision to make it appears.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
You are very right...once you are comfortable with yourself, and 'in your own skin' as they say, then you will find that you can be comfortable with other people. By the same token, this is a fork in the road.....will you make excuses for him? I can't stress enough, that had you not found the card, things would be as normal, as if it never happened. Thats scary.

You are worth as much as you think you are worth. There is someone out there who will be willing to love you the way you need to be loved but you have to be strong in your position and decisions. It's too late to make the same mistakes over again, illness aside, you're also not getting any younger. Stress is also a factor, something that you do not need in your life. Every relationship gives us a lesson, it's just sometimes we don't want to learn it. My mother used to say "the cure is always bitter", and sometimes I think she's right because it's not till we are severely confronted to we finally make the decisions that we need to make. Who knows, maybe this will be the experience he needs to make him cut it out, but you can't depend on that, you can only depend on the facts. If he loved you, he wouldn't lie. If he loved you he would protect you and himself, and even more, when will he be ready to move on from that life?

I'm here if you want to talk more. Feel free to ask for me by name anytime you need to talk.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
thank you. oh god this is so hard. when you wrote "If he loved you he would protect you and himself," tears welled up in my eyes. i don't think the man knows how to love anyone. it's probably time for me to begin my exit from this situation, whether gracefully or sloppily - not sure how that will turn out! but i've been through it before. i'll survive, and I do quite well on my own. thank you again for your help on this. just needed an objective 3rd party's opinion on this. thank you!!

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Ok, now you are making me tear up. I'm glad I could help even though it causes pain. I honestly wish you the best of all possible outcomes, and if you need to talk again, I'm always around. Good luck, its going to be hard, but you have a lot of strength inside you, more than you even realize.