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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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To Chase- thanks for your previous follow onto

Resolved Question:

To Chase- thanks for your previous follow onto my question re: how fast to move with a recently separated man, what is your advice about discussing details about whats happening in the divorce- ie conversations with his ex about custody,finances,etc.- I know my b/f wants me to be his lover/bestfriend/sounding board- but i sometimes find it to be overwhelming since he doesnt have a good support network around him and no lawyer to help with the serious questions. How do I convey that I dont always want to KNOW every detail about the divorce (as it sometimes shows me a side of him that i dont want to see right now-nothing violent but rather just petty-but I do understand it since she left him and took his kids so he is hurt right now)..Im a very independant woman, have always relied on myself- and although I feel deeply for him-sometimes I just want to say": Stop being a victim and DO something about it"...ofcourse I cant say do I get through this period with him?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Thats a tough one....because quite honestly you are darned if you do and darned if you don't, and anything you say in this period could come back to bite you at a later date. If he's experiencing real issues that you think he should have a lawyer for, and he can't afford a lawyer, then he may want to consider looking into his county's legal aid office. They can offer him little to no cost legal advice. Of course you can't tell him you don't want to hear it, and the very last thing you want to do is bash his ex because although he wants to bash her now, she is still the mother of his child/children, and the very best thing for all involved, ESPECIALLY the children is to see both parents getting along or at the very least acting civilly to one another. You're in a position where you can rev him up and make him madder (which some women do because they think it will help keep the wife away from their new man) or you can take the more mature route and encourage him to try and work things out in a civilized manner, even if it means swallowing his pride a bit. Most women won't go that route out of fear that he may go back to the wife, but the truth is, if he's ever going to go back, he won't need your help to do so.

People do get petty when they are hurt, and you have to figure out a way to show him that he may need help or he may need to get more on the ball with things. At the very least you can listen and not feed into the conversation....of course don't bring it up, but when he talks about it, just listen and try to refrain from asking questions or feeding into it. Maybe he just needs to talk to get it off of his chest, or sometimes people talk to work things out in their heads. I find many men are lost in these types of situations, and haven't a clue how to handle all of that be a help when you can and think he needs it, and other than that step back and let him deal with it.

I'm here if you want to talk more.

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