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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My husband talks to many women in chat rooms online. He talks

Resolved Question:

My husband talks to many women in chat rooms online. He talks dirty to them as they respond dirty to him and lately I found he sent 1 girl a picture of himself fully clothed and recieved 3 pictures from her. Two of which were very seductive. Although she lives in Canada and we live in Texas I still feel this is very wrong! He feels he has done no wrong because there is no physical contact. Am I making something out of nothing?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Curious,

How long have you been together/married?

Did you have a problem with him talking dirty, or just with the pictures?

Has he always done this online?

If not how di you find out?

What are your ages?

How would he feel if you were doing it?

Has he ever cheated?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

We have been married for six years, together for eight years. I knew he had always looked at porn online, but within the last year I have noticed sites like "ashley madison" and "sugardaddyforme" on the history on our computer. I noticed he had yahoo messenger on his laptop which he does not use for email, his email is hotmail. So I made up an account for myself serving as someone else, found him in chat and proceeded to see what it was he "chatted" about. Which he always told me it was innocent coversation when he was bored at work. Without him knowing it was me we talked very dirty back and forth and even made a "meeting place" for if we ever met up, because my character i made was only 200miles away. I then asked if he were married he replied yes to me and i guess i asked to many wife questions. As he got home he said he knew it was me all along, but I don't believe that he did. He has never cheated on me that I know of. He is a very passionate man and has loved me well, but I get annoyed with the chatting and the porn sites. I don't like either the dirty talk to another woman or the exchanging of pictures. I'm not sure how often the chatting occurs, but I know the porn is atleast three to five times a week. We have a good sex life, three times a week or more, but we have a three year old so he doesn't understand the "im tired" sometimes as I work as a full time cosmetologist also. We hardly fight, but when we do it's because of this issue. We are both 26 high school sweethearts. I cheated way before we were married back in high school with a bf i dated for 3 years. So I don't know if I'm parannoyed he too will someday "pay me back" yes I check up from time to time on him, but I always find these things. And ofcourse he throws in my face that I am checking on him. Hope this helps, please help!!

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Thank you for the additional info. What scares me is that he went along with creating a meeting place. This tells me that given the opportunity he might cheat. There shouldn't be an argument about it, if it's something that you feel is detrimental to your marriage then he should, as you husband, take your fears seriously. Looking at porn and chatting with real women are two totally different ballgames, and he knows this. He's playing with fire, and at some point he's going to either back off, or take it to the next level. You have to talk about it, but not in a argumentative type of way, you have to explain to him that you were somewhat ok with the porn, but talking to real women, is cheating....even the implication o setting up any type of meeting is cheating. If you were ok with him talking dirty to other women that would be one thing, but you're not and he needs to respect that. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
He said he knew it was me and that was the only reason he made the meeting place. But I'm not totally convinced he did. I feel cheated. I have talked to him about it and he feels it's not because of the no physical contact. He tells me he would not be mad if the shoes were on the other feet if it were me doing this, but I know better. and because of my past he brings up I cannot argue with my wrong doings. I cannot get through to how I feel about this as a woman. He says doing this is better than going out and physically doing it, but it almost feels just as bad to me. He flat out lied this last time about not seeing the 2 dirty pictures this woman emailed just the one of her fully clothed he said he'd seen, but honestly how does that happen. I messenged her on my msn messenger acting as him and we talked and I asked her about the conversation we had before and not to my suprise there was some dirty talk. He told me they never talked dirty, so how do I go about telling him I talked to this woman myself? As a woman how would you feel if this were your husband?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
You said you cheated on him before you got married, and yet he still decided to move forward with marrying you. I would take that to mean he has forgiven you and I would have no part of bringing it up. Either he's accepted or he's not, which one is it? If he hasn't accepted it, then you'll need to seriously consider counseling.....just the fact that he's bringing it up makes me feel like you need to be considering it anyway. The lying is a terrible sign, it means that he's comfortable lying to you and he may lie about other things as well. As his wife, you have every right to know what he's doing, and if he was on the up, he would give you his passwords, and not mind any checking up, especially since he's lied more than twice.

My personal feelings would be, he is either committed to this marriage or he's not. If something makes you uncomfortable, then he should take it seriously and give serious thought about stopping. What's more important, your wife or some dirty talk on the computer. You already talked to him dirty once, you can do it again if he needs it. You could take it to another level and start talking dirty to guys, I know you probably wouldn't want to, but just out of wondering how he would feel about it, but the downside is it might only make him do it more. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is he needs to be more concerned with your feelings than he is.

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