Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship

My 15 year relationship ended approximately a year ago. He

Customer Question
My 15 year relationship ended...
My 15 year relationship ended approximately a year ago. He was truly the love of my life, and I miss him terribly. He ended it, and almost immediately started dating someone else, that he is still dating. I have never stopped loving him, and I am still hoping he will come back one day. He knows how I feel. Here is my dilema...he calls me about 3-4 times a month, and we usually talk for an hour or more catching up etc. I never call him. Sometimes I don't answer his calls because I'm afraid of breaking down and I don't want to do that to him or myself. I have some serious health issues that I don't know if I should share with him or not, and more importantly I don't know what is the best way to deal with his phone calls. Of course I love talking to him. Should I keep talking to him when he calls? Would it be better to ignore his calls. Should I ask him not to call? What gives me the best chance of him wanting me back?
Submitted: 9 years ago.Category: Relationship
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 5 minutes by:
8/25/2008
Counselor: JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional replied 9 years ago
JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
Verified

Hi Julia,

 

I am a clinical psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question. It would help me to better assist you if you could answer these questions:

 

What are your ages?

 

Why did he end the relationship?

 

Were you married?

 

Have you ever been in another serious, long-term relationship?

 

Are there any children involved?

 

What do you get out of talking to him on the phone? What does it do for you? How does it hurt you?

 

Thanks.

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 9 years ago

Thank you for replying so fast.

I am 55 and he is 47. From our appearance no one would ever notice an age difference. He has always said that age would never be an issue, but honestly I did sometimes feel that he might one day feel he had missed out on some things. Due more to his young 1st marriage based on an unplanned pregnancy, than our relationship. He became a father before he was ready, and I know he always felt trapped.

 

When we met he was raising a 4yr old and a 6 yr old. I was raising my children- 8yrs, 10yrs, 16yrs and17yrs. I had been married for18 years to someone who was very abbusive. We fell in love and lived together for 6yrs trying to create a blended family. We were unprepared for trying to raise 6 children in a blended family, and we both had exes that did everything they could to create havok in our lives.

 

At a low moment in our relationship he turned away from me and came very close to having an affair with his ex., it devestated me. We loved each other very much but I became overwhelmed and made the decision that we needed to live in seperate houses until the children all graduated from high school. I have lived to regret that decision, I know it hurt him and my step-children very much. For financial reasons we had never legally married, so moving to sperate houses was too easy.

 

We were engaged to actually get married June of 2007, when he suddenly broke it off. The reason he gave was being unable to completely forgive me for that decision to break us apart years ago. He never felt I truly understood how damaging that decision had been. He was right. I had convinced myself it was justified.

 

After I lost him I went into therapy and did a lot of soul searching. It took time for me to accept my accountability, and we have talked about that at great length. He denies this, but I firmly believe if this girl he's dating hadn't been in the picture we would have weathered the storm and be on our way to having that life we always dreamed and talked about. But I also might have never been forced to acknowledge my role in the past .

 

When he calls I just love to hear his voice. I sometimes fear something could happen to him and I wouldn't even know. I suppose I'm always hoping that he misses me and will one day say he wants to see me. Hoping that the relationship he's in is just a passing mid-life crisis. We never talk about us or the past, he knows from letters I wrote him when we first broke up how much I love him and believe we belong together. I would never bring "us" up, I don't want to push or pressure him. I'm sure I would start crying, being apart from him is very sad for me. On the phone I try to sound O.K. and up-beat. I stear clear of anything that might make me be emotional.

 

I just wonder if I'm doing the right thing by talking to him at all, and trying to hide my sadness. I want him to come back and I don't want to sabotage any chance of that happening. I really don't know what to do. Any advice is welcome. Oh yea, I see his children and communicate with them independently of him, we have a good relationship. And we never discuss him or his girlfriend. Thank you

Counselor: JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional replied 9 years ago

Julia,

 

Wow! That is one mixed up situation you have got there. Forgive me if I am blunt, but I think you are in need of this answer. The whole situation sounds a little odd to me. Your ex's behavior sounds somewhat childish and as you said, like a "midlife crisis." However, I am concerned about your attitude regarding your decision to move out years ago. You were absolutely 200% correct to move your children out of that blended home and into their own home. Blended families create sooooo much stress on children, especially when you have 6 kids...my goodness! Wow. You actually made the correct choice mom. You were protective of your children...which is and should always be priority number 1 in your life. You made a wise decision to leave the house. In fact, I rarely advise clients to get involved in a romantic dating relationship until their children are over the age of 18. If you asked me back then, I would have told you to focus on your children and tell this guy he would have to wait until the children were out of the house. People try to make this work all the time...unfortunately, real life is not the Brady Bunch. You experienced firsthand what it can be like and I'm sure it was very hard for your children. So as far as your guilt is concerned.....get rid of it! You did the right thing...I am actually proud of you for making that decision. You were not selfish...good for you!

 

As far as this man is concerned, you are no longer in a relationship with him....so why are you still talking to him? He made his decision a year ago. He decided he was going to give you some silly excuse for leaving you and run off and pursue his midlife crisis. My God.....this is not the type of man one should pine after. Having lived in an abusive relationship, you probably aren't even aware of what a good man looks like. Guess what...your ex is being abusive to you NOW! By calling you, he is abusing you. You just do not see it. He is torturing you and you put up with it just so you can hear his voice. It is time that you move on from this relationship. Your behavior is, frankly, unhealthy at this point. He is probably having a great time keeping you dangling from his hook. Meanwhile, you suffer emotionally and mentally. This man did not leave you because you decided to move into another apartment way back. He was planning on marrying you for goodness sake! He left because he is selfish and childish! Even at his age...you can behave like a child instead of an adult. You do not deserve this treatment. Your intuition serves you well....You know you should not be talking to him anymore. You know it is bad for you....but you just can't bring yourself to let go. JUST

LET GO! Now is the time to move on! You cannot bring him back to you. He made his choice and you must let him make it. You know this to be true but you don't want to accept it. Now is the time to work on acceptance...not denial. Tell him that you no longer want to talk to him because it is too hard for you to move on.

 

If you found this helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my time. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy. Please request me for future questions by typing "question for JR" in the subject line.

JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
Verified
JR, M.A. and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask JR, M.A. Your Own Question
JR, M.A.
JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
184 Satisfied Customers
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.

JR, M.A. is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,720 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

338 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
My wife and I have been married 40 years. In sorting photos
My wife and I have been married 40 years. In sorting photos I noticed while organizing our old photos that she kept a number of photos (7 or 8) of an old boy friend. She dated him off and on for about… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
446 satisfied customers
I am a 38-year-old male and work full-time in
Hello I am a 38-year-old male and work full-time in law-enforcement. Over five years ago I met a woman through my work and her daughter was 11 at the time. She was with somebody then so I thought noth… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My girlfriend and I were dating for around a year and we
my girlfriend and I were dating for around a year and we attend the same church . We had both been out of long term relationships and healed each other before forming our own relationship. We were going great and madly Inlove .her behavior was amazing towards me with no signs of changing for the worse up until November 2017 we were having these tiny but annoying arguments mostly caused by me and my trust issues I will admit . So I called her one morning to make up for an argument we had the night before and she suddenly tells me she doesn't love me anymore and she does not want the relationship anymore . I freeze but go about the usual desperate plead and beg route which made her even more upset . We attend church that Sunday and when she sees me she feels the love again and we speak normal for 2 weeks not officially together yet but making moves she evens sends me a detailed email telling me how impressed she is and it will help us going forward . I push to hard the next day of this email and upset her all over again. That weekend before Christmas 2017 she goes totally cold towards me and destroys me in a phone call and tells me I am obsessed with her etc. she drops me a further bombshell the week of Christmas by telling me she is going to meet her ex for breakfast and I need to be mature about it . I decide then and there I am done with this and I cut off all contact with her . No calls or texts and emails . So about 2 weeks go by and she sends me a text ‘hey you have just crossed my mind hope you are well' I respond 5 hours later with ‘I am well . Hope you well,take care' the next week she sends me a pointless text to which I just respond with thank you and this week she sends me a long detailed apology email informing me that she is sorry for pain she had caused me and I am truly a great guy and she doesn't understand why she had so much built up anger toward me and till this day she can't seem to know why she got so upset with me and she doesn't deserve me etc . I responded with a simple thanks for the apology and she said she does not know why she took so long to apologize something just held her back . I don't hate her at all it not in my nature to hold grudges but this girl ruined my holidays and told me really hurtful stuff while she was out having a blast . And now suddenly she feels apologetic. Please advise … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Whenever I'm talking to a girl, I get incredibly jealous
Whenever I'm talking to a girl, I get incredibly jealous when they mention or are with hanging other guys. (I'm a 20 year old guy) I don't know why though, I don't like getting jealous but I can't hel… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
If he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, why
If he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, why doesnt he leave instead of giving me false hope?… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My boyfriend has depression, sleeps most of the time, is
My boyfriend has depression, sleeps most of the time, is awake when I'm not with him, doesn't want to sleep in the same bed because he wants to stretch out, be alone, and most recently tells me that I… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
If you are there I would like to describe the situation,
Jen, if you are there I would like to describe the situation, which I asked you about yesterday, in more detail as I would value your opinion.… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated
second opinion] Hi. A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated very casually before he moved about 1 ½ years ago to California from Ohio & since then we really didn't stay in touch. … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
Before I was officially dating my boyfriend I was flirting
Before I was officially dating my boyfriend I was flirting with another guy while I was talking to my current boyfriend. I never told him and tried to hide it. Now he knows and is questioning my trust… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Is my gf avoidant attachment type or secure... or a little
Is my gf avoidant attachment type or secure... or a little of each? Im an insecure anxious attachment type for sure.... i always need reassurance and stuff from my gf... my gf in the beginning was alr… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
We are not dating but I've known him for 15 years, we met at
We are not dating but I've known him for 15 years, we met at work I thought he was good looking we hit it off as friends. He had me staying over his place a lot, then I found out he was gay/bi I start… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My question is about a possible beginning to a relationship.
Hello this is Brian, my question is about a possible beginning to a relationship … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
Is it normal for your boyfriend to constantly have his ex
Is it normal for your boyfriend to constantly have his ex girlfriend come over to visit even though you tell him to it really bothers you… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My girlfriend of 10 years suddenly broke up. I have
My girlfriend of 10 years suddenly broke up. I have chirldren with a previous partner and we still keep the family house and gather. But my family has not accepted my new partner 'although she is ever… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Boyfriend of 1 year newly divorced from unhappy 30+year
Boyfriend of 1 year newly divorced from long unhappy 30+year marriage told me he keeps thinking bout old girlfriend and how he has always wondered about her and how/where she is. … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated
Hi. A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated very casually before he moved about 1 ½ years ago to California from Ohio & since then we really didn't stay in touch. So I was a bit s… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My wife goes to a high-end restaurant bar / restaurant on a
My wife goes to a high-end restaurant bar / restaurant on a Sunday for brunch, She start 3 hours and gets rather trashed with her alcoholic Mother of which we do not like each other. Keep in mind that… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Not sure how to move on from this if he cant trust me. Ok,
not sure how to move on from this if he cant trust me. Ok, My boyfriend and I and my two teenage daughters live together. I gave him the consent to record my daughter because we were trying to catch h… read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x