Thank you for replying so fast.
I am 55 and he is 47. From our appearance no one would ever notice an age difference. He has always said that age would never be an issue, but honestly I did sometimes feel that he might one day feel he had missed out on some things. Due more to his young 1st marriage based on an unplanned pregnancy, than our relationship. He became a father before he was ready, and I know he always felt trapped.
When we met he was raising a 4yr old and a 6 yr old. I was raising my children- 8yrs, 10yrs, 16yrs and17yrs. I had been married for18 years to someone who was very abbusive. We fell in love and lived together for 6yrs trying to create a blended family. We were unprepared for trying to raise 6 children in a blended family, and we both had exes that did everything they could to create havok in our lives.
At a low moment in our relationship he turned away from me and came very close to having an affair with his ex., it devestated me. We loved each other very much but I became overwhelmed and made the decision that we needed to live in seperate houses until the children all graduated from high school. I have lived to regret that decision, I know it hurt him and my step-children very much. For financial reasons we had never legally married, so moving to sperate houses was too easy.
We were engaged to actually get married June of 2007, when he suddenly broke it off. The reason he gave was being unable to completely forgive me for that decision to break us apart years ago. He never felt I truly understood how damaging that decision had been. He was right. I had convinced myself it was justified.
After I lost him I went into therapy and did a lot of soul searching. It took time for me to accept my accountability, and we have talked about that at great length. He denies this, but I firmly believe if this girl he's dating hadn't been in the picture we would have weathered the storm and be on our way to having that life we always dreamed and talked about. But I also might have never been forced to acknowledge my role in the past .
When he calls I just love to hear his voice. I sometimes fear something could happen to him and I wouldn't even know. I suppose I'm always hoping that he misses me and will one day say he wants to see me. Hoping that the relationship he's in is just a passing mid-life crisis. We never talk about us or the past, he knows from letters I wrote him when we first broke up how much I love him and believe we belong together. I would never bring "us" up, I don't want to push or pressure him. I'm sure I would start crying, being apart from him is very sad for me. On the phone I try to sound O.K. and up-beat. I stear clear of anything that might make me be emotional.
I just wonder if I'm doing the right thing by talking to him at all, and trying to hide my sadness. I want him to come back and I don't want to sabotage any chance of that happening. I really don't know what to do. Any advice is welcome. Oh yea, I see his children and communicate with them independently of him, we have a good relationship. And we never discuss him or his girlfriend. Thank you