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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Is it wrong of me to feel upset about poetry my FIANCE has wrote in the past about hi

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My fiance and I are in the process of moving from the first apt we shared together. He was already living at this apt and then i moved in months later. but we are in the process of moving and I have come across piles of poetry he has writen in the past all related to his ex-wife. i dont see much written about anything else but her. i would rather he trash it and he claims i am jealous and that i am putting down his gift for writing. how would you feel?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:


-How long have you been together?


-How long ago did he write the poetry?


-When are your planning on getting married?


-Why does this bother you so much if it was from the past?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

-How long have you been together? 4 years (living together 2 years)


-How long ago did he write the poetry? some in 2002, some in 2005 which was about their breakup and when him and i were getting together


-When are your planning on getting married? next August


-Why does this bother you so much if it was from the past? i feel that if it wasnt all about her i wouldnt mind so much, but because its all about her and he wont get rid of it just makes me feel that she was a big loss to him. it makes me feel like she was so much more to him that i will ever be. he claims it means nothing, its just about HIM and that they are just worlds that may be worth something someday.

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.




I wouldn't be too upset it may have been a type of healing process for him and allowed him to heal fast through his written word. Many people write about break ups and traumatic experiences in their life it is a means of therapy through words and writing their feelings down on paper or what a relationship meant to them. It he says he isn't getting rid of the poetry because he feels they may be worth something some then you have to believe that he is telling you the truth because he may feel that you do not trust him even when he reassures you that he no longer has feelings for the ex. If he hasn't given you reason yet to not trust him more than likely you have ever reason to trust him because he has made a life with you now and has asked you to be his wife. Maybe you should allow him to have memories through his poetry because that is all it is (memories) because as far as you know his hasn't written anything else about her since the two of you have been together and if that is the case then he is very well over her or else he would have continued to write about her in his poetry but he stopped after you became serious so that should tell you that you were more than enough for him and he doesn't want anyone else. Just be glad he had a healing process and doesn't have to harp on the past like many people do, it was a type of closure for him so allow him that and move on with moving in and getting married and be happy.


A lot of people go many years and even decades still pine secretively over an ex without finding some way letting go but your fiancé find a way through his written words to let go and move on (with you) and it may have even made him a better mate because he came in without any baggage from the past.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
thank you!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


You're welcome and if you ever need help don't hestitate to come back and ask for me by name if I was helpful to you. Please press the green accept button if you found my answer helpful and also leave feedback for my advice.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
the only other thing that bothers me is that he wrote so much about her while with her and has written barely any of me.... it just makes me feel that i'm not as special to him as she was.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


One more question, have you asked him about that and if so, what was his reply to that?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

he became very upset about the entire situation... so i wasnt able to say much... i tried mentioning that to him but didnt get much out of him. he did say due to the way i was being was the reason why he doesnt write but that isnt valid because ive never sd anything in the past 4 yrs we have been together.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
he also claims our relationship is so different than the one he had w/his ex... they didnt get along, they werent friends, they didnt have any intimacy, etc... but he says he has all this in me.... he says it was all in his head, that he wrote so much to convince himself that something fake was real. could this be a valid point?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.




As to the why he doesn't write about you only he can answer that question for you and tell you why but him saying it's the way you are acting isn't a fair answer because like you said you hadn't said anything in the 4 years of dating and since you are about to get married and make such a huge step this is an answer that is a very valid one because you don't want to marry someone that is hung up on their ex but I just don't feel that is the case or he would still be writing about her, he may not be able to see why you are so hung up on why he wrote the poetry. He may not feel he needs to write poetry about you because you are everything he wants in a wife but you need to tell him that you feel inadequate to the ex because he doesn't write such poetry about you and tell him that the words he wrote about her made you feel like he thought more of her than he does you.


It's your right to know if he still harbors feelings for his ex and if he truly loves you more than the ex because marriage is such a huge deal you don't want to go into a marriage with someone who may have feelings for their ex but I really don't think that is the case, really believe he did it for some type of healing process but you have to talk to him about this and explain to him that you are not trying to sound like the jealous fiancé but you want to know these things before you dedicate the rest of your life to him and you want to know that you have him mind, body and soul and not just part of him. He may have written the poetry wishing things were the way he wrote them in his poems and that is why he wrote it, I think he is telling the truth about how unhealthy that relationship was and that everything he wrote he may have found in you but you have to ask him these questions to get the answer you want.

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