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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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Hello, my wife of 5 years (29 years old), has recently gained

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Hello, my wife of 5 years (29 years old), has recently gained weight. Although not very much, about 6 kg, she does not look good with the new weight, and I am only sexually attracted to fit girls. OK, i accept any harsh criticism about me, but I cannot change myself and start becoming sexually attracted to fat girls. The real problem is that I see her as lazy for not wanting to go to the gym with me (I am very fit myself) and she does not watch what she eats. To make things worse, she really believes that she looks good, fat or fit, and that the problem lies within me, that I should "learn" how to like her being fat. She has been struggling with her weight ever since we got married. The main problem, is her not wanting to do anything to change her diet habit and get into an exercise regime. I do not tell her she is fat, I just say nothing, absolutely no comments, but deep inside, I am enraged, I even feel hatred towards her. I cannot have sex with her. Thanks for helping.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:


-Has she asked why you won't get intimate with her sexually?


-Have you asked her to go to the gym with you?


-Why won't you tell her how you truly feeling?


-Did she have a problem with weight before you got married?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.

Thanks for your questions. I will answer them one by one:


1. Has she asked why you won't get intimate with her sexually?


Yes. I tell her I simply have no libido.


2. Have you aksed her to go to the gym with you?


Yes. She goes once in while and it is a struggle getting her to the gym and if she is there, while I am sweating in my workout, she merely walks (speed 3 or 4) on the treadmill. She is not into sports. It is pointless with her. She is young (29) and her weight is not overly excessive, about 72 kg (she is 168 cm tall).


3. Why don't you tell her how you truly feel?


Because she has a huge temper and she is going to raise hell. She has told me throughout our 5 years marriage that if she even gets fat, I have to love her for it. I am afraid if I tell her she is fat, she is going to turn the situation around like I am some sort of monster who is supposed to love her no matter what she looks like and that other men desire her even with the weight on ... bla bla bla ... She even tells me that she has no problem if I get fat -- as a matter of fact, she does not like to see me fit.


4. Did she have a problem with weight before you got married?


No. But she was very young, 24 at the time. Her mother is overweight and her father is skinny, and she has always maintained that she has her father genes and she can eat whatever she wants and not exercise, and that it will not affect her weight. I can say her eating habits were extremely bad when I met her (a lot of sprites, fried food, salami, french fries, pizza ...), and we always fought over this. She has improved her diet being around me, but everytime she spends the summer (2 months) in Russia with her mom, she puts on some 6 - 10 kgs and we go through "hell" in winter trying to take off the excess weight, and I MANAGE, BUT AT THE COST OF DESTROYING OUR RELATIONSHIP. Even worse, my daughter gets overweight when she is with her Mom in Russia.


(If it matters, her ethnicity is Russian).


5. Could you explain your situation a little more?

I think I have done so. If you need more questions, I would be happy to answer. I think, on my side, I have a problem that I am very picky with the women I sleep with (I do not cheat on my wife), but what I mean is before marriage, and even after marriage (I do get some fantasies), and it is always with fit girls. I am absolutely not attracted to non-fit women. I have respect for people whatever they look, and i can make friendship, but when it comes to sex, you understand, it is a different equation.



Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.




Thank you for your quick replies to my questions so that I can better help you with your question to JustAnswer and also thank you for being honestly though it is brutally honest it's honest nevertheless. If you are not happy in your relationship because of your wife's weight then you need to talk to her about that isntead of letting it go and getting angrier with her as she gains the weight. Though in marriage you should accept your mate through the good and the bad you have to tell them that you are not happy or else they will not know this on their own. Maybe instead of making it about what you desire maybe try telling her you are afraid of her health with the weight gain that it isn't healthy for her or your daughter to learn bad eating habits.


If you make about how you are feeling about her weight she is going to see you as insensitive and selfish and you don't want to come off that way. If it is affecting your relationship with her to the point that you don't feel attracted to her then you need to say something to her before it gets worse. Ask her more often to go to the gym with you or take a walk along with the daughter. It seems your wife got comfortable just sitting around and eating and not exercising it off and so it accumulated into extra pounds. She may be saying she is okay with the weight gain because she doesn't want to live in the gym or exercise. If you are not happy why let it go until it gets to the point that you may want to look else where or even end the marriage, you haven't given your wife the opportunity to maybe try to fix whatever is wrong. In a relationship communication is a must and it just doesn't seem like you are communicating what you want out of the relationship and what makes you happy because you are afraid of an argument from your wife.


I think you should suggest Marriage counseling and talk about this before its too late, you are allowing your wife to think that you are okay with the way she looks and the weight she has gained but that is doing more harm than good. She is pushing her bad eating habits on your daughter and it seems like you are upset about that also but she won't know there is a problem until you tell her there is one. The fact that you don't want to get intimate with her because of this can be very dangerous because she has to feel wanted in her marriage and you have to feel connected to her in order for the marriage to survive and if either of you aren't getting the attention you need it can possibly lead to finding it else where and you don't want that to happen, do you? It would be better to just talk to her and be honest than to keep a closed mouth and get more angry and hostile. A counselor could possibly help you talk to your wife about her weight without sound mean or selfish and this is the approach you want to take right now.


You are missing two key aspects of marriage and relationships: Communication and Intimacy and that can become a huge problem if it hasn't already. You have to approach the topic in a compassionate way so not to sound vain and uncaring so be careful how you say it and when you say it so not to set her off but I really think a counselor would be beneficial right now because they are better able to defuse the situation if your wife gets mad because you have an issue with her weight. Just consider it and also be honest with your wife about the way you are feel instead of living a lie and leading her to believe everything is okay when it definitely isn't.

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