i've been home and awake all night (it's 1:47am now)reading and contemplating. today is day 100 of my sobriety, and all beth could say to that is "good for you." cheerily enough, i just might have expected more. each day, i'm having an easier time sorting out the bad from the good. stinkin' thinkin' is my specialty.
i'm moving out of this house, the payment is too much of a stress strain. beth calls the mortgage "a noose around my neck" and i know she attributes my medical event to the stress that goes along with the payment. so i looked at apartments today and had to deal with the embarrassment of asking for special treatment regarding the term of the lease "because my wife and i are separated, and if we get back together..." i can almost see the look in the apt mgr's eyes, like, yeah, right.
anyway dealt with my first dose of rejection from wife tonite, some irony worked itself in though. i asked her if she wanted to go to dinner. she said "you don't understand chris. there hasn't been one day in the last year that i have been able to just relax after work."
luckily, i hadn't given her my handmade "day of relaxation gift certificate yet. so i took the kids to eat, brought them back, gave her the hand made gc and boom! smile on her face! and i saw her eyes today, sparkle, you can't fake that! i wish she wasn't so damned guarded with her emotions
oh yeah, got another "this is my husband, chris" intro today. this is significant, or am i reading too much in?
Question jr, is this: i think it's pretty clear that i'm making the effort. should i expect any reciprocation? i'd sure like to see a little give back on the effort, you know?
UPDATE!!! just had lunch with my lovely princess. today is the first day we've "talked" about US since the separation. one thing she revealed was "when we we're dating, i loved you so much and wanted you to love me so much that i played dumb for you. i wanted you to think you were so smart." and that "when we were together, i could never acheive all the goals i had for us" then she reviewed financial and other goals. many of the things i'm doing are proving out for her. i truly believe we are going to be together again. i told her my counselor dr. rice "figures a separation was inevitable between us for our individual growth" and i told her my thoughts on getting back together too soon (bad idea, we need to grow individually, mature in those areas that need it) and she seemed comfortable with that concept. we talked about my "near death" moments after my stroke. that girl still loves me. i can feel it at times like today.