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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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Id like to ask about relationship breakup. My exbf and I were

Customer Question

I'd like to ask about relationship breakup. My exbf and I were in a long-distance relationship; he in US, I in Japan. He initiated our relationship & we were happy seeing each other every other month. He told me he loved me, asked if I would stay with him for a "very long time", asked if I would have his baby, and hinted a very long relationship. But I ended up finding out that he had been cheating on me; while we were dating he met another girl, slept around, asked her to move in, and eloped behind my back. I found out 2days after their marriage when I called and she answered the phone. I trusted him...but he was such a good lier, hided all, and took advantage of me. Because of this I spent $3000 on flights to go see him, $2000 on phone bills etc while he was cheating that I never would have spent if I knew he was deceiving me. Can I get that back from him? I am also emotionally damaged, have been out of work only earning 66% from insurance for months...& am suffering from depression.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 9 years ago.

Hi Customer,


I am a psychologist, so I can answer your question from a psychological perspective, not a legal one. I suggest that you post this post in the legal section if you would like to know more about your legal rights regarding the phone calls and flights; however, because you were not married to this man, I do not believe you will be entitled to any of his money. Nevertheless, it may be worth it for you to post in the legal category. With respect to your mental health, I would certainly not be surprised if you were suffering from depression. Your situation is very devastating and distressing. Everything you believed in has been taken from you by this man. Your trust has been shattered and you probably feel terrible about the whole thing. You may be suffering from what is called an Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood. People who experience significant negative life events may have a depressogenic reaction...which is likely the case for you. Now, if this depression lasts for more than 6 months, it may be more serious. If it has only been a short time...this is a normal reaction to a very stressful life event. I suggest that you go to see a psychotherapist if you can. You will want to find a psychologist to talk to about your recent break up. It will help you to feel better and get a different perspective on the situation. This is not your just got involved with a bad, abusive guy. He took advantage of you and abused your trust in him. It is most unfortunate and very sad. Nonetheless, you can make it through this terrible situation. You can let this destroy you or you can use it to make you a stronger woman. No one deserves this kind of treatment. You can find someone much better than him. Please seek out professional help and talk to a doctor about going to therapy. If you depression gets much worse, you might consider seeing a psychiatrist to consider medication to help you feel better.


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Customer: replied 9 years ago.

Thank you very much for your reply. I tried posting on the legal section, and the chances are slim since I wasn't married to this guy. But he did lie over and over to me, and deceived me, took advantage of me, and made me spend my money on him so I have heard I still can file for court If I wish... and make him humiliated...


You have suggested me to go see a psychiatrist, and actually I already have been seeing him since June, 2007, and I already have been taking medication for depression, anxiety, and sleep inducers. I have been taking a sick leave from work since February of this year. I have been feeling better than 6 months ago, but still sometimes I remember what he said or did to me, and get very much frustrated. It is so unfair that the person who hurted me moved on so easily and seems happy, when I am having difficulties getting over the whole issue. The breakup itself is less of an issue - the experience of being betrayed by somebody you trusted the MOST is very much hurting. I am probably too naive.


I can only wish that they would not work out eventually - since they dated for 3 months and got engaged, and moved in and eloped in 6 months. Since he was such a good lier I hope he stays the same and does it again and in different ways eventually to the girl he married.


I know wishing for bad things is not healthy, but right now sometimes I can't stop but thinking about it. I am looking for a trigger that would change my mind... to really realize that he wasn't actually worth it and it was better for me to break up with him.


I really hope the saying "What goes around comes around" is true... and they will face some critical issues during their relationship. If you have any statistics about couples who marry who dated less than a year, or trends about repeated liers and cheaters, would you be able to share it with me? It may help me gain peace of mind.


Thank you very much.



Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 9 years ago.

Hi Customer,


I know you must be very angry at him for what he did to you. Although you may be naive, it does not justify what happened to you. You are looking for peace of mind, yet you are worrying constantly about a man who treated you like garbage. Any man who treats a woman like this is less than scum in my opinion. You are blessed to be rid of such vermin. Honestly, his leaving you is the best thing he could have ever done for you. As far as trends are concerned, I can assure you that people like this man live very unhappy lives. They bounce from one person to another...unfortunately, they leave devastation behind them. Remember this....The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. If he cheated on you....he will most assuredly cheat on the next woman who is unfortunate enough to be in a relationship with him. You have been wounded but in time your wound will heal. You will not forget what he did to you but you can certainly learn something from it. He will never be happy living the way he is living. This man is not worth your time...even in thought! Is this the type of man you dreamed about as a little girl? Would you want to marry a man like this? I'm guessing not. Whenever you start to think about him...just remind yourself that he is complete scum and will just continue to hurt women. Rejoice in the fact that he can never hurt you again. Feel bad for those women he hurts in the future. They do not deserve what is coming to them either. As for couples who date less than one year, there is not a whole lot of chance of having a lasting relationship. Why is that? Because people often times conceal who they really are in relationships until about 2 to 3 years into the relationship. People tend to try so hard up front to present themselves as nice and loving, but after a couple of years the real person tends to come out. Couples who marry before really getting to know the other person often go through bitter divorces and develop cynical attitudes about marriage. I'm guessing that there is zero chance of your ex staying with his current honey. You really ought not concern yourself with him though. You can try to embarrass him if you want, but it won't heal your pain. The only thing that will heal your pain is time. I suggest that you contact a psychologist and get into therapy. Medication will not change your thinking. It is your thinking that is causing your depression and anxiety. Therapy can help you to adjust your thinking. You are so lucky to be out of this relationship. Be glad that you do not have children with this man...cause it would ruin their lives. You have a chance at happiness in the future. If you were with him, you would be doomed to unhappiness and affairs. SMILE! You still have a chance to find that man you once dreamed about! He is out there if you will be patient and keep your eyes open. Best wishes!





Customer: replied 9 years ago.

Thank you very much. I will consider therapy as another method of trying to get me back in the swing of things in addition to going to my psychiatrist and getting medication.


I really hope my ex ends up not being happy with her... in 2-3 years. I guess time will tell, and hopefully I will feel better about my life before that. During the beginning of our relationship he always told me he "became a better person" by meeting me, and I asked why a couple of times but he never gave me an answer. I thought he couldn't tell me why because he used to cheat on his ex-gfs, and he thought he wouldn't do that again because he was infatuated with me. But he did it again... maybe some people don't change.


Thanks again.

Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 9 years ago.

Hi Customer,


You are correct...some people do not change because they do not want to. As long as some woman is there for him, he has no reason to change. He does not love others...he loves himself. He will just repeat the same pattern over and over until he finds a reason to change. You should not waste your time thinking about a loser like that. There are many other things you could spend your time thinking about. He would be happy to know you are thinking about him. It would boost his ego even more. Don't give him that pleasure. Best Wishes!