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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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i had not talked to my girlfriend of over two years for about

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i had not talked to my girlfriend of over two years for about two weeks. she went to california to be with her family and friends. i heard from her twice (texted me) and said, she was there and sory she was buy. but everytime i called/texted her back she said nothing. in the mean time, she was supposed to move back here for school (shes from cali like i said) and we are supposed to go to the beach this friday. so, in the meantime of her avoiding me i was not sure if she was coming back for school or the beach and the days approaching i was getting more and more concerned. i finally reached my boiling point of her ignoring me and so, i though ti would call her mom because i needed to know what her attentions where and i was afraid she was never going to get back to me. her mom told me she was there and told me to call back because she was sleeping. so, i did and she still was sleeping. she told me she would call and i just got an email form her. it was vague
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

-What are your ages?


-Did you have a fight?


-Did you ask her mother why she won't call you back?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

no, last time we talked before all this happened things were fine (said i love you and talked about how excited we were about her coming here). Well, i take that back. you see, iam 28 and she is almost 21. and she is the type of person that whenshe goes out or is with her friends i wont hear from her even though she tells me she will call. its always been a problem of ours, but i always try to look past it. up until last spring semester, we did the loong distance realtionship for over a year. we saw eachother almost every month for the wekend or longer. and recently (this past semster) she moved her to pittsburgh for school and to be closer to me. things were pretty good when she was hear. she left in the begining of may and since then we saw eachother once. and on top of that, when she would go places (she travels allot) and espically if her friends were inlvolved, we would take for an "x" amount of days and then when she left i would not her from her days at a time. which is not like her normal behavior. yes, she would not call me before when she went out, but was days sometimes a full week and it happened pretty much for the past 1 1/2 months if not, 2. i finally said something to her because it was drivning me up the wall and everytime she owuld do that, i would text and call a bunch and she would never say anything until iwould finally here from her and she would have some excuse and seeing that i loved her, i always accepted and went on. but like i said, i finally did have talk to her and i finally thought she understood, i was not asking for much. for talked for about week and a half after we had that talk and after that is pretty much where she left me hanging for these two weeks. and, then thats when i go this email


(here it is)


we really should talk about everything.
i'm sorry i've been avoiding your calls but you have to stop calling my mom.
i think the best thing for us to do is talk about this when i get to
pittsburgh, because there is some talking to be done. i can't keep
doing this to you.
i know this sounds like the cheesiest thing on earth but i came the
closest to death possible and it, honestly, made me think about stuff.


i dont know how to take it. i would not think she would come all the way back here to break up with me (and seeing that she made no friends at school this semster because we pretty hungout everyday and we talked about that after she left and she wasconcerned about finshing school out here (last two years) because she was so dependent, but then she decided she wanted too). and i am also concerned if she is going to come to the beach because we have had these plans for months along with 6 other couples to go for a week. so, i just wonder her attentions.


and thats pretty much it

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


By the sound of the email she thinks you are being too clingy and it may be that she just wants you to not be so clingy. I think if she wanted to break up with you it would have been easier for her to type it in the email and instead of waiting to come all the way back to Pittsburgh, she may need for you to give her more space and allow her to be her own person and meet other people like friends and so on. It sounds like she may have had a fit of depression with sleeping all of the time and saying that she came the closest to death, she may need to seek counseling and it may be even be you it may be that she has more issues than you even know of. Listen to her when she tells you not to call her mother because her mother may be arguing with her about you calling so much maybe you should just wait for her to come back there because it didn't sound like she is still going to the beach with you, reply to the email and ask her is going to the beach off now and tell her how you feel about her this will show her that you still care and want her.


It's hard to tell what her intentions are and you won't be able to find out that until she is willing to talk to you and that may not be until she gets back to school for some reason she is not willing to talk to you while she is back home in California. There could be many reason she is acting this way, maybe her and her family aren't getting along while she is home, she could be depressed like I mentioned before, she may be seeing someone else while she is home and want to tell you face to face but I think she just wants to hang out with her friend without having to answer to anyone and that too could be why her parents and her aren't getting along if that is the case. Reply to her email and tell her how you are feeling about things and ask her about the beach, that is pretty much all you can do for now until she returns back to school in the fall.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

i agree with what you are saying. and to clairify the beach a little better. we are leaving this friday, and with her telling me lets what until she gets her to talk, she comes on this thursday (two days). we have a hotel booked and the plan was we wake up and go get her school stuff done and then leave for the beach that night (my friends are driving). because her schooling starts monday, but she was going to miss first week due to the beach.


i did email mail her back and i was very vague. i just told her, that i am assuming that she is coming here this thursday for the beach and everything and that i will be there at 8 to pick her up. also told her i was sorry to hear about her near death experience and everything and told her i loved her.


i forgot to mention this, she is back from califonia and is at her moms in NJ. when she was in california she went with a friend and was staying at her dads. i called her mom once to get the answer i needed (to findout if she will be here this thursday or not because she would not answer me) which i know is clingy and thank you for pointing that out. i need to change that. any rate, her phone seemed cool and just said, tina needs to let you know. so, i wonder if it was more her mom was upset she was avoided me. i don't know.


and i agree, i dont think she would come all the way here to break up with me espically when i am the only one she knows here and pretty much moved out here for me. but iam just going to leave her alone to she ocmes here.


ps. she was only in california for a week and was working at a camp for the summer. when she was home working we talked all the time, it was when she went to visit her friends that i would not hear form her. i hope this helps more. but in all honesty, do you really think we will not end it. i lopve her andi know she does too and i just love being with this person, we have a great connection.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


I don't know what she will do because I do not know her all I know of her is what you tell me but I think she is going through something that has nothing to do you I just feel that she is having an identity crisis and doesn't know who she is there is something going on with her, did you ask for more details about her near death experience? Whether she tried to kill herself or was very sick or had an accident? That could hold the key to her behavior perhaps. I just think there is more to her actions than what she is telling you and if you find out what is really bothering her than I think you will have your answers but only she can clarify everything for you, so wait until Thursday and spend the rest of that time talking things through.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
thank you very much and its means allot to me. its hard when you love someone and if i sit back and look at things, i dont like the way she has been treating me but i am willing to work at this as much as possible. because to me, thats what being in a realtionship means. i would never want to take a break or call it quits because i feel its better to try work things out and see where that goes. because to me when girls want a break, usually means they do not want a realtionship and allot of times there is someone else involved. i know she is the only one that can answer these questions and i realize i might need to work on things myself. but i know iam not ready to throw this away. because even when she gioves the a little effort it always works, there is allot of love in this relationship and its hard for me to understand how it can go from last time talking, "she loves me more and is excited to talk to me" to this. i just really hope she would come all the way here to tell me that she wants to end it. the only part of her email that bothers me is when she tells me that, "she cant keep doing this". because i dont get it. to me that sounds like, she wants to let me go. i dont know, i am just venting and i am sorry. what do you think?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


She may be talking about your being clingy and may want that to change, I really can't talk for her because I don't know what she is thinking but you are going to have to show her that you are willing to work on your issues in order to keep the relationship, I really don't think she would say I love you and then want to break up with you right after that unless she has found someone else which is always a possibility but I really don't think it has anything to do with you I think she is going through something either with family or within herself that is tormenting her. Does she get along with her father? Do you know anything about their relationship? It just seems like after she came back from her fathers her whole persona changed and I was wondering if she went through something with him while she was there? You may have to dig a little deeper than your relationship to possibly find out what her real issue is. It may be a combination of things but something happened in that little bit of time that sent her into a funk.


Let her know no matter what that she can come to you and talk to you about ANYTHING and maybe she will open up to you as to what is going on in her life to make her shut down like she does. There is more to all of this beside your being clingy, she is not telling you something and when she comes back Thursday you really have to get to the bottom of what the issue really is, if you do not she may shut down completely and then you could lose her. Make her feel as if she can totally trust you and that you won't hurt her and tell someone what the two of you talk about if you do have that kind of relationship then ask her what happened from the time she left until now because you can sense something has changed in her and that you are worried about her.


Hopefully she will open up to you but if she doesn't maybe have a mutual female friend talk to her, she may be more willing to open up to another female because they can relate better to her. Maybe you could refer her to a counselor on the campus to help her through what she may be going through and possibly help her to better open up to you also. It's not good for her to hide her feelings to the point where she may be depressed enough to take her own life but let's hope that wasn't what she meant by a near death experience.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

i dont think she would say, she loves me and then change all the sudden either. and i dont think their is any problems with her and her family. i think, its either she has been feeling this way for awhile hence her "cant keep doing this to you" statement and realizes she either stringing me along ro something, but like we both said, something had to happen from it to go to that to this, something. and to me, it seems that shes making it out that this, near death thing is what her realize everything and basically think about stuff and back off. and i think, what the near death experience was her plane ride to california. because when she first arrived there, she texted me and told me she was sorry she had not contacted and they just got there and had allot of plane trouble and would call me when she gets a minute to breath and that she missed me. i feel bad because i never said anything back, because i had not talked to her in 3 days at that point and i realized i was upset and i was just to damn concerned about myself. and i regret that. but i just figured she would get back to me on her own and of course i would asked then how she was. because i pretty muc only heard from her one time after that. and thats really when things got weird. because she texted me, i am here iam here and explained what happened and once again i waited to say something, and when i did i was pretty cold and was just like, "hi. when are you going to call?". but it was only after a hour she texted me and i got no reply. then i confined in her more and said hope to hear from her and blah blah blah. and i still got nothing. then the net day i wrote her on myspace and she logged on and toattly did not read my email. but she did accept a new friend, some band that was in the area she was staying at. and that made me feel very weird, like why would she accept them and how did they know who she was. and why not read my email. so, after that, iam not going to lie i was a little upset becasue i was just confused about everything, and so i wrote her an irrate text. and asked her what the heck is going on? and why she says she is there and then dissappears again, (because that was really odd. why say you are then say nothing). and i also told her that this is not a part time realtionship and if she does not like it, leave. and i am not going to lie also that i brought up the whole myspace thing, and said it made me feel like i am a piece of poop that she did not read it and is ignoring me. and i never heard back from her. but the way i look at it, she has been doing this stuff for months and i just dont if this was her final straw about things. or maybe thats what she wants to talk to me about. i dont know, it just seems ever since then i have not heard and thats when she wrote me what she did and i think she realizes she cant do this. but i feel like if she does leave, shes has these attentiuons the whole time, not this near death expeience or her being in california. because you cant go from i love you more to i dont want you anymore within a couple weeks. just makes no sense. and by the way, i will throw you some more money for all this help.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
another thing si, i really could not see her coming all the way here to tell me she wants to end it. like you said, the way she has been acting it would be easier for her to do it through an email or something. i could not see her do that and then come back to school here. unless she just wants us to both step back and work on it from there. but, why not talk to me about this beforehand, why ignore me? and thats what makes me believe nothing godd can come from this, unless she just really cares that much about me to come in person to talk and stuff. but it just seems so akward to do it in person, like too much convertation.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


All you can really do is talk to her when she gets back Thursday and hopefully she will give you the answers that you need, she may feel like you didn't care enough to text her back and tell her that you were happy that she was safe and got there okay and she took that as you were brushing her off and not wanting to be bothered you both have to learn to communicate better with each other and tell each other when something is bothering you instead of giving the silent treatment or not talking things out. Just wait and talk to her about what she meant in her email about; "I can't do this to you anymore." That is the main thing you need to talk about and then ask her what you want to know. Hopefully Thursday you can have your answer that you need to your questions. You need to try to be more attentive to her needs and her space and she needs to better communicate what it is that she wants from you and the relationship. You really can't make any judgements yet until you talk to her Thursday and make sure she isn't there to break things off with you and if by chance she is there to do just that then you have to fight for her that may be what she wants to see from you is more fight like you really want this relationship.

KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
thank you very much. it means allot. and i will fight for her and if she loves me like i think, she should do the same. thanks again

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