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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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my significant other limits our sex but, sneaks frinquintly

Resolved Question:

my significant other limits our sex but, sneaks frinquintly with her vibrator. how or what to do? I even let her use it together but she still uses by herself often.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 9 years ago.

Hi richstreeter,


I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question. First, it would help me if you could answer these questions.


What is her age?


How long have you been together?


Are you married?


Has she always done this that you are aware of?


Have you discussed this issue with her...the way it makes you feel?



Customer: replied 9 years ago.
she is 59 we have been together 10 years and are not married, because of trust issues like this. she started this about two years ago after one of her employes started talking about how much she liked vibrators. Yes, that was when we brought them into our bed, but now she doesn't know that I know she has her own and sneaks it. and why to work?
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 9 years ago.

Hi Richstreeter,


Based on what you told me, it sounds like the sex toys are causing problems for your relationship. Furthermore, she may not even be aware of how much this bothers you. Sexual toys can be fun for couples; however, when the toy becomes more useful than one's lover....there is a problem. Men tend to become involved with pornography as their "sex toy." Women tend to turn to things like vibrators for personal pleasure. Either way, these are diversions that distract you from intimacy with your partner. That is right....they are bad for relationships! They may be fun or even exciting but they lead to problems for couples when this sort of behavior starts to happen. Your woman is, in fact, neglecting you by turning to the vibrator. If she was ok with using it with you, then that would be a different story. However, she is sneaking off and doing it by herself. This sort of behavior, especially from a woman, is disconcerting. I suggest that you sit down and talk with her about your sexual relationship. Explain to her that you do not have a problem with her using a is just that she does it at the expense of you. You need to tell her that it hurts you and you feel left out when she does that without you. Tell her that you do not feel as connected to her when she chooses to please herself without involving you. Hopefully, she will be sensitive to your concern and give you an honest answer. You may want to consider going to see a clinical psychologist to discuss the trust issues in your relationship. First, have the conversation with her and see what happens. If it is not resolved, you may want to suggest therapy. You will not be happy in the relationship if she continues to turn to a vibrator...instead of to you...her man.


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