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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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why is my daughter in law so rude and unkind to me. From ...

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why is my daughter in law so rude and unkind to me. From the beginning I have been generous,helpful and kind. From the beginning she would not let me have a role in her 2 young daughters life(she had been married before), even though I bought bunk beds so I could baby sit for them. She never dresses my grandson in any of the pukka clothes I bring back from holiday for him and my son now wears dreadfully common tacky stuff he would never have worn before. I would never mention this too her but it hurts so much. I get on with her mother, whom I used to work with and she says hers daughter is very difficult and her ex mother in law says they stopped going to their son''s house becaus e she never made them feel welcome. Her two daughters are surly and rude like her and that is her fault. I have a super relationship with my son and now I see my grandson as she needs me as she has gone back to work. She is9 years older than my son who is a lovely guy.The family all loath her its so sad. A
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

-What are their ages?

-How long have they been married?

-Did you get along before they got married?

-Have you talked to your son about this?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
They are now 31 and 40 and have been together 9 years. He had only a couple of girl friends before they met and was not a worldly guy. He has a high profile job and people love him, he is highly intelligent and talented withloads of personality. I was not against her at the beginning, even though his younger brother found her bad mannered and sullen. I thought she was just shy. They have never married but have a six year old son. She controls everything. He will make arrangements to come down to see us and she will always change it or make arrangements whenI have already made arrangments to go elsewhere. I gave them money for their mortgage, I helped buy her girls a horse and virtually walked on broken glass for her, but im now at the end of my tether. My son has told her off for being so ignorant to me. If I pop in to see my son and bring her flowers she is unkind and rude to me. I think she is upsetting my sons mental health. He was only 22 when thy met and his whole life was taken up with his work (journalist) the youth orchestra and sport and she was an older and a pretty women. She has no personality compared to him. Last year I asked to take her and my grandson to the pantomime my son was in. The answer was I dont know yet, so my son said to buy the tickets for my grandson and myself.This I did and a week befoe the show she phoned up and said she always spend christmas eve with her son,so I bought another ticket but of course we could not get them together, so she made me sit on my own. The list is endless im desperate. She is intimidating and however I try I dont get it right. She refuses to come to christmas dinner at my house as she says her girls want to see their own grandparents yet she has manipulated and engineered the position from the beginning. My little grandson made a joke about my old wreck of a cottage yet im creative and have good taste and most people go wow when they see my house. Im always doing up cottages which I buy.
She has never phoned me up to go anywhere and doesnt even offer me a cup of tea. If I organise an event(im family minded) she turns up very late, sometimes having eaten first.She never lets me see them for christmas dinner as she says her girls want to see their grandparents, She engineers and controls everything. I am so ashamed when i take my grandson out as he is dressed like somethng from"Little Britain", yet she is not from a family like that. I cant say anything, but I asked her whether my granson was going to wear the clothes I brought back last year from holiday and she said he chooses what he wants to wear. But if you dont put out my clothes to choose from he is never going to see them. She sold them to a second hand shop. What a bitch. I think my son is frightened of her. I am frightened of her, yet go back for more. Her mother once said "I love my daughter but she talked to her ex usband badly, we think your son can handle her", wE DONT thik he can. The list is endless. This Autumn I am going with my younger son and his lovely wife to america as a treat. I would love to take my grandson and the family to Lapland as a treat...she says he doesnt like snow!!. Yesterday my having brought back my grandson i went to give her a bunch of gladioli. She turned up her nose at them so I said did she notlike them to which she replied "im not fussed". So I kept them myself.Should I stop giving her and her two teenage daughters birthday and christmas presnts..i never get a thank you. or am I just dropping to her level.A
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

It almost sounds like his girlfriend is trying to be his mother and control every aspect of the relationship including who he is allowed to see and who he isn't. She seems to be trying to push you (his family) out of the picture so that he has nothing to do with you because you have an influence on him and she wants to be in control of everything. She may have came from a family that acted the same way she does and since her daughters are acting the same way it seems like it was a learned behavior, the girls are learning from their mother how to be rude and uncaring but you shouldn't stoop to her level and that is what you would be doing if you didn't send them gifts and cards for Christmas also.

Your son needs to take a stand as far as the girlfriend is concerned and tell her that her behavior is disrupting his family unity and that she should try more to get along with his family because his family has done nothing to her to warrant this behavior from her. Someone needs to hold her accountable for her actions and the way she treats people. Maybe you should talk to her mother and tell her how she treats you and that you have tried everything maybe she could give you some advice on how to handle her daughters rudeness.

You can't really change her and make her respect you she has to want to do it on your own and since she hasn't shown you an ounce of respect in the 9 years her and your son have been dating then I really don't think she will unless your son puts his foot down and gives her an ultimatum to change her behavior towards you or lose him in the process. Your son may not notice her behavior any more because it's so common place now but it's not fair to you, you have tried everything and still she treats you badly. Maybe you should ask her to lunch and talk to her about it and tell her how you are feeling about the way she treats you and your family and that you are trying and she won't give you an slack at all. Ask her if there is something you to did to her to make her resent you the way that she does maybe if you call her on it face to face she will see her ways and try to change for the better.

Tell her how things are stressing your son out and that you are worry about his health and ask her if you could possibly work together to make things better for everyone involved mainly the children, since she isn't married to your son you have a right as his mother to demand respect from her but it's really up to your son to make her respect you as his mother and the grandmother to their son.

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