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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Should I pursue reconciliation

Customer Question

My wife & I separated a month ago. Since then she has been back to visit my sons & I twice. The last time I found out there's another man she met, but claiming no sexual intimacy with him. During her visit we were sexually active twice. She claimed it was a mistake, that she was so lonely and new it wasn't fair to me. I want to consider reconciling, but have doubts because of the other guy.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
HelloCustomerbr />
Is she saying the sleeping with you was a mistake?

Is she considering reconciling?

What are your ages?

Why did you split? How long have you been married?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Yes, afterward she believed it was a mistake because she new it would hurt me. She claimed she was lonely, horney and wanted me because we've been together so long. She's 49(menopausal)I'm 50. She wanted more out of our relationship, romance, intimacy, sharing, etc. Married 17 years, friends for 35. As far as trying to work it out she says not yet, let's give it time, at least 6 months she's saying, but that was before I found out about the other man. The sex was passionate, best ever. We talked more in the last 5 days than we had in awhile. Still friendly, but I decided I need space from her, it hurts too much. She'd call 2-3 times a day. I stopped taking her calls so now she doesn't call.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Are you saying that if she is involved with another man that you do not want to reconcile with her?

Are you willing to give her the 6 mos and see how things go?

Do you want to reconcile? Do you still love her?

Are you talking at all now?

How old are your sons?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: No, I still want to reconcile,but it seems my chances are diminished if she believes she's in love with someone else. I'm willing to give her 6 months or more if necessary. Yes, I believe I do want to reconcile. I love her very much, I believe I'm still in love with her. We could be, but she's respecting my need for a little breathing space. She knows I'm hurting badly. Our sons are 15 & 17.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
You said that the reason for the split was that she wanted more out of the relationship, romance, intimacy, sharing, etc. Will you be able to give her these things now? Even if you think so, it's going to take time. Although you want the breathing space, you should still insert little reminders of yourself into her life, don't completely cut her off, as they say, out of sight out of mind. Don't let her know so much that you want to reconcile, try to play it a little cool when you do talk to her, and let her do most of the talking. Once or twice a week, send her a little text or email, asking how she's doing. Find out if she would be willing to have dinner with you and the boys every other weekend, just to give the boys a little normality, but only if you feel you can handle it. Thats the time to impress her with how nice the house looks, get fresh flowers, candles, and show off you and the boys cooking skills. If you and the boys are happy, and jovial when she comes, sharing little jokes between one another, and talking about things she doesn't really know about since she's not there anymore on a daily basis, she may start to feel what she's missing. Let me know your thoughts

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I think you're right about staying in her life. I am more concerned about her affair impeding any of my efforts for renewing our relationship. I guess the botXXXXX XXXXXne is, she doesn't care for me anymore in the sense of being significant in her life now since she's finding comfort with another man. I can't understand how she thinks she can fall in love in such a short time, or how she believes that it could be a serious relationship since it was the first guy that came along to pay any attention to her. She was hurting, lonely and confused. He is who helped her gain the strength to leave me. Duplicate of what I was 18 years ago,"her knight in shining armor". Should I step back and wait or continue with what you're suggesting even though her attentions and affections are devoted elsewhere?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
I didn't realize that she was that invested in someone else. However I still stand by what I said earlier. Make your life with your boys and let her in once in a while. If she has found something with this other person, there really isn't anything you can do if she's not willing to hold up her end of'll just have to wait and see. I wouldn't wait any longer than 6 months before considering dating, if that's what she is doing. If you are absolutley not interested in dating at that time, you could give it another few months, but any longer than that is not right, not for you, not for your sons. Don't let her fully know how you feel in the sense of telling her "i love you, I want to be with you", but let her know in a more matter of fact way, that you would be interested in trying to work things out, if she's willing. Keep yourself busy, don't always be at her beck and call, tell her no sometimes, and spend time with your boys. I'm here if you want to talk more.

Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I had an epiphany on Friday. I realized I must move on. I had to let her go. It was a great release that's difficult to explain. I suppose the level of caring so much about what I can't control has diminished through the realization of just that, it's beyond my control and I'm ok with that. I've let go of the outcome. She obviously has moved on ie. starting an affair with a stranger and I've reached a finality in our relationship. I can forgive her for the affair, but at this point would I want her back even if she wanted to return? I'm not sure. I've been able to reflect about our marriage from a different point of view because of this new realization and I'm seeing so many things that I was so blind to. IT'S NOT ALL MY FAULT. She definitely had me believing that and through my remorse and guilt I couldn't define the truth, the truth in my own heart.