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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Is he afraid

Resolved Question:

I guess the biggest thing to ask would be, how do I move on, I feel as though that is what I HAVE to do. I stress HAVE, see I have been in what you might call almost a rendevous with a man for the past 12 years, we have both been married to others, lost loved ones and the list goes on. Yet no matter what when we see each other at an event, we are together and it is as if we have never been apart, this is mutual. However, we have never cheated by being with each other when we where dating someone else. Friends look at us and shake there heads as if to wonder will this ever be over between him and I. Finally, I told myself thats it, I chose not to go to any events that he would be at and 2 years later my phone rang and it was him. He asked me out for a date and to his home. We spoke for a bit and I did state that this was quick as he wanted me to come over the next night. Feeling as though life can be too short and sometimes you just need to do things, I said yes. 4 phone calls later from him, I was standing in front of him at the resteraunt. The conversation was mostly about him, the $ he made, what he was doing, that he bought a house, and about his job. By the way he drank more than I have ever seen him drink. I've known him a while and never known him to do this? Then when we got to his home, he drank more. I began feeling like he was trying to stay drunk to be around me? In any case he showed me his beautiful house and all the things he had done to remodel it, he was very proud of himself and what he has accomplished and I felt the same for him. He lit some candles opened wine and we sat on the couch, next to each other but not touching mind you? When it came time to go to bed, we where alright, I still felt a bit uneasy. However he immediately put his arm out for me to get next to him and I felt better. One thing led to another and we where back to our old selves. When things where over, we slept a broken sleep no cuddling. Then at dark before morning he woke me up and it was on again. However this time, things changed, I was more open and connected with him and I felt this from him any time we have ever been together he might talk to me but this time he was silent, watching and then when he climaxed, he verbally let me know with moans and groans and a few words. Something he has never done before,I'd say I've never brought that much pleasure to a man before! he was very quiet and turned his head away from me. In any case as we laid there for a very short few seconds, I used the restroom and the minute I got back to bed and ran my hand across his back a few times to rub it,he was up, it was like he was panicked, he said he was hot, it was like he was hyperventalating? he walked through his home opened some doors and then a few moments later he came back to bed. I didn't ask any questions, he just just said I'm okay now, and laid back down and I rubbed his back again a bit for him. The next morning he was distant, but kind, he brought me coffee before taking a shower. I caught him staring at me many times, while I was getting ready, when I was in the house. In any case it ended with a thank you and a kiss and a see you later. We spoke on the phone one time after that, I called several times, he called me once and started with an immediate sincere I am so sorry I have been so busy? He said his phone might cut out and it did and we haven't spoke since. I am not sure what to think, I feel betrayed as if he turned his back on me, we are suppose to be friends, he should at least honor that and not just dismiss me. I wrote him and told him how I felt, I was nice and direct, no blame, no hurt, just that we have to quit doing this and either be together to give it a try as boyfriend girlfriend or he just needs to let me go. I've received no response? I have friends say that he asks about me? Why can't he just date me? He dates other women that he does not even know or have a past with, however I should say, they don't last? In the two years we where not around each other he had 3 girlfriends, but me? Perhaps I have answered my own question in any case some outside input would be nice.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello worried,

I do think that you have your own answer. Sometimes we look for a meaning that is just not there....I don't think he's afraid, I think he's being selfish. If he was afraid, he wouldn't get involved with other women. If a man dates other women, but doesn't date you, sometimes it simply means that he doesn't want to be with you "like that". It's hard because the friendship seemed to be there. There are men out there that are adept a projecting the 'friend' vibe, and these vibes can last for many many ways, they can be more damaging to a woman than a man who is simply a 'dog' because we think that they genuinely care about us, at least as friends.....but many times it's simply a different version of being doggish. A nice dog, a sweet dog, but a dog nonetheless. If he cared about you the way he says he cares about you, then he wouldn't leave you hanging like this, he would call you to at least see if you were ok, and be a 'friend' to you, but he's not your friend. A situation like this can be hard to get over because of how nice they are and how betrayed we feel, and of course the sexual attraction makes the whole thing worse. I've found that the only way to really get out from under someone like this is to completely let it go. Change numbers, move if you have to, and if you see him on the street, it's best to keep walking, but if he stops you be polite and move on as quickly as you can. If he thinks for one moment that you might be over him, he will start the whole thing over until he knows he has you back in the palm of his hand. It won't be easy, but you can do it. There is someone out there who will be willing to love you the way you need to be loved, but have to let go of this person or they will block the way for anything good or new to come into your life. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

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