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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My boyfriend constantly asks me for money. Is this love

Customer Question

Ive been dating my current boyfriend going on three years. He''s 37 i''m 24. When i first met things were nice...he seemed to be all about me. I dont know how it started with him asking for money but its turned into an everyday thing. He has no shame in his game. I wont even be in the front door all the way b4 hes asking for money. He calls me when we''re not together and asks me to pay his phone bill for him while i''m out. Or he''ll call and ask me to call and order food for him and pay with credit. He even comes past my job to get money (even while i was 8 months pregnant with his son) <<---thats a whole nother topic. But he''s not working, hes had a couple of jobs on and off while weve been together. Even when he was working he still asked for money. I even purchased a car with alot of convincing from him and he would drop me off at work and not come and pick me up or not answer his phone in the morning and force me to catch a cab to work. Mind you i''m the only one putting gas in the car. Everytime we''ve ever been out i''ve paid for everything. Hes never even gotten me a card for my birthday, valentines day or any holiday for that matter. Even though i always get him something. Hes been claiming that he wants to marry me but why would i want to have a grown dependent. Now i have son with him whos 1 month old and i''m finally starting to wake up. Why couldnt i realize what a loser he was before i got pregnant? Is it to hard to believe that he came to the hospital after our son was born (mind u he missed the birth) and asked me for money. And he wants us to get a place together...i dont think so. I mean i want to so bad...but deep inside i know we cant be together. I''ll be homeless, dealing with him.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Hello Tjones,

When is the last time he worked?

Is he working now?

Is he providing for his son?

Do you think you are ready to leave now that you have a child with him?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: He had 2 jobs in these 3 years. Both he had for about a month. The most recent one he had about 4 months ago. He just stopped showing up for work.

No hes not providing for his son, which i'm not surprised. But i was hoping he shocked me and got him something...anything.

Now that i have a child with him i'm fed up. I feel like hes dragging me down and i dont want my son to have to go without because i'm giving his dad all my money. But for some reason i keep giving and feeding into this relationship.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Hello Tjones,

I thought about your question a lot, and I can say there really is no easy answer for this one. Ideally it would have been nice to realize what a bad influence this man is in your life before you had a child, but now that your child is here, it's even more important to realize that it's not just you that needs to be protected but your son as well. Your son will not understand why his father doesn't contribute to his well being, financially or otherwise. There's more to being a dad than making a baby, but the good news is that you can change you and your son's circumstances. Far be it from me to tell anyone to split with the person they are with, but it sounds like you have already come to the conclusion about what needs to be done.

Some questions for you to ask yourself.....How does a grown man simply walk away from a job? How does he not provide anything for his own son, his own flesh and blood? At what point did you become accepting and complacent about his behavior? Why do you feel it's ok for him to walk over you like this?

I could make all kinds of guesses about why you do it, low self esteem, problems with your father figure, previous bad relationships, but that doesn't change the fact that you have a whole other little person in your life who's not going to care about any of that. You sound to me like you are ready to be strong, for yourself and your son, and that you are ready to make some decisions to protect the both of you. The fact is, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, and since he can't keep a job, and is still asking you for money even after the birth of his son, I don't see him changing anytime soon. Have you heard the expression, "you teach people how to treat you"? You taught him the first time he asked you for money that it was ok, and that you would give him anything he asked for....he's only doing what you've allowed him to do.

He's too old to go through all of this, and to be so terribly irresponsible. You can do bad all by yourself, you don't need another adult to bring you down. Close your eyes and imagine for one second how much all of the money you've given him adds up to, then imagine what you could do with all of that money, and how little thought he gave to it. It's time to do for you and your son. It's time to make a safe, secure and comfortable environment that the both of you can enjoy without someone taking, taking, and taking some more. I know how hard it is to be alone, I know that being by yourself can be the scariest prospect in the world....but what might be just a little scarier, is imagining yourself 10 years from now, and he hasn't changed a single bit.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.