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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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committment issues for a man

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I guess the biggest thing to ask would be, how do I move on, I feel as though that is what I HAVE to do. I stress HAVE, see I have been in what you might call almost a rendevous with a man for the past 12 years, we have both been married to others, lost loved ones and the list goes on. Yet no matter what when we see each other at an event, we are together and it is as if we have never been apart, this is mutual. However, we have never cheated by being with each other when we where dating someone else. Friends look at us and shake there heads as if to wonder will this ever be over between him and I. Finally, I told myself thats it, I chose not to go to any events that he would be at and 2 years later my phone rang and it was him. He asked me out for a date and to his home. We spoke for a bit and I did state that this was quick as he wanted me to come over the next night. Feeling as though life can be too short and sometimes you just need to do things, I said yes. 4 phone calls later from him, I was standing in front of him at the resteraunt. The conversation was mostly about him, the $ he made, what he was doing, that he bought a house, and about his job. By the way he drank more than I have ever seen him drink. I've known him a while and never known him to do this? Then when we got to his home, he drank more. I began feeling like he was trying to stay drunk to be around me? In any case he showed me his beautiful house and all the things he had done to remodel it, he was very proud of himself and what he has accomplished and I felt the same for him. He lit some candles opened wine and we sat on the couch, next to each other but not touching mind you? When it came time to go to bed, we where alright, I still felt a bit uneasy. However he immediately put his arm out for me to get next to him and I felt better. One thing led to another and we where back to our old selves. When things where over, we slept a broken sleep no cuddling. Then at dark before morning he woke me up and it was on again. However this time, things changed, I was more open and connected with him and I felt this from him any time we have ever been together he might talk to me but this time he was silent, watching and then when he climaxed, he verbally let me know with moans and groans and a few words. Something he has never done before,I'd say I've never brought that much pleasure to a man before! he was very quiet and turned his head away from me. In any case as we laid there for a very short few seconds, I used the restroom and the minute I got back to bed and ran my hand across his back a few times to rub it,he was up, it was like he was panicked, he said he was hot, it was like he was hyperventalating? he walked through his home opened some doors and then a few moments later he came back to bed. I didn't ask any questions, he just just said I'm okay now, and laid back down and I rubbed his back again a bit for him. The next morning he was distant, but kind, he brought me coffee before taking a shower. I caught him staring at me many times, while I was getting ready, when I was in the house. In any case it ended with a thank you and a kiss and a see you later. We spoke on the phone one time after that, I called several times, he called me once and started with an immediate sincere I am so sorry I have been so busy? He said his phone might cut out and it did and we haven't spoke since. I am not sure what to think, I feel betrayed as if he turned his back on me, we are suppose to be friends, he should at least honor that and not just dismiss me. I wrote him and told him how I felt, I was nice and direct, no blame, no hurt, just that we have to quit doing this and either be together to give it a try as boyfriend girlfriend or he just needs to let me go. I've received no response? I have friends say that he asks about me? Why can't he just date me? He dates other women that he does not even know or have a past with, however I should say, they don't last? In the two years we where not around each other he had 3 girlfriends, but me? Perhaps I have answered my own question in any case some outside input would be nice. Thanks
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

You both have a history together and that is what brings you back to each other it a familiarity that he feels that you are safe and do not expect anything from him but is this kind of relationship making you happy? No, it is not it is making you question yourself about why he won't commit to you when you have been there for him longer than any of his relationships have lasted. He may not want a relationship with you because of hurting you and that he thinks this way is much safer. It good that you wrote the letter and sent it to him this way he knows exactly how you feel but since you haven't heard from him since sending the letter it may be time to cut all ties in order for you to heal from this and show him that you will not be used as an object. If you need to avoid him at any cost then you do that but if I were you I would show him that your life will go on without him the next time you go to another event make sure you have a date that way you won't get the urge to give into him and if he calls avoid his phone calls this it he only way you will be able to give over him completely.

He will continue to use you as long as you allow him to and until he respects you as a woman and someone he has known for many years he will never truly be yours, maybe if you show him this he will realize what he has/had but I wouldn't wait for him any longer 12 years is long enough for him to know if he wants you as his girlfriend or not.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I understand what you are saying, however I was hoping to gain some insight as to why he reacted the way he did. Why call someone after 2 years? This was the first time he had ever contacted me for a date and as he stated it took him 12 years to do this. Why act the way he did when we where together, yet be distant? He has told me before we have spent to much time on us and never went forward but then the distance. Any info would be helpful
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

He must be scared that he isn't right for you since he called you he must feel something for you or he would have left it go. Sometimes men act a certain way because they have learned from their parents it's a learned behavior if his parents didn't show much affection then that could be why he cannot bring himself to give you a chance or maybe he has been hurt in the past and doesn't want to get hurt or doesn't want to hurt you since you are friends. I can't really tell you exactly why he did what he did the only way you will get answers is to ask him and hope that he will open up to you. If I were you I would make a date with him and during that date ask him the things you want to, he may have been waiting for you to say the word and since you didn't say anything that night at his house he got scared that he wasn't saying or doing the right things. This may be why he felt he couldn't breath and needed air he was panicked, do you know if he has a history of panic attacks? You really need to meet with him face to face to get the answer you need and deserve.

Ask friend about his past relationships and his parents this may give you insight as to why he cannot commit to you or anyone else for that matter. You may have to take action as far as a relationship with him is concerned he seems to be dragging his feet or scared of commitment period.

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