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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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So, I need some advice. My wife and I have been together ...

Customer Question

So, I need some advice. My wife and I have been together for a little over a year and unfortunately we're apart right now because of my job. We have always had a pretty healthy relationship and been very happy. My wife doesn't like me drinking and I promised her I wouldn't. I hadn't drank for a month and a half and she was really proud of me until, about a week ago I drank with some friends and she was really upset with me. I don't want to say that she's always been whipped but definitely loves me very much. Anyway, she was stand-offish and told me that she didn't feel like i was her rock anymore. She was just very upset. So, I gave her a few days thinking that she'd cool off. Instead when i called her yeaterday she avoided my calls and whn i finally got her she said she was thinkig and didnt think things would work, she didnt feel appreciated and didnt know if she was in love with me anymore She said she wasnt happy. This just came out of left field. I dont know what to do
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

-What are your ages?

-Do you have a problem with drinking?

-Do you want to save the marriage?

-Do you think she is serious or just mad right now?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: we are both 28. My wife is a recovering alcoholic and I am not sure if I am. I work for a brewery and definitely enjoy beer. Ive definitely considered the possibility that I have a problem thats why I hadnt been drinking. I absolutely want to save this marriage I love her completely.Shes my everything. I'm not sure what to think to be honest. The way she's acting is completely something new, she had always been "hard" in previous relationships but never with me. She does admit to having a problem with building walls when shes upset, just never with me. Im not sure if i should fly there and try to talk or give space. I feel confused and hurt. Like Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. She was bringing up things that seemed petty. She just seems so cold and I dont know what to do. I really need some advice. If I go there im afraid she'll think im smothering her. If I dont im afraid she'll pull away more. But if I give her time she might still pull away, or she could really need the space. *sigh* please help
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
She said that the more she was thinking the more she didnt think things wqould work. I was supposed to be going back home for good in Oct. We were in the process of renting a house and she has always said she would never leave me, Im everything she ever wanted and never stopped telling me she loved me. She mentioned that she feels lime a "fixture" in my life and doesnt feel that I appreciate her. I just didnt know where this was coming from all because i drank. I'm not sure if shes trying to tell herself she doesnt want to be with me, has people influencing her, or has just made a 180 degree turn. But, we've always been best friends and extremely close.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

I think you wife may have felt like you chose beer and drinking over her and that you weren't considering that she is a recovering alcoholic which means if she were to even kiss you with alcohol on your breath that could send her back to drinking and your wife knows that it doesn't take much to send her back to that bad habit and she wanted you to understand this and want to stop drinking. It was almost like she was giving you an ultimatum and decide that your marriage was more important and she felt let down when she found out that you started drinking again. I think you should definitely make plans to go and win her back if you wait and don't go and show her that you want this marriage to work then you may lose her for good and never get her back show her that she is important to you and that you can do without drinking for the sake of saving your marriage.

She is angry right now and wants to hurt you as much as she feels you hurt her if she said all of those positive things and changed her minds so quickly means that she may have made a hasty decision based on that hurt. You need to go back home and face your martial issues first hand and not long distance. Buy her a gift that shows that you want to try and you love her more than anything and on the card say just that. Tell her if she wants you to get help you will you have to say and do whatever it takes to get her back show her that you are still her rock and you appreciate her more than anything (even beer) If she sees that you are attempting to make things right then she may in turn try harder too and not make any hasty decisions.

Maybe try going to a meeting with her if she still goes if she doesn't then maybe try and find a meeting on your own. Try to consider the fact that she is recovering and even the smell of alcohol can send her back to it and that is something she clearly doesn't want to do and this is why she left it might seem petty to you but to her it's a big deal. You have a fighting chance it's just up to you how far you are willing to fight to save the marriage.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: I actually havent drank since that night and she knows that. I have ben going to meetings and got a sponsor. She knows this. I feel that i need to explain a little more. When I talked to her and told her that I was going to meetings she said" its not even all about drinking". It's just a lot of little things. And started nringing up things like "she doesnt want to clean up after someone for the rest of her life". Even though shes always loved cleaning and has always taken pride in doing our laundry, cleaning etc. So I said to her that I was going to come and she said she thought it was pointless. We had been talking slowly after the night I drank for about 4 days Things felt tense but she seemed to be coming around. Then didnt hear from her for 2 days and boom she doesnt want to be with me. Do you think she met someone else?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

No I think she is afraid that if she does let you back in you will only turn around and do the same thing all over again. She may not be seeing someone but she may think that you are not coming back and it's just talk show her that it isn't just talk and try helping with household chores and laundry. Marriage is about compromise and that may be what you have to do to win her back. Are you willing to do whatever it takes? She may change her mind once you are there in person, you have to find a way to break down the wall she has put up. Suggest trying marriage counseling before she gives up on the marriage this maybe your only choice right now to have a fighting chance and maybe you could also find out why she has put up this wall over what you think are petty things but don't make them seem petty to her.

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