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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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How do I handle an emotional abusive husband

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My husband is continuously blaming me for things and putting me down if i cannot have sex with him when he wants it. This is quite often now as I cannot develop sexual feelings for someone who has just put me down about something. We married 3 months ago and prior to getting married i made him promise me he would stop doing this as it has always been an issue. He has lashed out at me before but the main issue is the emotional abuse. He promised me this would stop after we got married and he has been good up until last week when he just lost it and started yelling at me and accusing me or doing things behind his back. Last night he threw a temper for no reason and told me i was the worst girlfriend he has ever had and he may as well get a divorce. I don''t know what to do and apart from crying myself to sleep every night i do not know if he needs help or if its me? He bought me flowers this morning but i know this only means things will be ok up until the next time it happens.

What are your ages?

Where did you meet? How long have you been together? known each other?

What are your reasons for not wanting to have sex?

Can you tell me more about the emotional abuse?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I am 23, he is 34.
We met at work, he trained me. When we started dating he got another job so we wouldn't be working together.
We've been together for 3 years, known each other 3.5 years.
Its not that i don't want to have sex, its that I find it hard to want to have sex with him when he is driving my emotions up the wall. He doesn't understand that when he says things to me such as "you're the worst girlfriend i've ever had" he expects me to click my fingers and get over it then have sex with him that night?? I'm not a robot... those things hurt and it takes time to get over them and find those loving feelings again for him.

Regarding the emotional abuse - he was fine in the first year we met, then i started seeing a different side to him and i'm pretty sure its all around the sex. He gets frustrated if he doesn't get it at least 3 times a week and then takes it all out on me telling me these things that just hurt me. But the only reason i can't find in myself to have sex with him is because i am so hurt with what he has said perhaps just hours before he has abused me.

He has been in at least 3 relationships before where he says they left him.. and i believed him up until i saw this other side of him. I half want him to seek mental help as its almost as if he has split personalities. Either way its wrecking our new marriage and i don't know what to do.
I know it might now seem important, but there is a significant age difference between the two of you. It's likely that he feels he can control you, or at least wants to control you, and feels he has the right to do so because of the big difference in age and experience. I always say it would be interesting to talk to some of the ex girlfriends before we decide to marry someone....mainly because if a woman leaves a man there's usually got to be a pretty darn good reason, and you're saying at least three of them left him.

I would highly recommend counseling, or therapy, but the question would be, would he be willing to go? It could be couples therapy, or it could be therapy for himself. He has to learn to control his emotions and he has to learn how not to be abusive in his behavior. He may not think so, but emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse and many, many, times....emotional abuse paves the way for physical abuse. So it's best to stop it now before it progresses any further. Now he would probably say "I would NEVER get physical with you", but he also promised to stop this behavior before you got married, so it's hard to know really what he will and will not do.

If you don't put your foot down, you already know it's going to get worse. It stopped when he wanted to get married, and now that he has what he wanted, it's starting back up again. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, he's done it in the past, he's doing it now, and it's very likely he will continue to do it unless he's given a compelling reason to stop. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

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Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I have put my foot down so many times before.. I have told him it has to stop otherwise i cannot continue with it anymore. He's response is usually something like "fine then, why don't you break up with me". For some reason its always him asking me if i want to break it off but he is never the one to make the decision. Now that we are married its changed to "do you want me to go and get divorce papers then" and stupid comments like that. He always says its up to me but i don't feel i'm the one with the problem.
Thats a way of turning things on you and making you feel like it's your fault, when it's not. The question is how long will you continue to put up with it. Honestly, what do you think he would do if you said, "yes, fine, then go get the divorce papers, I'm done with it"....? Do you think he would really divorce you? For some reason, I don't think he would, but EVERY single time he makes the threat and you back down, you are teaching him how to control you more and more. You are not the one with the problem, he is the one with the problem, however, it becomes your problem because you haven't yet figured out how to make him stop. It's possible that you are not capable of making him stop....he's at an age where he really shouldn't be acting like this, and the fact that he is points to a more serious problem, that he may need to talk to a professional about. Perhaps you can talk to him about couples counseling if he will not go see someone else about the way he is acting, but something needs to be done, because he's not going to just stop on his own....he only stopped in the first place to get married, and now that you are, it's back to square one.

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Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Hi Chase - so sorry for the delayed reply.
You are correct and I appreciate you feedback. I have known this all along but somehow always feel like it will get better? I told him I sought a bit of help as I didn't know what to do and we sat down and talked out what we really want. he asked me if i wanted a divorce and i said no i don't as I do love him. But i also said although I don't want to leave him I would feel like i have no choice unless he can work out a way to control his negative feelings. I think he understands, at least I hope and he has promised me that he will control it from now on. I made him promise that if it does happen again he will seek help, or we will go see somebody together, as this means he cannot help himself. So far so good, but I'm not saying it will stay this way. At least I have more of a firmer ground to stand on now. I hope I can start seeing the real him again - the one I knew originally before things changed.

Thanks for your help. I'll definitely be back - you're a life line!!


That's good news. I'm glad to hear that you were firm with him and that he had promised to do better. The only thing you can do is wait and see if things work out. Give it your all, and be the person you were, the one he knew originally too, and maybe you will see the original him. If things don't work out, at least you know that you gave it your all, and you can have the peace of mind knowing you gave it a real chance. I'm always here if you want to talk, ok? Feel free to request me by name.

All the best.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Hi Chase, thanks again for your reply.
And sorry to say yes I'm back yet again... things have not got any worse which is good, we had a bit of an upset today but nothing major like i explained last time.
my issue is that I am doing my best to show the real me and hope things get back on track again - and i can see he (my husband) is too (since we spoke last week, now when he is frustrated he will just go out of the room and leave me alone rather than vent his frustration and blame me for it) I feel this is a good sign as i can see he has taken to heart what i have said and rather than blaming me for being frustrated because he hasn't had sex, he will just leave me be. I think this is good as he is showing his self control and not taking it out on me, my question is when or how do i go about getting those aroused feelings for him again? at the moment i am just so scared he will become that abusive person again that i think i am scared to get intimate with him, is this the right way to feel? and its not deliberate, i physically don't feel like sex with him at the moment because i guess i am just too scared things will happen again.
Am i being stupid? should i just let the fear go and go for it? make myself have sex and maybe i'll enjoy it? I really don't know what to do as i believe if i continue this way he will explode again.   part of me just thinks i should force myself to have sex with him so at least he is happy but i know that won't work as he doesn't enjoy it unless i do. Help!!

I think that if you don't become intimate with him, its very possible he will get upset, as that is what husbands and wives are supposed to do. Additionally, after a period of time, it could give him an excuse to go outside of the home. Try to think about what attracted you to him in the first place, what is sexy about him and what turns you on about him.

You can try a few different things to get yourself back into the mood. Full body massages for each other.....having a real date, meaning going out to dinner and/or a movie, and maybe some drinks.....or just doing some of the things that you know will put you in the mood. A candlelight dinner, bubble bath, soft music, or maybe something else is what puts you in the mood. Whatever it is, make a date for a day when you know you won't be tired, and you can take a bath, smell great, put something sexy on and go for it. You can try some drinking games if you drink, or just some games if you don't. There are tons of adult games you can buy online, or you can make your own by getting some index cards and take 6 of them and write down 6 body parts (lips, neck, XXX, foot, etc), then take another 6 and write what to do to those body parts (kiss, touch, lick, etc), and take a pair of dice and roll them, one dice tells you which number body part and the other tells you which action to do to the body part (be sure to write the numbers 1-6 on the back of the card).

Also, talk to him about foreplay, let him know you want at least a half hour of kissing, touching, fondling, etc before the actual sex. That you want him to arouse you to the point where you can't wait to have sex.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you