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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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boyfriend continuously talks about a previous female

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boyfriend continuously talks about a previous female friend with whom he has more in common than he and I have. Both have master''s degrees, were in grammar school together, worked together in 2 or 3 various locations, have known each other since age of 13-14...both are in their mid-50''s now. This ladies name comes up constantly, he even discusses her achievements in our bedroom. I do not feel comfortable about this...and know he has visited her to bring gifts from Europe a few months ago. She has called him several times when he and I were at a show, dinner and elsewhere. She is married, and I could not help but notice that although I attended a BBQ this summer at her house, her husband was very cool to my boyfriend. Am I being insecure to think it is more than just a friendship. End of BBQ she let everyone know via roundtable speech that my boyfriend has her heart and she his. It embarrassed me..even her own sister thought it was out of line on her sister''s part. What do I do
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 9 years ago.


I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question. First, it would help me if you would answer these questions so that I can provide you with a better response.

What are your ages?

How long have you been dating your boyfriend?

Have either of you ever been married?

Are you satisfied with other aspects of your relationship?

Have you ever tried to share your feelings about this with him?

Please get back to me with this information and I will answer your question.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I am 8 years older than my boyfriend and we have been dating for 8 months now, although he and I also attended the same grammar school and HS. I have never been married; he was married for 27 years and female I speak about in my first question to you also caused disharmony in his marriage. As far as other aspects of our relationship, he is good to me; we go out to nice places a lot, he has introduced me to his parents and siblings, and he has told me he loves me, and wants us to enjoy what we have left of our lives together. I have told him that her name comes up so often in our conversations that it makes me feel very uncomfortable; he says I am jealous and insecure and once or twice our discussion about her escalated to the degree that I asked him to bring me home and think about how he would feel if shoe was on the other foot. These are two people who have double masters degrees in various subjects!!! As recently as Friday 7/25 her name came up while we were on dinner date. He wants me to be friends with her; and I just can't see that being a possibility. Why do I feel this way?
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 9 years ago.


It sounds like your reaction is perfectly natural given what you have told me. I imagine that it makes you feel very insecure and unloved at times. Regardless of what he says to you, his actions leave a lasting impact on your personal sense of worth. Women have a natural desire to be loved and esteemed by their men. When your boyfriend discusses this other woman, it leaves you feeling "less than" her. It sounds like he has more feelings for this woman than he is willing to share with you. If this relationship has caused problems in his past marriage, I would suggest that you seriously consider the impact this will have on you. When you confront him he seems to become very defensive and accusatory. Moreover, this other woman's statements about her relationship with your boyfriend seem very inappropriate. I would not take this situation lightly but I would also not become paranoid. You need to ask yourself a question.....AM I WILLING TO HEAR ABOUT THIS WOMAN AND BE FRIENDS WITH THIS WOMAN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? I personally get the feeling that you are not ok with this situation. Don't let your infatuation with this man cloud your good judgment. As you probably know, it can be difficult to confront reality when you really enjoy spending time with this man. You might want to sit down and bring up this subject with your boyfriend to see what he says. Tell him that you cannot handle hearing so much about this woman and tell him how this makes you feel. He needs to understand the impact this is having on you. If you allow this to continue, he will be confused if you bring it up in the future. You must address his behavior soon. He is allowed to have friends, but his behavior is making you uncomfortable and for good reason.

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